Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Goes out with another guy. Platonic

41 replies

Martin123456 · 27/03/2024 07:46

My gf regularly meets another guy in our local town. They go for coffee. Or sometimes to the pub.

Other guy is someone we both know. And they tell me, its just friendship and company. (I work long hours, and they both have a lot of time on their hands)

To me, it feels like a betrayal even if it is purely platonic.

Their meets are very regular. They spend a lot of time texting each other. I'm not the type to snoop on her phone. But did have a look one time, and she'd deleted all messages.

Should I be concerned. What would you do?

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 27/03/2024 07:51

Women are capable of having men as friends that they aren't attracted to. It's not a betrayal if they are just that, friends. However I'd be suspicious of deleted messages. What did she say when you asked her about them?

SamW98 · 27/03/2024 07:55

I must admit I wouldn’t be happy with a partner investing so much time and energy on another person.

Friends if the opposite sex is absolutely fine but this sounds like they’re quite emotionally invested tbh. The deleted messages are a red flag imo.

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 08:03

Women can be friends with straight men but straight men 99% of the time can't because they are hardwired to see sex everywhere and to be down to fuck pretty much anything.

So I wouldn't be happy with opposite sex friendships in general, as you would have to be so naive and delusional to think there is never any sexual tension or attraction.

In your particular story, her deleting the messages indicates she is hiding something. The way you are away so much and she is finding attention and emotional support from another man who has the space and time to meet her, undoubtedly when he is freshly washed and dressed, in a neutral or romantic place where she doesn't see the housework and diy waiting to be done, she sees him in the best conditions at the best times when he is in the mood to chat and listen meanwhile you come home drained and tired, have to do chores or zone out in front of tv..of course he will seem wonderful!

You need to speak to her because even if she stops her friendship with this guy, your wife is lonely and neglected and the set up makes it very easy to cheat. Even if she doesn't ever cheat your relationship will suffer from lack of intimacy and how much you work away. It's like you are carving 2 different life paths.

CryptoFascist · 27/03/2024 08:06

How long have you been together?
Do you live together?
How long has she known her friend?
Don't you have any opposite sex friends? If not, why not?

LoyalMember · 27/03/2024 08:21

I'd be unhappy with that setup. If I was the guy I'd have too much respect for the girl's husband and their marriage to meet her for these 'dates' because that's what they are. They're making a fool of you.

TheCadoganArms · 27/03/2024 08:29

Women can be friends with straight men but straight men 99% of the time can't because they are hardwired to see sex everywhere and to be down to fuck pretty much anything

🙄

Newbutoldfather · 27/03/2024 08:29

I think meeting a friend is absolutely fine, especially if he precedes you. I have loads of platonic female friends I have had for decades (I am male).

The deleted messages, OTOH, don’t look good, unless she deletes all her messages with everyone.

Ultimately, you don’t want to be controlling but you also don’t want to be a mug and let them have a ‘secret’ relationship in plain site.

Are you her partner or a relatively new bf? What is the dynamic like if you all go for a drink or meal together? If that isn’t happening, I would suggest it. Her reaction would be quite telling.

LeoTheLeopard · 27/03/2024 09:10

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 08:03

Women can be friends with straight men but straight men 99% of the time can't because they are hardwired to see sex everywhere and to be down to fuck pretty much anything.

So I wouldn't be happy with opposite sex friendships in general, as you would have to be so naive and delusional to think there is never any sexual tension or attraction.

In your particular story, her deleting the messages indicates she is hiding something. The way you are away so much and she is finding attention and emotional support from another man who has the space and time to meet her, undoubtedly when he is freshly washed and dressed, in a neutral or romantic place where she doesn't see the housework and diy waiting to be done, she sees him in the best conditions at the best times when he is in the mood to chat and listen meanwhile you come home drained and tired, have to do chores or zone out in front of tv..of course he will seem wonderful!

You need to speak to her because even if she stops her friendship with this guy, your wife is lonely and neglected and the set up makes it very easy to cheat. Even if she doesn't ever cheat your relationship will suffer from lack of intimacy and how much you work away. It's like you are carving 2 different life paths.

I think this reply is very interesting, and the OP should reflect on where his energies and best self are directed.

It seems that he has poured his energy into his work and given his partner whatever scraps are left over. His actions show that, for him, the relationship hasn’t been something worth tending to. It may be worse in that he provides zero emotional intimacy and takes emotionally from his partner.

I would also be interested to know whether the OP is capable of having emotionally intimate conversations or whether he actually is mostly quite superficial.
Has the partner had conversations brushed off?

“To me it feels like a betrayal even if it’s purely platonic”
Sure, but not enough of a betrayal for you to say this is unacceptable to me, so let’s call a halt? I think this is the difficulty for me. If you want to control her friends then say so, or walk away.

NotQuiteNorma · 27/03/2024 09:16

Women can be friends with straight men but straight men 99% of the time can't because they are hardwired to see sex everywhere and to be down to fuck pretty much anything

Tell me you're a misandrist without telling me you're a misandrist...

SayFuckTheLemonsAndBail · 27/03/2024 09:18

If I was her, I'd dump you.

CryptoFascist · 27/03/2024 10:22

why are posters so quick to assume they are married? The OP states "gf".
I wonder whether the OP will return with additional information or is just looking for a load of answers to confirm his thoughts that it's naughty to have opposite sex friends.

GreyCarpet · 27/03/2024 10:56

Women can be friends with straight men but straight men 99% of the time can't because they are hardwired to see sex everywhere and to be down to fuck pretty much anything

Sadly, this has been my experience.

I have had a few close male friends over the years. I saw the friendships as purely platonic. However, there was not one of those friendships where the man didn't see it as something more or wasn't hoping for something more eventually.

Even when I had absolutely no reason to suspect it and in one case, it took him over 10 years to say anything. I had no idea.

The fact she is deleting messages would ring alarm bells for me because I can't see the point in doing so unless there is something to hide.

People do cross lines and people do have affairs.

Original poster
Martin123456 · 27/03/2024 11:03

CryptoFascist · 27/03/2024 08:06

How long have you been together?
Do you live together?
How long has she known her friend?
Don't you have any opposite sex friends? If not, why not?

Been together about 18 months. Living together for about 4 months. We both know the other guy. I known him a couple of years. She got to know him through me, (which makes it hurt a bit more)

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/03/2024 11:17

I became quite friendly with an ex's best mate. They'd been friends since primary school.and were both in their 50s.

I didn't see a problem with becoming friendly with this man. I liked him and could see why my then boyfriend and he were friends. He felt safe. I trusted him and evidently my boyfriend did too. It was actually really nice as far as I was concerned that we got on so well.

Eventually, I discovered that my boyfriend had spoken to him and warned him that he thought I had a crush on him. I didn't but it turned out he had a crush on me 🙄

It happens and people don't always have the loyalty you expect them to.

samestyle · 27/03/2024 11:22

It seems off, not just friendly but very close, and best buddy type friendship with the regular meet ups and deleted messages which makes it more dodgy. I'd be tempted to drop in and surprise them, if you know where they are.
Any other weird behaviour, showering soon as she's comes home from meeting him, smell of aftershave on her?
Otherwise at least I think think this is the beginning of a affair if it isn't already.

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 11:24

NotQuiteNorma · 27/03/2024 09:16

Women can be friends with straight men but straight men 99% of the time can't because they are hardwired to see sex everywhere and to be down to fuck pretty much anything

Tell me you're a misandrist without telling me you're a misandrist...

Acknowledging biological differences isn't misandry. It's delusional and unscientific to think men think and behave just like women, they never will by virtue of biology and society. I am so sick and tired of people assuming that equality means identical.

Junothatsagoodidea · 27/03/2024 11:40

Why did she delete the messages? That's really not normal.

Original poster
Martin123456 · 27/03/2024 11:54

CryptoFascist · 27/03/2024 10:22

why are posters so quick to assume they are married? The OP states "gf".
I wonder whether the OP will return with additional information or is just looking for a load of answers to confirm his thoughts that it's naughty to have opposite sex friends.

Still here. Reading replies. A few seem to blame me, for directing too much of my attention to my job. But its my job that keeps a very comfortable roof over our heads. Maybe we should downsize. Concentrate less on work. Who knows? If there is anything going on behind my back. What would be the point in downsizing if the inevitable is around the corner?

OP posts:
TheCadoganArms · 27/03/2024 12:17

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 11:24

Acknowledging biological differences isn't misandry. It's delusional and unscientific to think men think and behave just like women, they never will by virtue of biology and society. I am so sick and tired of people assuming that equality means identical.

Show quote history

Nobody has said that men and women 'think' the same. It is your somewhat idiotic assertion that men have zero self control so are incapable of having female friends without trying to fuck them.

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 12:28

@TheCadoganArms The only ones with your opinion are defensive men exposed or delusional women using men 'friends' as ego boost mascarading as equality between the sexes.

Surfapparel · 27/03/2024 12:32

WildFlowerBees · 27/03/2024 07:51

Women are capable of having men as friends that they aren't attracted to. It's not a betrayal if they are just that, friends. However I'd be suspicious of deleted messages. What did she say when you asked her about them?

I agree with this. Friendship is fine and not a betrayal but I'd wonder why messages were deleted. You shouldn't be snooping though.

SayFuckTheLemonsAndBail · 27/03/2024 12:32

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 12:28

@TheCadoganArms The only ones with your opinion are defensive men exposed or delusional women using men 'friends' as ego boost mascarading as equality between the sexes.

No, I actually have male friends. I'm sorry all the men you know are pervs, but I know really decent ones.

I've known many of them since I was a teenager and a lot of them are married or in long term relationships. If they are hiding feelings, they're doing a bloody good job of it.

SamW98 · 27/03/2024 12:35

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 12:28

@TheCadoganArms The only ones with your opinion are defensive men exposed or delusional women using men 'friends' as ego boost mascarading as equality between the sexes.

Whet a lot of nonsense. I’m far from a ‘delusional woman using men friends as an ego boost’ but I’m an older woman who has socialised in mixed sex groups my entire adult life without my male friends trying it on with me.

It says a lot about the company people keep if they really have male friends who seem then as nothing more than objects to fuck

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 12:46

This opposite sex friendship topic has been done to death on MN and after several back and forth with those in favor it always transpires that oh well 10 years ago we slept together once or 5 years ago we got drunk and kissed but friendship continued. I just dont believe it's ever purely platonic and anonymous online comments would never trump my and others lived experience. Even if a comment is genuine it often lacks self awareness and conveniently forgets certain events. Amazing what the human mind chooses to remember.

Surfapparel · 27/03/2024 12:52

TealHelper · 27/03/2024 12:46

This opposite sex friendship topic has been done to death on MN and after several back and forth with those in favor it always transpires that oh well 10 years ago we slept together once or 5 years ago we got drunk and kissed but friendship continued. I just dont believe it's ever purely platonic and anonymous online comments would never trump my and others lived experience. Even if a comment is genuine it often lacks self awareness and conveniently forgets certain events. Amazing what the human mind chooses to remember.

So your lived experience trumps our anonymous online comments but our lived experience can't trump your anonymous online comments?

OK. Sounds like an agree to disagree situation.