Partner wants more time alone

[Anxiousgirl93]

Been together 14+ yrs used to always be together basically 24/7, moved to a different area and then he stayed in most of the time and I went out and did things etc. Past 5 years we've both really struggled with anxiety his being bad he didn't leave the house just stayed in doors working from home and gaming. Recently his trying to get a hold on his anxiety, his eating healthy exercising and looking into religion and studying a new language but we are spending maybe 2 hours in the evening together before bed and that's it. He is now wanting we'll has booked to go abroad for 4 days alone and I'm really taking it personal. My anxiety is high I'm feeling sad every morning panicking how I will cope or if he still loves me. His assured me he still loves me his just changing as a person since his been stuck in a rut for so long he just says he needs more time alone than he used too. I don't know what to think 😭😭 I'm such a over thinker which doesn't help. Any advice

We don't do much together at all apart from cook eat dinner and watch TV. We did go on a walk together the other eveninf which i was surprised about. I mentioned about us going away maybe and he said yeah but his face told a different story but that could be me again overthinking. We definitely don't do stuff together like we used to think that's maybe what I find hard with him going away. I did say to him the other day maybe once his had his holiday maybe we could do a date night etc once a month even if it's staying indoors and doing something.

Anxiety comes when nobody has your back, and the one person who should always have your back is you. Anxiety comes when you don't trust yourself to look after you.

It's clear you don't, and so you're leaning on him. It's not his job to take care of you. He's busy taking care of himself; you do the same for you, and your relationship will improve, as will your mental health.

Would you prefer him to be staying in and anxious, again?

Thanks for you reply. No definitely not I'm glad he is bettering himself and learning to cope with his mental health I've seen how it's made him feel and it isn't nice. Yeah I do rely on him I also think his the only one whose always been there when things in life have happened. Stuff I don't think I'd of been able to cope with or get through without him and his help. I do genuinely want to be independent and not rely on him

It sounds like you are in a bit of a routine rut.

me and my husband hit this at the 10 year mark. - just because we were in such a routine.

my husband ( then boyfriend ) loved me but didn't know if he was in love with me and if it was the routine that he was comfy with that was why we were together .
i don't know if this is your partner , but it feels like this is where it may be heading .
I still had friends but what I did was jointed an gym and some classes and concentrated on my health - I didn't put him first anymore I put me first - I would go out with friends more ( re connected with some old school friends and used existing friendships and made new friends )
I still made time for him but instead of cancelling my plans to be available I would say no sorry I have plans etc but we can do that on this date if your free

it empowered me and then partner started booking me in on dates rather than taking my time for granted . and although my love for him was never in question. ( I cried and panicked for a few weeks first thinking he would split up with me and didn't sleep hardly ) but after that I felt empowered and remembered I mattered -if it hadn't worked out I wasn't as reliant and build a kid outside of him to but just so you own we are now married with a little boy and although I am now not doing as much for me it's because of my little boy but I haven't let my friendships drift and I go away with our little boy to good friends for the weekends or go out with work I just tend to drive so I am bright eyed for a stupid wake up time rather than hung over lol .

you can do this - write a to do list set a plan small steps - re gain your power x

Why would you have not got through those things without him?

Once you can fill those gaps in for yourself, of providing what you need, you'll be able to be independent.

You have to identify them first, though. What did he give you during those difficult times, that you couldn't give yourself?

I really appreciate your reply, this definitely sounds like it is just a routine rut. Maybe he knows if drop anything or anyone at a drop of a hat for him or because I do everything for him. He isn't the type to lie though and stay here because it's easy as I've bought it up to him before about are you staying because it's easy, his reply was well it isn't easy to stay and work through it is it, it would be easier to pack my bags and leave. Maybe in a way his reliant on me and doesn't realise im just confusedat the mo more so the past few days its got to me more I dont know why. I'm glad you both worked through it and came out the other end x

This is why my partner said how he felt - rather than waiting until he just left.
in his head in my head all sorts of wild theory's. We're thrown around but time did the talking and he was genuinely giving us a chance to grow together by being honest .
I think this is what is happening but it's either get out of the rut or possibly drift apart in a few years - the ball is in your court.

I definitely agree, I definitely need to get out of my own head and look after my own mental health while he is trying to better his. I think his obviously changed recently for the better for himself and hopefully for our relationship. I just need to get out of my own head and do the same and hopefully it makes us stronger. I do hope so

I know it is easier said than done , I am here for you if you feel the need to off load or even talk about up coming plans and your
worries - something I learned from my dad it's better to share the monkey ( which in my dads langue is the problem ) it helps vent it all

what date is your partner away?

It's great that he's doing positive things to improve his mental health 😊 you say you're independent but then say you don't like doing things on your own and that you are reliant on him? Maybe you can use the time that he's away to step outside your comfort zone and do something alone? Go to a museum or film, sit and have lunch in a café? You might find yourself enjoying that time alone ☺️

Really appreciate that thank you
2nd May to the 6th May x

I'm not independent lol I rely on him alot mainly for emotional things or when there is an issue x