Husband and I have separated.. am I being selfish

[wantingthebest]

My Husband and I have recently separated. We are currently on goods terms and are working out how things will look moving forward. He is hoping we can work on our issues, but honestly I am just done. For 17 years I have hoped he would change his ways and he never has. Now he is finally listening and doing all he can but I feel like its too little, too late. We have 4 kids ranging from 12-3. I just feel so guilty that I am breaking up our family and my 3 year old twins will never know what its like to have mum and dad together. Any advice please 😢

Well done on leaving him. The kids will be fine, they will adapt and you deserve to be happy.

He's willing to change NOW? Well too fucking bad. Bit, by bit, one tiny cut at a time, he has slowly killed your love for him. Not so easy getting it back....

If you take him back he'll 'help' you for a few weeks then go back to forgetting to do things. You need to decide if you want to keep living like that where you do everything or have one fewer person to clean and cook for plus the added bonus of the odd weekend to yourself.

From the perspective of a child in a divorce nothing beats seeing your parents happy. It’s better to have two divorced happy parents than married parents who argue/hate each other.

I agree. He has tested your boundaries for 17 years and now says he will stop? That would anger me not placate me

I’m convinced when me say they will change once the chips are down, they don’t intend that change to be permanent. It would mean admitting that their behaviour had been unreasonable and that until now they’d been too stupid to understand, despite having it explained to them over and over again.

Where has the sudden self-awareness come from if not the realisation they are going to lose a lifestyle that suits them? It’s not the fear of losing wife and children; it is the prospect of all the extra graft and expense that comes with co parenting and divorce that makes them agree to change… briefly

I am in the same boat but this is the 2nd time we've split up.

The 1st was after 17 years and I got the tears, the promises to change, the threats to hurting himself. So I took him back because I was scared of breaking up my family, not realising my family was already broken and I was destroying myself trying to hold the pieces together. He lasted three weeks with his promises and the fight had drained out of me so I was stuck again.

Well until 4 weeks ago, after treating me like I'm worthless for 7 years, I finally had enough. He's out and he's staying out. I've had the weeping and wailing from him again and the promises to change and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've had 7 years to come to terms with the end of my marriage and I've grieved it for so long.

While he's talking I just sit there thinking about how great my life will be when he's not in it. We've got kids 12 and 8 and of course he'll be in my life but he'll not be living with me with his constant mood swings, bringing me down, giving me the silent treatment.

Your kids will remember two parents who love them and are happier not as a couple. Staying together for the kids is just showing them their happiness isn’t important when you’re an adult with kids. Would you want your kids to do the same in 30 years? I would much rather have two parents not together than two miserable parents under one roof.

Exactly this.

So he is magically able to start "listening and doing all he can" now that there is a consequence for him.... funny that.

🤔

Points to massive selfishness in my view.

Why marry someone that you wanted to change in the first place and then even when it was obvious that they werent going to change you went on to have chilldren with him?

@Flopsythebunny

Because they don't start out like that. They start out on their best behaviour. Mine kept it up until ds arrived (four years). Then he changed. DS was three days old when the contempt started. We were still in the maternity unit.

The nurse said 'you can take your wife home tomorrow' and he said ' she'll have to wait, I'm in London tomorrow' and walked off.

I spent two years trying to get him to revert to his 'normal self' before I realised this was his normal self and the earlier him had all been an act.

He's changing after 17 years. Do you know what that means?

It means that for 17 years he didn't care when you were miserable. He couldn't care less that you felt unloved, lonely, unfulfilled in the relationship.
You know why he's willing to change now? Because he's miserable now since you've separated.

He doens't give a rats ass about you. He's only changing because it was easier for him not to be separated. As soon as you go back to him, he'll go right back to not caring about you.

Stay strong and keep going. It's a common theme where the husband suddenly 'sees the light' only for the wife to relent, and six months later, she's right back where she started. He can demonstrate his new found zeal by focusing his energy on co-parenting properly. Don't feel guilty, this is his responsibility. You gave him 17 years to sort himself out and he didn't. This is on him.

You've really twisted yourself inside out to make this the OP's fault, haven't you?

Speaking very generally, I think when women walk away, they are well and truly done and have nothing left, the love has gone. They have usually tried for years and years to effect change in their marriage and the husband has ignored, dismissed and denied. Don’t feel guilty op. It’s very unlikely he will change after all of this time.

Thats what I keep saying. Its not easy to trust or forget this time.

The thing is, it isnt about the helping. He is great at that, almost better then me sometimes! Its so many other things that have built up over the years.

Thank you. I this is what I needed to hear. We are both getting along so well now and it feels like the whole house is happier, it was just me with the guilt.

He has said he would make the changes so many times in the past, and he has. but it has never ever lasted. And I keep saying what makes this time any different!

Thank-you for sharing this. I hope you and the kids are doing ok x

This hit hard. It is so so true and you have put into words exactly how I feel.

One thing I've learnt is people only change for themselves not for others. He would probably have good intentions but stuff would creep back in.

I split with ex when dds were 3 and 5. Best thing I ever did. Not only did I role model being independent and successful but later I also role modelled a healthy relationship to them

This exactly. I am so so done. I have protected him for so long from everyone finding out what was really happening. Very few people knew the truth. Then one day it was like something snapped inside of me and I wanted to scream it all from the rooftops. I didn't care who knew anymore, I just wanted it all to be over.

What was happening?

Thank you all for your comments. It felt so good to get it all out. Because I have protected him for so long, no one in real life fully understands just how done I am. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad, there have been some really really good times too. And he isn't a horrible person. His upbringing and the role models he had have a lot to do with it. But there comes a time where we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. I'm now choosing my happiness.