Am I being paranoid?

[tickle62636262]

Just found messages on my husband's phone to a Mum from school. Nothing bad, just general chit chat, thought it's clear he had asked for her number as he said I will make sure I save you this time.

Just general chit chat, then him trying to joke with her. What strikes me is how prompt he replies and how much effort he made to engage. He does this with no one else. Only other time was years ago with a colleague where he admitted he just wanted some validation and attention. He can't even get back to his friends in a decent time!

The problem is, I suspected a few years ago she might fancy him and I told him this and said be careful, she had started messaging him at odd hours and he was engaging. Again, nothing inappropriate. I told him I found it strange, especially as she was more friendly with me and could have messaged me to ask same things.

He knows things are bad between her and her husband and she wanted to leave (I told him this). I told him I'm annoyed, to me it seems like he's trying to build up this friendship and he doesn't put the effort into anyone else. He then added her on Instagram. Am I being paranoid about this? I suspect a crush and him trying to act on it.

I would be wondering whether she intended to go from her husband to your husband without having any time on her own.

I would definitely speak to her in the playground when you have a friend with you and just say can I ask why you're messaging my husband all the time? She actually has no reason to message him and I can't think of any excuse she might give though she may well tell you that he's the one messaging her. It would be interesting to look back at the messages to see who messaged who first.

Yes, because as I commented afterwards, I wanted further information before looking at the whole picture. Often people spend time commenting and then the OP gives a backstory that completely changes what that advice would have been. Usually, in my experience, if someone often feels the need to read messages it’s a sign of a relationship that isn’t secure and happy. That then makes a change regarding the response. Does that answer your question, or do you have anything further to ask me before responding in full?

Trust your gut. Always.

This woman is not your friend.

Your DH needs to give his head a wobble, he's walking a fine line here...what an idiot.

It’s inappropriate and not ok .

He knows she’s attracted to him and he’s enjoying the validation, she’s most likely looking for an escape route from her marriage.

You are NOT being paranoid ..

It’s not acceptable for them to be constantly messaging , just because the messages look innocent , it means nothing . They are creating a familiarity between themselves which will inevitably lead to more if unchecked .

I Would be asking her why she is messaging your husband .. your husband needs to be told this ends now , if he wants to continue contacting her he can do it as a single man .

They are creating a familiarity between themselves which will inevitably lead to more if unchecked.

I agree with @Rockschooldropout‘s above comment. Building familiarity like this creates an intimacy and reliance that diminish the primary relationship. @tickle62636262, read Not Just Friends for Dr. Shirley Glass’ explanation of windows and walls in relationships. Your marriage is under threat, as H has opened a space for this OW and is shifting his emotional energy to her.

He can scoff at your concern til the cows come home, but he is behaving like a man who is invested elsewhere. I think they have communicated about your suspicions, so her repeatedly messaging you now is damage control to con you.

As I said earlier, I would come down hard and tell him that you aren’t prepared to be made a fool of, and remind him that he has much to lose.

It is a LOT easier said than done, but I really think you need to have it out with her face to face.

“Hi, I’ve noticed you’ve been messaging my husband a lot at weird times of the day. (You could give examples of the late/early hours times) Can I ask why you do this?” (Silence, wait for her to react/respond)

If she stares at you in embarrassed silence or tries to fumble an explanation -

“I’m not sure why you aren’t messaging me though. Why is that?”

”Would you be happy if someone was doing this TO your husband?” (Don’t say WITH as this suggests a level of conspiratorial intimacy that may or may not be there and would only add weight to them vs you)

”I’d like you to stop.” (Wait for her reaction, whether a nod, a verbal confirmation - leave her to it. Obviously if she starts with the “You can’t tell em what to do” etc you’d have to meet her head on with a “Are you serious?!” Depending on who’s about considering raising your voice slightly - “I have asked you to respect my relationship and you have a problem with that, is that what you are telling me?”

It would take a lot of balls but it depends how angry you are about this OP. She deserves putting on the spot and other ppl knowing what she’s been up to.

How are things now, @tickle62636262?