Husband online sex affairs and addiction

[Ab85]

Hi, I’m 38 female and husband is 44. Over the past month I’ve discovered that for the past three years he has been secretly:

• paying for cam girls online (hundreds of pounds)
• sexting other women on hidden private messaging apps
• engaging in sexual online activity and sending videos and pictures of himself in forums and apps
• joining dozens of dating sites including one for married people looking to cheat and actively reaching out to women.

I’m devastated as in our relationship all of these things are considered cheating. We have a little one as well and I thought we were really happy. I know many have posted about this but one thing I can’t find is, if your husband agrees to have therapy and apologises, would you give a second chance? I know asking for opinions of others is perhaps not the correct thing to do, but really struggling and thought it might help to hear the experience of others. I do have counselling starting this week too. Thank you so much in advance.

We're all making the assumption he's desperately sorry and willing to engage with therapy but the OP doesn't mention this at all.

So, you have a red line. he crossed it. and now you are wondering what to do?

No point in having the red line in the first place if you dont respond when something like this happens. He knew what you felt about this and he just went on and did it all anyway.

absolutely no forgiveness from me.

I’ve been in a similar situation myself. My ex partner cheated on his wife with me (I had no idea at the time) and then of course, the pattern repeated itself once we were an item. I never fully trusted him and I was right not to. I ended the relationship after the second chance that he’d blown and then he jumped straight into another relationship. Guess what? He tried to cheat on her with me!!!
IME men like this don’t change. They can’t. It’s part of their grain.

No I wouldn't give him a second chance.

He's had a whole other secret life, and most likely he has cheated physically too.

Even if I believed he had an addiction, men with this addiction really emasculate themselves in my eyes and I think it's pathetic and embarrassing and my attraction for him wouldn't come back.

And then there's the fact that there's always a risk of a 'relapse' and I just couldn't look at him the same thinking when he's struggling he has to fight the urge to stop seeking out other women.

Women in this position often seem to find themselves playing the role as the jailer, where they're putting parental controls on the internet or needs access to bank statements to check the transactions etc and all of that would just make me sick and think of him as pathetic tbh

You misunderstand the purpose of therapy or counselling @Ab85 .

Counsellors or therapists are not there to make their clients / patients do what their wife / whoever wants them to do. They are there to help their client work out what they what to do and support them in any changes they want to make/ work they want to do.

Your husband doesn’t WANT to stop what he’s doing . This is who he is , it’s his whole lifestyle. Id be amazed if he’s only been doing it for three years .

If he wanted to stop he would have done so before now, he’s had plenty money and time to spend on these activates which he could have spent working on himself IF HE WANTED TO.

You need to accept who he is and be happy to stay with him while he does all this. Or you need to get legal advice asap and leave him.

BTW you are allowed to ask anyone for their opinions, there’s no “ correct “ way to deal with this. You sound very calm in the face of this devastating news.

I'm so sorry that your partner turned out to be a lying cheating scumbag ☹️ my short answer would be no, I absolutely would not be giving him a second chance under any circumstances.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it. It was actually me that suggested the therapy for him and helped him find someone. I don’t think he would have stopped doing this if I hadn’t found out to be honest. It’s broken my trust entirely. I trusted him more than anyone else in the world before finding this.

@Ab85 I honestly wouldn't bother- the thing is they can get all the help in the world but I'm betting that you will never feel 100% the same again- not even 80% - you may still care, you don't have to hate, but you won't trust and it's exhausting to carry on long term like that.

Op it’s up to you what you do of course - but just bear in mind that men always agree to counselling or whatever else their wives insist upon to determine whether they can stay in the relationship or not.

They like to have their cake and eat it. There’s no way you can police this kind of thing and it’s highly unlikely he’ll just completely give it up - he’ll just do it when he away from the house/have tighter security in his devices.

You need to decide whether you can live with this level of stress for the rest of your life - constantly wondering what he’s up to when he’s not with you. That’s what happened to me and I pretty much had a nervous breakdown.

Men like this.. can't change. It's something in him, too much testosterone and sleazy lack of morality. It's not about you, you can't prevent him being like this. Don't stay with him, you will 100% feel more pain

He needs to go to SLAA - goggle will find it for you.

The first response really sums it up for me OP.
So sorry you're going through this x

You cant council an evil cunt into not being an evil cunt.

All of his actions have been ongoing. That means, premeditated. And not regretted.

Even if he agreed to therapy, it would only be to trick you into staying because he's obviously not actually sorry.

Also, therapy doesn't fix 'asshole'.
He's not mental, he's just a cunt.

His actions show nothing but contempt towards you. Run fast and run far amd never looks back.

So by all means give a second chance if they agree it's an issue but I'd be looking if they themselves are self motivated to sort this... Do they realise they have a problem ? Are they still defending it? Do they have empathy for you? Now my spouse been to therapy on NHS ..it solved nothing. And intrinsically he won't admit he's got an issue... I found out about similar things eighteen months ago.. two secret credit cards, thousands in debt, camgirl cybersex...he has blamed me for it, he denies it's addiction and sees it as harmless fun ... I've given chance after chance, but he's made my life hell with the denial and blaming. We are now separated informally over a year...personally I think addiction is a tough nut to crack...best to focus on your own healing... Betrayal trauma is awful and devastating.. I set some clear boundaries of no more porn in home .he didn't like it..he chose to stay living separate... But I'm recovering now...he's in depression but now blames .e for his depression.. it's a tough choice...stay with the it's hell..leave it's hell, but it gets better

It’s always an “addiction” hey? Never just his personality

• you suggested therapy and found him someone. If he genuinely wanted to change he would have done the leg work. Why are you the one putting the effort in
• this isn’t one “mistake” it’s a long term deception and a choice each time

Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t make it better and in a relationship where you will always be policing and second guessing

You suggested therapy; you even found him a therapist.

What responsibility is he taking for it?

He's prepared to keep up with the appearances of going through the motions to appease you so that his life doesn't implode.

Honestly, I don't know how you could tolerate being in the same air space with him let alone be able to contort yourself into being OK with this.

That part.

He’s not even remorseful enough to make the amount of effort required to find his own therapist.

Sorry is as sorry does. He should be doing everything he can to show OP that he wants to be a better person for her. Instead, she’s the one trying to fix it for him. Nah, he can get in the bin.

For me it would come down to trust. If you believe you can trust him try again. I dont think therapy will change his behaviour but make him understand why he behaves that way. For me a partner would need to respect me and show honesty. If your values are similar to his this probably wouldn’t have happened. Or had he panicked when. Your child was born? How you feel is important but I’m not sure if he could be honest in therapy considering his behaviour.

Personally all the love, trust, respect, innocent happiness from my relationship would disappear and I think too much of myself to put up with a man who had done all that.

I couldn't ever look at him or think about him or reconcile that he contributed to such awful industries, awful not just for women but for our sons who are growing up into a world that increasingly thinks of online women as sex objects.

So no it would be dead in the water as that is not the sort of man I could stomach to be around for long.

And all the woe is me I will get counselling bollocks, too little too late. It's self absorbed, seedy entitlement. (My H is under no illusions of my feelings about this).

@frozendaisy I agree- it's not whether it's an addiction or just that they are a sleazy bastard- it's that it's unlikely you will ever feel the same way again , it's always on your mind and will spend your life on high alert. Some women to be honest don't give a shit so long as the blokes bringing the money in (and yes it's that shallow) but most women simply won't be able to put up with knowing this is in the background. I despair of many blokes ability to blow up their lives for this kind of shizzle

Hi again everyone. It’s been a while. I thought I’d update you. I am so appreciative of your comments. I did the trial separation and we started couples counselling, he also had individual therapy. Unfortunately this proved to not be enough and he fell back into doing it when things seemed to be getting back on track but just in more secretive ways. I’ve now decided to move on from the relationship. Thank you again for your guidance last year. It really did help me.

@Ab85 good for you - I think it becomes their 'norm' a total addiction and feels exciting compared to the average monogamous set up- some men I think just can't cope without a constant frisson of sexual excitement- even if it means they end up without anyone giving a shit about them - a bit sad really

You did what you could, he has to want it too

'if your husband agrees to have therapy and apologises, would you give a second chance?'

Not a chance in hell.

Money wasted on his sexual antics could have been put in a savings account dow your child.

This is what he enjoys doing. Just like some people like going to watch football or go to the gym. This is him.

I guarantee that even if he does all the grovelling and apologies and agrees to therapy, writes in blood that he will never do it again blah blah blah... you will find yourself in a couple of years time screaming at him at having found him doing the same thing again.

Thanks for the update..You've done all you could. I wish you and your DC all the best in your new life chapter.