Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is it fairly common for a dh/dp not to see his children all day because of work?

68 replies

cheesesarnie · 28/03/2008 11:51

dh leaves for work just as children are waking and doesnt sometimes get back till well after bedtime.lastnight was 10pm.so he misses breakfast,lunch,dinner,bathtime and bedtime with dc.does this happen in lots of familys?

OP posts:
moondog · 28/03/2008 15:16

Yes wine,it is always lovely to be reunited.
I'm used to being on my own now as well.I tiuhnk he finds it harder (emotionally) than I do.I find it physically and logisdtically harder thoguh (house,kids,job, MSc)

jesuswhatnext · 28/03/2008 15:33

a differant slant! - i'm 45, my dad was/is a total workaholic, but in fairness very successful, he was away from sunday night till friday night on a normal week,from when i was a very young age(otherwise could be away weeks) mum was a sahm - i feel nothing but love, respect and fondness for my dad, he worked his arse off for us, when he was home, he was fun, loved taking us out/on holiday etc, but was also VERY supportive of my mum.

so, what i'm trying to say is that most kids will understand as they get older that the reason dad was away so much is because he HAD to be, he loved you and provided for everyone

jesuswhatnext · 28/03/2008 15:33

a differant slant! - i'm 45, my dad was/is a total workaholic, but in fairness very successful, he was away from sunday night till friday night on a normal week,from when i was a very young age(otherwise could be away weeks) mum was a sahm - i feel nothing but love, respect and fondness for my dad, he worked his arse off for us, when he was home, he was fun, loved taking us out/on holiday etc, but was also VERY supportive of my mum.

so, what i'm trying to say is that most kids will understand as they get older that the reason dad was away so much is because he HAD to be, he loved you and provided for everyone

Prufrock · 28/03/2008 15:39

I think I'm actually lucky in that whislt dh leaves at 6:30am, he does get back at 6:45pm 3 nights a week, so does bath and bed. Downside is that once kids are in bed and he's done an hour in the gym, he sits in his study and works away until 10 or 11, so teh kids get time with him, but I don't.

Pavlovthecat · 28/03/2008 15:39

think it is common, but in our house we have made it so that this does not happen.
DH works part time, so do I, although I work longer hours than he does at the moment. We are fortunate enough that I earn enough to afford this. We have sacrificed a more luxurious lifestyle, all our income is accounted for, it is tight, but it means both DH and I are actively involved in our 20 month old DDs life.

DH is retraining this year also, will be working self employed, able to pick hours around DD when she goes to school, alternate eves, the odd weekend, and will be able to work like a full solid 60 hour week for two weeks then take a week off. And earn more money than he is now.

I guess in many families it is not possible to cut down hours, or have different priorities about who spend time with the child(ren).

For us, I would prefer to live in a shoe box and have both of us be involved in DDs growing up, than a big house, and two weeks with DH a year.

pedilia · 28/03/2008 15:41

DH leaves very early inm the morning so doesn't see any of us then, he has the odd day where he gets in so late that he doesn't see DC's at all.
He does also work away sometimes so has short periods where he doesn't see them for a few days at at time.

Pavlovthecat · 28/03/2008 15:44

our hours are

one week DH works wed, thurs, friday, from 11am-7pm, has mon/tues/weekends off.
following week he works thurs/weekends 6.30am-3pm.
total 24 hours.
I work monday/tues/thurs 8am-6pm, wed 8am-12.30pm
total 30 hours.

DD goes into nursery just once a week, and every other week on another day for two hours.

I dont want my DD to understand why her DH worked long hours, when she is older. I want her to go to toddler music group with her DH now

winebeforepearls · 28/03/2008 15:44

JWN, that's good to know. DH is fantastic with the dcs on the weekends, so perhaps it won't matter so much for them. But I will miss him .

Prufrock, do you and your dh manage to go out without dcs at all?

ceebee74 · 28/03/2008 15:45

Yep - DH has a job which involves a lot of travelling/nights away. Occasionally he will be back one or 2 nights a week in time for bathtime but that is quite rare. He is either staying away or gets back after DS is bed.

But this is out of necessity, not because he particularly wants to do it - and he is a fantastic dad at the weekends and makes sure I get to do what I want (i.e go to the gym) or takes DS to see MIL so I get some time to myself.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 28/03/2008 15:48

When the DC were smaller I had no strict routine but they would have dinner and a bath after DH got home and then go to bed, this usually was about 10pm.
It meant a bonus lie in for me, and he got to spend time with them.
now they are older and need to start an earlier routine in preperation for school he barely sees them. At the moment he is away in Japan and the DC are missing him terribly (not so much me).

muppetgirl · 28/03/2008 15:49

Yep. Is like that here in muppetland. Dh goes to work 6.30-7am and gets home 7.30-8pm mon-fri. He can work from home on the odd day but apart from that my 2 ds's don't see him during the week. He pays the mortgage, just the way it has to be.

LoginFailed · 28/03/2008 15:52

Message withdrawn

Pavlovthecat · 28/03/2008 15:54

DWP - my brother and sister in law in USA, both work 8am-6pm five days a week, have a nanny for their 16 month old, their DD finishes school at 2:30pm, has a nap from 4-6pm and both children stay up until 10:30pm so they get to spend time with them. It means though, not a single moment to themselves (we just spent two weeks with them, it was insane!). it works for them.

CantSleepWontSleep · 28/03/2008 15:56

Happens to us. Dh leaves 4am Monday morning and returns 8pm Thursday night most weeks (others he doesn't return til Friday).

RosaIsRed · 28/03/2008 15:56

It used to be like this for us, but we took the fairly drastic step of DH going freelance and us moving to the West Country to change it. DH used to leave the house at 5.30am and often not get back till 8pm. DD1 would try to stay awake till he got back, fall asleep and then be hysterical in the morning when she realised she had missed him again. He often had to work Sundays too, which made it worse. Now he works upstairs and stops for tea at 6pm, going back to work after they are in bed if he had deadlines.
But we realise we are lucky to have been able to change our lives like that.

keevamum · 28/03/2008 15:59

My Dh is away all day every day except the weekends he misses out on so much IMO....It also makes him very sad but he loves his job...as time goes on I know we will see less and less of him as his work will soon eat into weekends too....
I have asked him to ask at work if maybe one day a week he could leave the office at 5 just so one day a week he could be home to see the kids before bed. What do you think? Has anyone's DH/DP managed this?

dandycandyjellybean · 28/03/2008 16:00

I am very lucky then really in lots of ways, as is my dh. He is disabled following a m/cycle accident long time ago, and is at home all the time. I am his carer so our ds 2.4 gets to see his dad all the time. Loves tinkering in the shed with him and building massive lego towers, etc. Obviously dh can't do loads to help with ds, but we both know that despite the circs, we are really lucky to get to spend so much time with him. Dh also comes to all the docs apps and stuff (when he's up to it) which is also nice. I really feel for you guys.

cory · 28/03/2008 16:03

We're among the lucky ones: dh doesn't have to leave until 8, so gets to say goodmorning, and is usually home around 6 o'clock, so we can all have our main meal together.

Meeely2 · 28/03/2008 16:15

DH and I work at same office, DH leaves before me, but we all get up together. I take kids to nursery. We leave work at same time, I fetch kids, he goes home so is there when I get in, and we always do bedtime together.

Sometimes I need to work away, other times he does, I think we see the boys an equal amount of time.

crace · 28/03/2008 16:24

keevamum - My dh couldn't do this, he says he tries every night to get home I believe him, but he works in a very intensive industry and is a senior director so needs must...

It works ok for our family, I do have my moments where I hate being the one "stuck" at home but it's that or I work and still have all the responsibility of home and hearth, and childcare runs and sick children etc etc. His job pays for the mortgage and our bills. I am a childminder so I work from home, and as my children are little (11, 2.5 and one on the way) I can't see this changing.

It's not always great, but it's working. I think to make it work, you both really do have to be ok with it. He's not very happy about working all hours known to man but it's his "role" in the family - and I have mine.. it doesn't always work out for either of us. He misses the children a lot, and I can get a bit fed up saying "tell daddy about it later, he's at work".

Ripeberry · 28/03/2008 16:37

My DH leaves the house at 8.30am just as i'm taking DDs to school. I'm usually up at 6.30am sorting things out and getting breakfast ready and he wakes up at 8am.
He gets home at 6.45 most nights and we have our evening meal together after the kids have had their meal.
Because he gets back late we do keep the girls up later than our friends and they usually go to bed at 9pm.
So at least he gets to see them for a couple of hours, but i do most of the putting to bed routine, he just likes to read a story to them.
AB

Prufrock · 28/03/2008 16:44

keeva I think it depends how senior your dh is. Mine is irreplaceable within his company, so has a good bargaining position - he asked for, and got a six week holiday this year and leaves at 5 (unless entertaining) because his boss is well aware that dh will put the hours in at home, and well aware that he could walk into another job elsewhere so it's in the companies interest to keep him happy.

TheBlonde · 28/03/2008 16:52

Mine sees the kids in the morning as he is always late for work
He is only home before bedtime if I am going out early

jesuswhatnext · 28/03/2008 17:42

wbp - i think alot of the 'battle' comes later as dcs get older, my mum never did the 'wait till your father gets home' bit but we always knew that he would support the decisions she made while he was away - it was no good wingeing that mum was 'not fair' as he always took her side (in front of us), i know that he would state our case in private if he thought she was being unfair though.

i know my mum would say it was bloody ahrd work when we were small fwiw

Wheelybug · 28/03/2008 17:47

It is the norm for DH not to see DD from sunday night to Saturday morning. Occasionally he'll see her in the morning but not that often unforetunately.