Husband not upset that friend touched me

[Femqueen]

Hi all
I need some advice. Background I’m married two years but have been dating for 12. Husband has been friends with this couple for much longer.
we were out last weekend and everyone was pretty drunk. My husband couldn’t stand let’s call him Jim. His best friend was very messy let’s call him Simon.
the second his best friends wife left the pub Simon turned to me and said Jesus have you been squatting your ass looks huge. I said I have told him what kg I was lifting and hoped the conversation would stop there. Then he kept repeating it over and over. Jim overheard and said stop Simon but then in his drunken state walked off and Simon said I’m the only man who can do this and proceeded to slap my ass.
he talked about it and slapped it so many times I had to start running away from him, I rang for a lift home and myself a Jim got out of there.
I told my husband the next day and he didn’t seem as upset as I was, and just asked if i told his wife. I said no (a little insulted that that was his only concern) and I wouldn’t either they just had a baby and I don’t want to upset her for no reason.
simon then rang him and said he blacked out and can’t remember a thing Jim just said I heard you were messy.
the following day Jim asked if I wanted to call over to see them. I said absolutely not, I feel I was violated and don’t want to speak to him again, my husband said I guess I will have to talk to him, I just stared blankly at him.
is this normal? Would your husbands have your backs more? Should I be concerned it doesn’t seem like im as important as this disgusting friend of his.

🤣 👏 🤣 👏

My partners friends wouldn’t act like this, but if they did, he would no longer be friends with them. He doesn’t like men who act anything like this.

I can't believe how many people are saying. What they would have done. Trust me you can frezze up at any type of assault. Sober or not! Stop victim bashing! OP stick to your guns and sadly men don't realise what's wrong and right. Hopefully this can educate your husband in some way. This is not ok! I've been there, I've frozen. Even tho I have reacted before. It's harder when it's someone you know. The shock gets you. And the fear.

So much victims blaming here. Stop telling OP how she should have reacted. In the moment. Many people will freeze.

Your DHs behaviour is odd. I wouldn't expect or want physical violence but I think you deserve more from him to support you, stick up for you and tell his friend never to do that again.

Same

I am not at all victim shaming just saying I would have socked him. I actually did once in my bar days of youth. I think it's deplorable dh is not supporting op and keeping the friendship.

Slapping someone is assault. Slapping their backside makes it sexual. What's difficult to understand?

Absolutely. Am wondering I'd her DH has done similar to this guys wife elhence the question: have you told his wife (afraid op would find out about his behaviour) and perhaps explains the assaulter's comment (am the only man who can do this. He knows op's DH will tolerate it because he's done similar to his wide). ALT they want to recruit op in a threesome and discussed it beforehand. Whatever the case @Femqueen You did not invite or deserve this. Sorry that you dh let you down

A friend of my now DH (then boyfriend) grabbed my bum the first time I met him. I was upset and DH made him apologise - but they are still friends which I really don’t like. I would not still be friends with someone who had done similar to him.

I really don’t know what I will do about my husband I had a frank conversation with him about it lastnight and aired how upset I am that he gets more upset about a random guy on a night out chatting me up than his best friend assaulting me.
He responded by saying it’s too late now I should have aired this the day after and it’s too awkward to bring it up now. Not filling me with hope for the future also not very attractive!

I'm appalled by all the posters telling the op they'd have hit him or head butted him...wtf. Thats quite easy to say but in the moment, probably not as simple as you think. The op was blindsided. She was in a normal social situation and probably was completely shocked by this behaviour.

I wouldn’t absolutely not expect my DH to do anything about this, I’m an adult and as capable of dealing with it as he is. I don’t need rescuing and I don’t understand the mentality of expecting someone else to deal with it.

At the time I’d have said ‘get your fucking hands away from me now’, and if I hadn’t said that at the time for whatever reason I’d visit with DH and say in front of everyone ‘you may have been pissed but next time you touch my arse I will break your fingers or call the police, I don’t care how pissed you are’. Out of courtesy for DHs friendship I’d probably warn him that I was going to raise the issue.

A woman can get as drunk as she wants. Age can have the biggest, fittest arse in history. None of this means she should expect to be assaulted. Idiot.

I’m more appalled by the ones blaming her for ‘her choice of company’.

Totally fucking unacceptable. Internalised misogyny is depressingly rife on here.

There is no point being appalled at the other posters. The OP has wuite a different problem now. She has found out her DH is not interested in standing up for her because (random reasons ). This means she has learned something unpleasant about him: that he prizes his male friend, drinking, and going out with the boys over her safety and security. That she is literally and figuratively on her own in unpleasant or dangerous social settings.

He has made his position clear. Now OP has a choice. Its not an easy one.

So easy to write this but often our reactions when being assaulted are not what we would expect or hope.

If anyone had asked me what I would do if a man punched me in the face I, being generally pretty tough and feisty, would have said I would punch him back instinctively without thinking. The reality was that I froze until he had gone, and I feel ashamed of that.

Telling people 'what you would have done' is not only perhaps untrue but almost certainly unhelpful.

OP, you were right not to hit back. Very sensible. Drunken men can get violent very suddenly, and he was already slapping your bum so he had no inhibition. I would have been furious, as you were, and just walked away from him at once. Maybe said loudly “stop that”. But the main thing is to get away from him fast.

But I know from experience that your first reaction to something like this is often shock, and you freeze.

You did the safest thing, but I’m sorry your husband is being very weak and unsupportive.

Absolutely this