Do unfaithful DHs still have sex with their wives?

[RottingInBed]

Hello

I saw on another thread a minute ago someone said to OP: "for 3 years he was shagging her and then coming home and shagging you". OP had not said anything about her and her DH's sex life (or absence thereof).

This is something I have wondered about over the years.

Do DHs still have sex with their DWs whilst conducting affairs? (I'm thinking more of long term affairs rather than one night stands).

What about unfaithful DWs?

Does the unfaithful spouse continue sleeping with their spouse as part of a way to hide the affair?

And what about the affair partner? (Let's pretend they're single) Do they know/care if the person they're having the affair with is still shagging their spouse? Presumably it matters the basis on which the affair is happening? Ie whether both parties are aware it's just for fun or whether one/both parties thinks/pretends it's TRUE LOVE and they will be together as soon as the kids leave home.

Thanks for any thoughts.

FYI I have limited experience - my boyfriend of 9 years had an "exit affair" when we'd stopped having sex and our rship was dead. So I wasn't as bothered as I would have been if we were still being intimate.

Anecdotally there is a lot of 'He wanted to leave her but she got pregnant' going on, as if she did it through osmosis!

Men don't always tell the women they are cheating with that they aren't having sex with their wives.

I know of one where the man told his affair partner he was only sleeping with her and his wife as it would be weird otherwise. She was more wanting to know was he shagging another bit on the side.

And, let’s be honest, there is likely to be someone else if the opportunity arises and he isn’t going to tell any of them if he doesn’t have to.

Anyone, whether male or female that has an affair cares only for themselves.
No one else’s feelings matter.

(from personal experience of a lying cheating bastard. )

I think I met a man like this!!!

I never slept with him, but he tried at a work event - and when I turned him down he went ballistic. He's engaged but slept with almost every young, attractive woman in our office

I'm at a new company now, it's a small industry and he's there too. Everyone there thinks he's the most fun, charming guy. But he's horrible, and constantly lies

Good question - why do they believe it?

No idea.

My DHs ex was having an affair with a married man for 1.5 years. He was definitely still having sex with his wife as he gave her Chlamydia.

This.

@RottingInBed I’m wondering if you think that men have affairs because they want more sex? Because that’s not usually what it’s about at all.

It’s about entitlement, power and control. They feel entitled to have one woman at home doing the domestic drudgery and another ( or several ) on the side. They tell themselves that it’s ok to do this because [ insert Special Reason ].

A common Special Reason they make up is that his wife isn’t having sex with him / the right kind of sex / often enough / doesn’ have the figure of an 18 year old after 3 kids / whatever . But that’s usually a lie , it’s just the bastards think it’s plausible and their deluded affair partners like to believe it.

Namechange, obviously.

Yes, in most cases.

I think I've been with four men that I knew were married (probably others that I didn't know about, and leaving out the couples who i was seeing for threesomes). I'm certain they all wanted more sex than they were getting, or they wouldn't have been contacting women on hook-up sites. Only one said that he didn't have sex with his wife, but also that he adored her and had been constantly unfaithful from the earliest days of going out together. The other three said they were having sex with their wives, but not often. Only one defined exactly how often (in his case, once every other month). Who knows if that was true or whether it was just an amount he thought would make it more likely he would get a shag.

Of course they do.

Some people have no conscience. It’s really that simple.

It’s about entitlement, power and control. They feel entitled to have one woman at home doing the domestic drudgery and another ( or several ) on the side. They tell themselves that it’s ok to do this because [ insert Special Reason ].

I agree with this too. I think the married guy I was seeing was deeply insecure (narcs often are) and it made him feel like the dogs bollocks to be shagging two women. I actually realise now he’s deeply misogynistic and hates women.

I get the feeling they’re often the kind of men who were bullied/weren’t popular with the girls at school!

Another thing they like to do is insist on their affair partner being faithful to them. Because, even though he has a wife and (at least one) girlfriend, it is a massive betrayal for her to see anyone else.

If the affair partner is also married, she often has to lie about not having sex with her own husband because he (her affair partner) can't stand the thought of that. Any sex admitted to must only have happened to "keep the peace" and have been purely mechanical. Not enjoyable at all.

🙄

Absolutely correct. That was my first red flag.

Happened to someone I know. She insists his marriage is in name only yet dw has had 2 and soon to be baby 3 in the summer. Yet the ow insists wife tricked him into it. All 3 times.

I think sometimes it's wilful ignorance. There is always someone who says 'But you don't know what he has told her about his marriage'. Well really? She has been told the oldest lines in the book, and had no credulity at all? They didn't think 'Well, I've never heard that line about him being separated/just there for the kids/more like brother and sister before?

@Yesonenightonly I hope you're ok. There must be something lacking in you to try and fill it with these scummy men.

Yes, he was having half arsed quick but regular sex with me. Pump and dump kinda situation. And of course told me he loved me every day and how I was the best in bed and how he loved our life 🥰

Husband and I weren't having much sex for a while due to medical reasons. I'm talking maybe twice a year over a few years. Things improved and we started having sex more regularly. It was only after this that I learned he'd been playing away during that time. So my example is that, no, he wasn't really having sex with his wife while he was seeing OW.
Anecdotally, I saw her once while they were having their thing, but obviously didn't know at that time that they were having a thing. I remember she did a double-take and stared at my face for slightly longer than is socially 'normal'. I couldn't work out at the time what that was about. I wonder if she was trying to work out if what he'd told her about us not having sex was actually true.