Partner wants more time alone

[Anxiousgirl93]

Been together 14+ yrs used to always be together basically 24/7, moved to a different area and then he stayed in most of the time and I went out and did things etc. Past 5 years we've both really struggled with anxiety his being bad he didn't leave the house just stayed in doors working from home and gaming. Recently his trying to get a hold on his anxiety, his eating healthy exercising and looking into religion and studying a new language but we are spending maybe 2 hours in the evening together before bed and that's it. He is now wanting we'll has booked to go abroad for 4 days alone and I'm really taking it personal. My anxiety is high I'm feeling sad every morning panicking how I will cope or if he still loves me. His assured me he still loves me his just changing as a person since his been stuck in a rut for so long he just says he needs more time alone than he used too. I don't know what to think 😭😭 I'm such a over thinker which doesn't help. Any advice

Sounds like you both enabled each others poor mental health for a long time. Being so reliant on one person like that is very unhealthy.

Now he is helping himself can you not follow his example?

2 hours together every evening sounds quite a lot though?

Personally I'm fine with DH going away for a long weekend without me. He did it last month in fact. I am quite independent though.

panicking how I will cope or if he still loves me

For 4 days away?

Yeah we got together in school and it all moved quickly from moving in together then stuff happening with our grandparents etc life was very much hectic then all of a sudden it wasn't that's when the anxiety kicked in. I agree we was definitely reliant on one another and now I feel it's just me reliant on him.

Misery loves company op, and he's no longer wanting to keep it company
You could unfortunately find yourself being left behind in your comfy bubble ,
Whilst he's striving to escape it and ultimately you

Yep 4 nights, we've never spent more than I'd say 3 nights away apart for the past 10 years.

I'm independent really to be honest. I don't like going out alone I don't have many friends either so it's hard. Maybe once his gone I will like it who knows just panicking lol yeah maybe 2 hours a day is alot I suppose where I'm used to being together most of the time and doing things together for so many years for that to of stopped just had my brain got 100 miles per hour

Him going away for four days should not be an issue. If your relationship isn't enough to withstand that then that's a concern.

I have to say, I quite like my husband going away for work because I get to do exactly what I want to do without having to consider anybody else. I really love him and we have a great relationship but it's nice to be just me for a few days.

I'd say we average two hours together each evening. Sometimes it's no hours.

I have been going on solo holidays for the past 25 years, for much longer than 4 days. So has my DH. I'd really feel suffocated in this kind of relationship. Anxiety or not.

I can understand how what seems like a sudden change in behaviour is scary.
because anxiety or not I think most people worry about being left behind or not growing with that person.

did he discuss his plans before booking the holiday or did he just go ahead and do it ?

i see this as an excellent opportunity for you if you wish to take it and that is to start your own growth curve - we all
change in Relationships and it's all about growing together - and that may mean having a more healthy relationship
with time for other friendships or yourselves .

do you have any friendships left from before you could pick up with for a cinema date ?
or take a book to your local pub have a pint whilst secretly people watching ) one of my favourite past times .

find who you are again so you can be confident in your worth in the relationship

Go to the cinema on your own. Travel on your own. Sit in a cafe on your own. Honestly the most important thing women need to do is learn to be alone and not be entirely reliant on anyone. Everything changes.

Maybe its something I just need to get used too. Suppose where I'm not used to our relationship being like that it's a little scary for me, I'm an overthinker so soon as he said his going away alone I instantly though I was an issue. Thanks for your reply

But what is it you won't be able to cope with? Specifically.

While your desire for a lot more time with your DP is completely bizarre to me - we are both very independent introverts who need time alone - I appreciate that the change is feeling tough for you. I think that you need to consider that it's normal to want and need different tings at different times in your relationship.

The things that would not be okay is if he was dismissive of your feelings, never wanted to spend time with you etc. That would definitely be a problem. But a trip away is not unusual.

I assume you don't have children?

Yeah that's how I didn't want to make him feel so I haven't said how I feel, I've put on a brave face and told him I'm happy for him. I can see how excited he is to go so I am happy for him but also just worrying

Hopefully not me but yes I get what you mean

Thanks for your reply. It's really scary I think because I'm used to him always being there. Then I question why does he want so much time alone but I get it he needs to get himself better in his own head. No he spoke to me about it at first I was obviously shocked but said I'm happy for him etc. He is going to the middle east and also visiting a religious place while he is there which he has really got into recently.

I have my best friend round the corner but she has kids so Try not to bother her too much. I have my mum not far also so I'm hoping they will keep me busy. I definitely think that's my issue I'm not confident

Really unhealthy to be this dependent on him, he needs his own space to grow as a person. So do you.

Can you not try and find some hobbies of your own? You need to try op, what if you're not together forever what will you do thenv

I 100% agree it isn't healthy and I know he needs his own space and stuff. I'm trying therapy Monday so hopefully that helps me on ways to work it out. I have started to exercise and do some walking to try and loose some weight and feel better in myself and my appearance

therapy is great well done for taking that step

half term is coming - if you don't mind why don't you do something fun with your friend and her kids - gives you time away from partner and take your mind off your worries and your friend would appreciate the back up.

is there a club you can join - reading club / dance class or exercise class - it's a great way to socialise with a barrier or safety net of a purpose - plus if you pick something you like you will meet like minded people - and you don't have to socialise more than your chosen class ? - that's something tk
consider when you are ready anyway x x x

That sounds suffocating to me op. H is going away for a week tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.

She has her partner so I feel like a 3rd wheel and don't want to be a burden but I will definitely mention it to her. I live in a little town so not to sure about clubs but this is something I'll definitely look into thank you appreciate the advice x

I definitely am going to try my best to do things alone and not rely on others. I think I'll start going on a walk alone and go from there thank you

I try my best to give him the time he needs. He stays in his 'man cave' and gets on his work and other things from when he wake up till around 10pm I do try to give him as much space as he needs I try and go out some evenings. We also have my grandmother who lives with us so that might be a factor as someone is always at home.

The other thing op is make sure the time you have together is quality time then - it's easy to slip into comfy habits but do you still when you are together have that same quality time when you was dating ?

maybe arrange to go out together or plan a date night once a month or fortnight to help you feel connected . ? As it sounds like he is distant when home . and that is again habit x