Shared custody after split, is it bearable?

[LifeInTheOldDog]

Considering splitting with partner of 12 years. He's a great guy and great dad to DS (3) but we haven't been close in a long time and we are just housemates who co-parent at this point. I can't see this changing. We don't really argue but equally there's no affection and I don't want DS growing up thinking that this is what a relationship should be.
If we split, I'm sure we would share custody (both work full time, mostly from home), but the thought of being away from DS for 50% of the time is pretty awful. For anyone in the same situation how did you make it work and how much impact did it have on your DC? DS is a sensitive child and I worry about the effect on him and how it'll affect his relationship with us. Any advice welcome, thanks.

Oh bless you, it is tough. At the time of spilting I had a 2 and 4 year old. Tbf the 2 year old didn't really understand (or 4 year old for that matter!!) the significance of what was happening... I see it as a blessing! Because we share 50/50, and I always worked full time the kids just adapted really well,with thankfully no issues whatsoever. We made sure their bedrooms were homely and decorated before they stayed over, moved half of the toys to make sure they understood both were their homes now. Personally I find it still a little strange when they aren't here with me, very sad looking in their rooms wanting to tuck them into bed etc. However, I keep busy and work the days they aren't with me, so it keeps my mind occupied. Plus they have a great bond and time with their dad so that always makes it easier... They love coming home and telling me what they have done etc. I think it's worked well because the kids are still young and we put the kids best interests above anything else...you've got this!

God I would give anything for my ex to have the children 50% of the time. Would you be happy only seeing your child every other weekend?

Id habe struggled with the idea back then but I'd love it now the kids are older. I left it too late and there's been lots of damage to the children. They'd have adapted so much easier then, I wish I put my feelings aside and split WAAAAY sooner. If you know it's right just do it. You could maybe negotiate a slightly bigger share while he's so young. Allows you to rebuild your own life which is important too

I wouldn't give up on a good man and dad without doing everything you can to rekindle your relationship. There really aren't that many great guys out there I wouldn't toss this relationship aside so quickly. How has your relationship become like roommates?

Thanks all for responding. I don't know how we got here honestly, but it's been this way for a long time. I think we're both non-confrontational and so haven't talked about things that matter to such an extent that it's hard to see a way back now. I just don't feel that way for him any more, I wish I did. I'm not sure that dragging it out will benefit anyone, but I know I need to be 100% sure that there's no salvaging this.
I couldn't ask DP for more time with DS. We've shared parenting pretty much 50/50 since DS was born and he's equally bonded to both of us. I know DP will feel exactly the same about this situation as I do and I'd never want to take away from his time with DS.
@jlr1986 it's really great that it's worked out so well for you and your DC and it gives me hope, thank you. I think we'd be the same in that we'd always put DS's interests above anything else and I can't see why we wouldn't maintain a good relationship.
@CatCatCatCatCatCat i completely agree. The flip side of this would be to have DS for 100% of the time and I would struggle with that too. I read a lot of posts on here about rubbish dads and I know I'm fortunate that my DP is a good person and will always be there for DS.

I did this when Dd was 6. It was initially bloody awful. The weeks she was with her DF I basically went to work, came home, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. This was pre mobile phones and internet too! That didn’t last long though. I pretty soon got into a routine so that when she wasn’t with me I caught up on all my home stuff - plus started a college course and did all my studying on my child free weeks. I pretty soon realised that DD was having a whale of a time with her DF, and even now she says she loved it, as she had 2 bedrooms, 2 sets of toys and as a teen was able to escape from one parent at a time. One big benefit is that I was able to start dating without having to find babysitters or tell her, and therefore her DF, about it. So I was kind of single and child free whilst also still being a mum.
If I had to make the decision again, I’d make the same one.

At 3 they should adjust pretty easily and won't be able to remember how it was. I share custody of DD 50% of the time - she's now 8 and was 7 when we started doing 50/50. She missed me a bit at first but as long as she still sees me 5 days week even when it's her weekend with her dad so she easily adjusted after a few months. Ex DP is a brilliant hands on dad so it was right she spends half her time with him. Now a year down the line and she's very happy. Ex DP and I are very flexible with each other and help each other out if needed/aren't precious if something for each other's family etc falls on the other's weekend.

Have a think a really really good think about splitting, your situation sounds like many peoples with kids actually, not saying its right, or the relationship you'd dream of, just common.

I think it affects the kids, mine would love us back together, absolutely love it.

Lots of threads on here about it this one had fair amount if both sides opinions

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4823169-does-separation-always-fuck-up-the-kids

Thanks, that's really helpful!

He's equally a parent to your kid and has as much right to him as you do. If both of you love your child as much as you say you do then you can make it work in the best interests of your DS - who's the main person here right?