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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband not upset that friend touched me

43 replies

Femqueen · 26/03/2024 18:37

Hi all
I need some advice. Background I’m married two years but have been dating for 12. Husband has been friends with this couple for much longer.
we were out last weekend and everyone was pretty drunk. My husband couldn’t stand let’s call him Jim. His best friend was very messy let’s call him Simon.
the second his best friends wife left the pub Simon turned to me and said Jesus have you been squatting your ass looks huge. I said I have told him what kg I was lifting and hoped the conversation would stop there. Then he kept repeating it over and over. Jim overheard and said stop Simon but then in his drunken state walked off and Simon said I’m the only man who can do this and proceeded to slap my ass.
he talked about it and slapped it so many times I had to start running away from him, I rang for a lift home and myself a Jim got out of there.
I told my husband the next day and he didn’t seem as upset as I was, and just asked if i told his wife. I said no (a little insulted that that was his only concern) and I wouldn’t either they just had a baby and I don’t want to upset her for no reason.
simon then rang him and said he blacked out and can’t remember a thing Jim just said I heard you were messy.
the following day Jim asked if I wanted to call over to see them. I said absolutely not, I feel I was violated and don’t want to speak to him again, my husband said I guess I will have to talk to him, I just stared blankly at him.
is this normal? Would your husbands have your backs more? Should I be concerned it doesn’t seem like im as important as this disgusting friend of his.

OP posts:
lotsofpeoplenametheirswords · 26/03/2024 18:58

Are you all old enough to be drinking? None of it makes sense. If someone touched my arse without my consent repeatedly I would headbutt them.

Original poster
Femqueen · 26/03/2024 19:00

I was in shock and did not know what to do. In the past I would have blown up but am working on anger issues so decided to turn the other cheek (pardon the pun) in the moment.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 26/03/2024 19:14

He sexually assaulted you and I would have called the police.

Original poster
Femqueen · 26/03/2024 19:28

That’s very true I feel so violated thanks for validating that feeling

OP posts:
TM1979 · 26/03/2024 19:35

My Dh would have laid him out.

jeaux90 · 26/03/2024 19:49

I would have slapped him round the face hard and my partner would have let rip.

ladygindiva · 26/03/2024 19:52

jeaux90 · 26/03/2024 19:49

I would have slapped him round the face hard and my partner would have let rip.

Same

Queenmaker · 26/03/2024 19:57

The first time he touched me I would have belted him if DH didn't get there first.
This is the only times I lay a hand on others.
Alternatively I would have shouted "what the fuck do you think you are doing? Don't touch me you creep!".
DH is very easygoing but would have most likely manhandled him out of the pub immediately.
And God help him if he touched one of our daughters.

MerryHedgehog · 26/03/2024 21:23

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Original poster
Femqueen · 26/03/2024 22:19

Bit of victim blaming going on but I get your overall point

OP posts:
Autienotnaughtie · 26/03/2024 22:39

lotsofpeoplenametheirswords · 26/03/2024 18:58

Are you all old enough to be drinking? None of it makes sense. If someone touched my arse without my consent repeatedly I would headbutt them.

Op should not be judged for her reaction she is not in the wrong

Autienotnaughtie · 26/03/2024 22:42

He sexually assaulted you. And if your dh doesn't understand you definitely have a dh problem.

With regards to 'friend' you could stop contact with him. Or Threaten him with police if he ever touches you again . Or let it go.

There's no right or wrong but I would expect yr dh to back you

SleepPrettyDarling · 26/03/2024 22:45

It’s bad that your husband doesn’t have your back. It happened me where once someone grabbed me and perched me on his lap leering, and another time when someone was speaking really inappropriately to me, quietly to avoid being overheard. I removed myself from both situations, upset, and was really hurt that my then DH played it down.

upintheloft · 26/03/2024 22:49

I don't think it's easy to just slap a drunk man who is assaulting you around the face and that certainly wasn't my first instinct when in a similar situation. You did nothing wrong OP and your husband's response is bizarre he should be fuming and calling him out if not reporting him himself. Hope you're ok

ButItHasCheese · 26/03/2024 22:56

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Huh?
This is in no way her fault. There's no excuse for assault - and if this guy can't help himself assaulting people when drunk, the solution is he shouldn't drink (not that OP should police who she spends time with)

pikkumyy77 · 26/03/2024 22:59

I think you and your dh are drinking too much since you both seem to be incapacitated and are unable to recognize boundaries or protect them.

Elephantsareace · 26/03/2024 23:46

Lots of victim blaming here. You should be safe with friends regardless of how drunk anyone gets.

Simon remembers exactly what he did, hence the damage limitation call the next day to claim a blackout.

Don't be around Simon again.

Your husband is being a dick. What are you going to do about that?

Lookingoutside · 27/03/2024 00:23

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Idiot.

Lookingoutside · 27/03/2024 00:27

OP he assaulted you. Your husband doesn’t understand that but you appear to. Is that right?

Consider reporting the assault to the police and getting rid of the husband. Those types always side with their brainless “mates”.

Do you have any support?

iwafs · 27/03/2024 00:31

My dh would have threatened to knock the guy down, but wouldn’t have gone through with it because he wouldn’t want a lost job/criminal record.

your dh seems very unbothered. Strange.

caringcarer · 27/03/2024 00:57

jeaux90 · 26/03/2024 19:49

I would have slapped him round the face hard and my partner would have let rip.

Me too. My DH would have knocked him out. He's very easy going but that would make him see red.

Sashya · 27/03/2024 01:24

I think calling this a sexual assault and about being violated is a little OTT.
It is not victim blaming to say that you had a strange reaction to a guy slapping you on your bum. There is a range of verbal reactions possible instead of blowing up. Simple - STOP would have probably worked - rather than letting him do it again and again; and then blaming your husband for not being there .to save you.
It somehow also sounds like you don't like the couple (or at least the guy) - and would prefer your H weren't friends with them.

I presume you have spent a lot of time with them over the 12 years you have known them. As they are close friends of your H - there must be a certain degree of familiarity between all of you. And - in addition - you know what they are like when drunk. So - if discussing the size of your bum is a normal conversation for you with him/them - and he as was as drunk as you describe - it is completely possible he was being over-familiar with you - rather than trying to assault you.
People of course should not drink so much that they become a-holes. But they do - men especially. We can all blame them. But, at the same time - I do think we also need to be responsible for ourselves and say STOP and remove ourselves from situations that we know can turn weird.

Ladyj84 · 27/03/2024 01:35

I mean first I wouldn't go out on the drink without my hubby, 2nd I never get pissed so it becomes a mess and 3rd your post is all over the place so have you been drinking tonight 🤔

Maddy70 · 27/03/2024 01:45

I think that's mates banter ... he knows you work our. He overstepped but he obviously thought it was acceptable with your friendship group. He was drunk and misjudged..you should have called him out rather than engaged in the conversation about what weight you lift... I would probably have kicked him in the buts if he had done that to me in "friendly banter"

I wouldn't need a knight in shining armour to go after him on my behalf

kkloo · 27/03/2024 01:47

Sashya · 27/03/2024 01:24

I think calling this a sexual assault and about being violated is a little OTT.
It is not victim blaming to say that you had a strange reaction to a guy slapping you on your bum. There is a range of verbal reactions possible instead of blowing up. Simple - STOP would have probably worked - rather than letting him do it again and again; and then blaming your husband for not being there .to save you.
It somehow also sounds like you don't like the couple (or at least the guy) - and would prefer your H weren't friends with them.

I presume you have spent a lot of time with them over the 12 years you have known them. As they are close friends of your H - there must be a certain degree of familiarity between all of you. And - in addition - you know what they are like when drunk. So - if discussing the size of your bum is a normal conversation for you with him/them - and he as was as drunk as you describe - it is completely possible he was being over-familiar with you - rather than trying to assault you.
People of course should not drink so much that they become a-holes. But they do - men especially. We can all blame them. But, at the same time - I do think we also need to be responsible for ourselves and say STOP and remove ourselves from situations that we know can turn weird.

It's not really a strange reaction though. It's quite a common one. Many people in uncomfortable situations like that feel like they'll be the bad guy if they say something and upset the group. There's a running thread at the moment where another woman is dealing with this and the attitude among the group seems to be "that's just John (or whatever his name is). I've had to deal with this myself when I called out sleazeballs, and people make out that he's being 'harmless'.

I've been in situations I've removed myself from and other times I've froze. I will always call it out when I feel able to.

it is completely possible he was being over-familiar with you - rather than trying to assault you.

What he was trying to do doesn't matter. He could have thought he was being funny or flirty, that doesn't mean that he didn't assault her.

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