Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband online sex affairs and addiction

63 replies

Ab85 · 26/03/2024 11:16

Hi, I’m 38 female and husband is 44. Over the past month I’ve discovered that for the past three years he has been secretly:

  • paying for cam girls online (hundreds of pounds)
  • sexting other women on hidden private messaging apps
  • engaging in sexual online activity and sending videos and pictures of himself in forums and apps
  • joining dozens of dating sites including one for married people looking to cheat and actively reaching out to women.
I’m devastated as in our relationship all of these things are considered cheating. We have a little one as well and I thought we were really happy. I know many have posted about this but one thing I can’t find is, if your husband agrees to have therapy and apologises, would you give a second chance? I know asking for opinions of others is perhaps not the correct thing to do, but really struggling and thought it might help to hear the experience of others. I do have counselling starting this week too. Thank you so much in advance.
OP posts:
Newlysinglemum1 · 10/01/2025 12:19

Ab85 · 26/03/2024 11:16

Hi, I’m 38 female and husband is 44. Over the past month I’ve discovered that for the past three years he has been secretly:

  • paying for cam girls online (hundreds of pounds)
  • sexting other women on hidden private messaging apps
  • engaging in sexual online activity and sending videos and pictures of himself in forums and apps
  • joining dozens of dating sites including one for married people looking to cheat and actively reaching out to women.
I’m devastated as in our relationship all of these things are considered cheating. We have a little one as well and I thought we were really happy. I know many have posted about this but one thing I can’t find is, if your husband agrees to have therapy and apologises, would you give a second chance? I know asking for opinions of others is perhaps not the correct thing to do, but really struggling and thought it might help to hear the experience of others. I do have counselling starting this week too. Thank you so much in advance.

I did this. Stbxh did counselling, I had my own counselling, we had joint counselling. And he bullshitted his way through all of it while I genuinely did the work. Then I found out later that things went even further than I thought and that he'd continued all the things I'd hoped he had been working on stopping and he had just used the counselling as a way to make me think he was doing better and committing. I wish I had just walked away immediately but we also had a small baby at the time and I wanted to know that I'd done all I could to try and keep my ds family together. It really only kicked things down the road. The key for me now looking back is that the character traits that enabled my stbxh to do this for 4 years were being supremely selfish, narcissistic and extremely manipulative and a great liar. I really believed he was a great guy and we were really happy because that's the version of him that I got to see. But actually in reality that makes it so much worse because that was all an act of manipulation.

Walk away op. It's not your job to fix an arsehole and he knew exactly what was at stake and he choose this. He was in control and he chose this as his priority over you and your kids. You deserve better.

Newlysinglemum1 · 10/01/2025 12:21

Ab85 · 26/03/2024 19:30

Hi everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it. It was actually me that suggested the therapy for him and helped him find someone. I don’t think he would have stopped doing this if I hadn’t found out to be honest. It’s broken my trust entirely. I trusted him more than anyone else in the world before finding this.

This is the key for me. He should have been coming TO YOU begging for another chance and suggesting counselling. He's made the mess why are you cleaning it up for him? My guess is that's because you're devastated and you're trying to cobble together some way to make this all ok to save yourself from the pain he's caused you. But that's his job. And you NEED to step back so you can see what he's actually thinking and offering here. You're making it far, far too easy for him.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2025 12:28

For me, councilling would be for if he cheated once. And was ashamed, admitted it and asked for your forgiveness and wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again.

Someone cheats on you for three years...is disgusting. He has no guilt or shame. No matter what he says. He only cares about himself. And I have no interest in councilling with a scummy narcissist.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2025 12:32

Ab85 · 10/01/2025 11:23

Hi again everyone. It’s been a while. I thought I’d update you. I am so appreciative of your comments. I did the trial separation and we started couples counselling, he also had individual therapy. Unfortunately this proved to not be enough and he fell back into doing it when things seemed to be getting back on track but just in more secretive ways. I’ve now decided to move on from the relationship. Thank you again for your guidance last year. It really did help me.

Good on you.
He never intended to change, only to learn to better hide it from you.

Don't ever let the jackass suck you back in.

Well done for not taking any shit.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 12:35

Elsewhere123 · 26/03/2024 13:22

To err is human, to forgive is divine. Give him one chance, but be very clear one chance only.

That's a huge amount of repeated "erring".

Oh and the op could forgive him for what he's done to her and their family, but not stay in a relationship with him.

Get it?

Forgiving doesn't have to mean staying.

bifurCAT · 10/01/2025 12:35

I think I'd ask why. Some people are pulled, some people are pushed. I mean, there's a big difference between a seduced man, a creep with a high sex drive, and a man depressed because of the lack of intimacy, love, affection, and general feeling of not being 'wanted' in the relationship. Even if the end result is the same.

It's also highly dependent on the timing of it. A desire can be stifled, but he sounds well into acting it out, if he hasn't already. For me, it sounds like he's already checked out. I honestly think he's just buying time with you at this stage...

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 12:38

Just seen the post update.

The right decision.

Someone like this will wreck your mental health.

And possibly affect your physical health if he meets others in person.

(Not that MH can't affect physical health on its own).

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 12:40

I mean, there's a big difference between a seduced man

Lol.

Are you joking?

Men and women can resist "seduction". In fact no-one gets to pull any seductive moves on you if your door is closed.

It is always a choice.

No-one "seduced" your man, ever.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 12:42

a man depressed because of the lack of intimacy, love, affection, and general feeling of not being 'wanted' in the relationship

How does virtual sex with cam sex "girls" get you intimacy, love, affection and feeling wanted in a relationship??

perfectcolourfound · 10/01/2025 12:47

Good for you. You've done all you can. I think that if someone needs therapy in order not to cheat on / lie to their partner, then it's a lost cause.

MightyGoldBear · 10/01/2025 13:15

Glad you're in a better space now op.

Just wanted to leave some resources for you or others if they resonate with your post.

Love after porn on reddit is a great space to get support.
Humans navigating betrayal on facebook.
Helping couples heal podcast and facebook.
Choose to be podcast

We recommend a csat therapist who understands betrayal trauma. There is danger a regular therapist can cause further trauma by labelling those with betrayal trauma co-dependent when this isn't the case.

Jake porter is great
Pam blizzard
Kendra last
Kaylee dunn
Chris jones - Uk would highly recommend for men seeking therapy.

Checking out omar minwhallas secret sexual basement can give great insight and understanding.

There absolutely are cases of people staying in relationships together and healing separately as well as together for relational healing. It does take time and both to be willing. They are unfortunately far outnumbered by men who didn't take the steps to change and heal. We always advise to do what keeps you safe and promote your healing.

Collette78 · 10/01/2025 13:23

Looks like you gave it a really good try and lots of opportunity to change, so you can walk away knowing you’ve done your best.

Sounds like he just lacks the capability of walking the line in terms of being respectful, committed and loyal… that wouldn’t have changed.

Irrelevant of whether it’s due to his own insecurities or issues, it’s not okay to behave in that manner or treat a partner the way he has.

Take care xx

Crikeyalmighty · 10/01/2025 16:08

@StrawberryDream24 indeed- if it was an affair then I can see that might be in the equation for some but pure sleazy sex stuff - nah!!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread