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Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

32 replies

tickle62636262 · 25/03/2024 22:06

Just found messages on my husband's phone to a Mum from school. Nothing bad, just general chit chat, thought it's clear he had asked for her number as he said I will make sure I save you this time.

Just general chit chat, then him trying to joke with her. What strikes me is how prompt he replies and how much effort he made to engage. He does this with no one else. Only other time was years ago with a colleague where he admitted he just wanted some validation and attention. He can't even get back to his friends in a decent time!

The problem is, I suspected a few years ago she might fancy him and I told him this and said be careful, she had started messaging him at odd hours and he was engaging. Again, nothing inappropriate. I told him I found it strange, especially as she was more friendly with me and could have messaged me to ask same things.

He knows things are bad between her and her husband and she wanted to leave (I told him this). I told him I'm annoyed, to me it seems like he's trying to build up this friendship and he doesn't put the effort into anyone else. He then added her on Instagram. Am I being paranoid about this? I suspect a crush and him trying to act on it.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 25/03/2024 22:08

Do you regularly read his messages?

Original poster
tickle62636262 · 25/03/2024 22:09

He was sitting beside me as I did it as I was sending videos in his phone to his family. So yeah sometimes I do.

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 25/03/2024 22:11

Not good.

Abnormal level of engagement from his usual style with a female who he knows might fancy him.

Nip it in the bud.

TheSnowyOwl · 25/03/2024 22:13

So given he must have an expectation of you reading his messages, and it sounds like you have a historic number rather than them being mass deleted, it doesn’t sound suspicious.

If you had said you often read his messages because of past history or a gut instinct, then I would probably look at it slightly differently (purely because of the reply timescales).

Ask him how he got her number. It could be she messaged him and he didn’t bother to store it so when she messaged again he didn’t know who it was which would also explain his comment about saving it.

Scrollbreadroll · 25/03/2024 22:16

@tickle62636262 not paranoid no. He is putting effort into a friendship with another woman that is different to the effort he puts into other friendships. And with a woman you suspect fancies him and who is messaging him at odd hours. Sounds like your partner has form for this and likes to get his ego boosted by other women.

Original poster
tickle62636262 · 25/03/2024 22:22

He says he can't remember how or why he got her number (these messages are from a few days ago) he said I think i told her to text me and I said why? He then said oh I don't think I did say that. He is acting strange and has apologised.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 25/03/2024 22:51

Yes, @tickle62636262, I agree that he is acting on his crush on this woman.

He is singling her out to invest his time and energy in, and is being playful with her. There’s a frisson between them. The last time he behaved this way with another woman, he acknowledged that he was indeed seeking her attention and validation. History is repeating itself.

It is troubling that you’ve expressed your discomfort, yet he dismissed your feelings and added her on Instagram. It looks like he is determined to pursue and build a connection with her.

I just saw your update about his acting slippery. I would read him the riot act and remind him that he has much to lose. If he wants to act like a single guy, it won’t be while being married to you.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 25/03/2024 22:55

TheSnowyOwl · 25/03/2024 22:08

Do you regularly read his messages?

That's what you took from that entire post?

Queenmaker · 25/03/2024 22:56

Totally inappropriate. It also spells trouble if he doesn't care that you are upset/uncomfortable about it. Actions speak louder than words I have found with men, so you need to do something so that he knows how serious you are. Just complaining and talking about it has clearly made no difference to his behaviour.

Pinkbonbon · 25/03/2024 22:58

There's no reason to be texting her.

It's profoundly innapropriate.
He's a married man!

I'd tell him if he disrespected me like this again I'd leave him.

In future 'I don't know. Ask my wife' is all he should text this woman.

Don't let him take the piss.

savethatkitty · 25/03/2024 22:59

Definitely nip this in the bud. My husband's head was once turned by a very older woman he worked with. She showered him with compliments etc & he absolutely lapped it up. Admittedly, at that time, I was seriously preoccupied with an extremely stressful new job & perhaps didn't give him the attention he needed. Anyway, what I have learned is men are rather simple creatures. I began making a conscious effort to compliment my husband- even if most of it was bullocks! Stuff like "how clever you are, how lovely you smell, how great you look in blue, how much that haircut suits you" blah blah. You get the drift. Suddenly, he wasn't as receptive to the other woman, because I was paying him attention. Simple, but it works. You are not being paranoid but do something about it before it escalates.

BeckiWithAnI · 25/03/2024 23:22

As others have said, nip this in the bud. Right now even he thinks this is innocent as in theory it’s all friendly, but the posters above are right, he’s investing more attention to this “friend” than other friendships. When people cheat they always use the line “I didn’t mean for it to happen” and this is what they mean. Right now he doesn’t intend anything to happen but he’s on the slippery slope and quickly approaching the point of no return. You’re at this crossroads.
Turn his head back. It’s easy to get mad and offer up threats and ultimatums, but as the saying goes “you catch more flies with honey”. Offer him whatever he’s getting from her as this is probably what he feels he’s missing (rightly or wrongly) right now, even if it’s just funny carefree conversation or banter, memes, ego stroking, even “I saw this shirt today and thought it would look so good on you I had to buy it” “wow! That really suits you”. As women we can forget that men like to receive compliments too. The OW always knows this. Get ahead of her.

beenwhereyouare · 25/03/2024 23:41

It's not you- he's apparently a bad liar who is trying to convince you he hasn't done anything wrong. Obviously bad.

Original poster
tickle62636262 · 25/03/2024 23:55

Thanks everyone. We have been through a bad patch recently, our relationship isn't great. I just wanted him to admit why he was entertaining this, but he can't even do that. Hate being treated as though I am stupid. I think it's just another symptom of our marriage being dead to be honest. But at least I know I'm not being paranoid. I wouldn't behave that way and I know he wouldn't like it.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 26/03/2024 00:03

I suspected a few years ago she might fancy him and I told him this and said be careful, she had started messaging him at all hours and he was engaging.

He knows things are bad between her and her husband and she wanted to leave him (I told him this).

He absolutely has an agenda. He is intrigued and attracted, and is reaching out during this vulnerable time for her, likely angling to be her KISA. They already have a history of inappropriate engagement.

His stumbling and scrambling regarding how he got her number speaks volumes. This is headed in a very wrong and destructive direction, @tickle62636262. An inappropriate closeness is developing in plain sight.

Tackle this now.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 26/03/2024 07:35

Great advice from @MsDogLady and @Pinkbonbon as always! I wish I knew you two ladies in real life!

Rania78 · 27/03/2024 08:39

You know what?
Creste a group chat for the three of you and tell them that you know what they are doing and that you don’t feel comfortable. Tell her in the chat that you intend to tell her husband.
The let’s see if they dare to continue this farce.

Louise0808 · 27/03/2024 20:36

Its all odd to me. They have no reason to communicate. At all. I think your husband is enjoying the attention but maybe not fully committed to having an affair yet, else he would delete stuff. But I also find it odd that you told him another woman fancies him and her marriage might end. And then he's continued to have communication with her after knowing this. Its all highly inappropriate and I would be exiting that situation sharpish.

Original poster
tickle62636262 · 30/03/2024 20:48

So he denied that he was flattered, said he didn't think much of it etc. It's hard to know with him because he really hasn't tried to hide any of it and has apologised because he said he understood my pov. However, we saw her yesterday, they were together at one point but her husband was also there. Since then she has been flat out texting me. It is so strange, he swears he said nothing - but now I think maybe something is going on because this is so bizarre from her. I said this to him and he laughed it off. It can't just be a coincidence.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 30/03/2024 23:52

You’re not being paranoid. A suggestion would be to dissuade her from pursuing this by how she will be viewed and treated by other mums. It’s a fact that nobody sees a threat in a good light, whether or not it directly affects them. This woman is a massive threat.

Maybe mention to one or two close friends at school (if you have them) what you suspect this woman is doing and make sure she catches you talking about her/ friends looking at her at school.

It may be the wake up call she needs to leave your husband the fuck alone.

MsDogLady · 31/03/2024 00:58

We have been through a bad patch recently, our relationship isn’t great. I just wanted him to admit why he was entertaining this, but he can’t even do that.

@tickle62636262, I wouldn’t be surprised if your rough patch was actually triggered by his turned head and redirected attention. He is absolutely seeking validation from this reignited adventure. You’ve given him the opportunity to choose a different path … to strengthen his boundaries and protect his fidelity. It’s a shame that he is gaslighting you instead of treating you and your marriage with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Both of them have changed their behavior. He is giving her his undivided attention and prioritizing her over everyone else, including you. Now, right after your discussion and then running into them, she is suddenly reaching out to you. No, it’s not a coincidence. They are attempting to throw you off the scent.

How often do they see each other? Does he do the school run?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2024 02:20

Why are you gaslighting yourself? Of course you're not being paranoid, your husband is playing with fire and he knows it.

anareen · 31/03/2024 02:31

It's weird that they are even texting in the first place. All of this feels off and I would be weary and cautious of it all. Tell him to not keep in contact with her anymore and see how he reacts.

Southern68 · 31/03/2024 02:56

I would mention it to the other woman, and ask why she thinks it's ok to be messaging your husband, it might be enough to nip it in the bud, if she trys to trivialise it, ask if she'd like you to pop round and ask her husband for his number so you can message him at odd hours.

If you don't feel like you can do that, then tell your husband to answer her with, I dunno, ask (your name), and make it clear this is not the respectful behaviour from him that you have every right to expect.

Sceptical123 · 31/03/2024 08:39

Southern68 · 31/03/2024 02:56

I would mention it to the other woman, and ask why she thinks it's ok to be messaging your husband, it might be enough to nip it in the bud, if she trys to trivialise it, ask if she'd like you to pop round and ask her husband for his number so you can message him at odd hours.

If you don't feel like you can do that, then tell your husband to answer her with, I dunno, ask (your name), and make it clear this is not the respectful behaviour from him that you have every right to expect.

Yes this. I think it’s time to confront her face to face. Her reaction will tell you everything, followed by your husband’s. If it’s nothing there will be no change in his behaviour. If he cares about this woman he will either be annoyed/angry with you for hurting her or making her feel uncomfortable, or lay the attention on with you to try and throw you off the scent. It’s unlikely that he won’t react once she tells him, if there’s anything happening between them. But it sounds like there is.