To feel no one likes me

[Xenia13]

My mind is a hell. I feel like no one likes me at all. Apart from family/husband I feel like everyone that has ever been important to me has deserted me.
I have had really close friends over the years that I would’ve done anything for. But as soon as I needed them (family cancer diagnosis),they were not around. I fell out with my best friend over this and all our mutual friends obviously went with her as I hear nothing from anyone.
Also my sister in laws constantly exclude me, nights out, meals etc and I am in the family over 20 years. I made peace with that until I heard my husbands brothers wife has been included. I have always tried my best with all of them so not sure of the issue.
I am constantly beating myself up, telling myself I must be a horrible person as I have absolutely no one outside family except my husband. He thinks I need to get to the point where I don’t care but the issue is I care too much.
What is wrong with me? Am I just not likable? Have I got something wrong with my personality? Why has no one stood by me?

AIBU to be taking this personally.

I think one of the issues with friendship is that it is often possible to go for years without actually testing the strength of a particular relationship through adversity.

During that time there is opportunity to build up a lot of "relationship asymmetry" for example you would have their back and do almost anything for them, but they do not feel the same way. The asymmetry is often only revealed when adversity is encountered and that can be many many years into the relationship when significant beliefs and expectations have been built up on both sides.

It may sound a bit heavy, but the only way IMO to deal with this is to get expectations out in the open, like in any relationship. If you are the kind of person who gives loyalty and expects it in return then you need to let the other person know what is important to you in a friendship rather than just hanging around for decades waiting to be disappointed when you finally need them to live up to your expectations. Once you have had that discussion you are then at least prepared what to expect from them when and if they are needed and them from you - and you can choose whether to continue or not continue a friendship on that basis.

I think it is important to remember that when people tell you they have your back that statement doesn't come without limits, and those limits vary for different people.

Hi, OP. We've moved your thread to Relationships as we thought you might get a few more responses here than in Chat.

Without wanting to minimise this, you've had one friendship group let you down and your SiL are not welcoming. In the context of a lifetime, while very upsetting, isn't grounds to conclude you're unlikeable or there's anything wrong with you. You could just have been unlucky in these people. How have you got on with work mates and other people you've met? Clearly you're likable enough that your DH wanted to spend his life with you for starters. The only thing I would have a think about is whether you may be a bit sensitive and easily hurt by people? Sometimes this can seem like hard work and put people off.

AHH op I feel you on this one. I've also had a bit of a bad run in terms of being excluded from friends groups and feeling that people just aren't that into me and it can be really hurtful and hard sometimes.

I've started to reframe things a bit recently. I can't control how people decide to be social, that's up to them, I'm learning to let it go and enjoy my own life without relying on people so much.

Have you thought about maybe initiating a meet up? Perhaps, you're like me and you tend to rely on other people sorting that out. Maybe organise something fun with a few people. They might cancel or ignore you, or be dicks, and if they do, sod them, go anyway and have a nice time.

In fact I had something happen a few weeks ago where all my mates were invited to a bday party apart from me and I only found out from some photos shared on our group chat from the night. Just made me decide to make less of an effort with that person in the future and not to expect too much. I was hurt at first and now I'm not really that bothered. I just think we are different people and that's ok. X

@Xenia13 I’m 65 now and what I realised about 20 years ago is some people are always popular and some are like you and me. We are not at the forefront of people’s minds when arrangements are being made. They neither like or dislike us and that’s often harder because indifference means there is no emotion.
I once suggested a day out with 2 work colleagues and it was greeted enthusiastically. Imagine my surprise when I turned up to work one day and another colleague asked why I wasn’t on the trip out with my two friends?
They’d also asked a third person! Everything arranged and a date set without me knowing a thing about it.

You have to live your life how you want. If a friend meets up with you and you have a nice time - great.
If you sit on your own in a café with a good book then so be it.