Do unfaithful DHs still have sex with their wives?

[RottingInBed]

Hello

I saw on another thread a minute ago someone said to OP: "for 3 years he was shagging her and then coming home and shagging you". OP had not said anything about her and her DH's sex life (or absence thereof).

This is something I have wondered about over the years.

Do DHs still have sex with their DWs whilst conducting affairs? (I'm thinking more of long term affairs rather than one night stands).

What about unfaithful DWs?

Does the unfaithful spouse continue sleeping with their spouse as part of a way to hide the affair?

And what about the affair partner? (Let's pretend they're single) Do they know/care if the person they're having the affair with is still shagging their spouse? Presumably it matters the basis on which the affair is happening? Ie whether both parties are aware it's just for fun or whether one/both parties thinks/pretends it's TRUE LOVE and they will be together as soon as the kids leave home.

Thanks for any thoughts.

FYI I have limited experience - my boyfriend of 9 years had an "exit affair" when we'd stopped having sex and our rship was dead. So I wasn't as bothered as I would have been if we were still being intimate.

I remember my ex wife coming in at 6am in the morning from work and waking me up for sex. She left me that afternoon completely out of the blue to me when she told me. When I asked her about the sex that morning it was she said because she enjoyed it with me but loved someone else

I had an affair (both married). I wasn’t having sex with my dh and he said he wasn’t having sex with his DW - but it turned out he was.

He told me a lot of other lies about their relationship too - that it was over, they were just living like housemates, she had MH issues etc none of which was true. I wouldn’t have touched him with a barge pole if I’d thought he was still in sexual relationship with his wife. I guess he knew that and that’s why he lied!

Sometimes the 'style' of sex changes. As in, a couple has had a sex in a certain way for years, and then an affair starts and husband is being rougher or using different moves etc. that can be a give away.

I agree with you. Never thought about it like that before but yes. Absolutely.

A friend's DH told his OW (who told my friend) that he was in a sexless marriage. They were TTC so were pretty active!

I told my husband I wasn't interested in sex due to menopause while sleeping with OM. I got to the point when even the idea of sex with my ex husband gave me a panic attack

Thanks for sharing everyone btw. From the cheating and cheated-on sides.

<resolves never go to near a man again>

From my personal experience, yes. Never saw affair/s coming. Very active sex life and married 13 years when I found out (got married at 21 and kids were born 23/25 stage. No drop at all in sexual activity).

Seems obvious that a cheater will usually lie to their bit on the side too.

Yes, and it's fucking grim when you find out, the disgusting bastards.

I had suspicions but found out for sure when we were on holiday. We had great sex the first night. He then moped around miserable as hell for a couple of days then went home as he felt ill. I made him do a COVID test and everything, and was worried about him, but he insisted I should stay. Next evening I called him, something didn't ring true, and checked his location on Google maps. He was there the whole of the time, presumably on a shag fest.

Then at the end of the holiday he returned to collect me, I was obviously not very enthusiastic at greeting him and he said 'don't I get a kiss then?'

Yes, they can happily have sex/kiss/whatever both of you.

She knew about me but I have no idea if she was thick enough to fall for a story or just didn't give a shit.

I think there's probably three likely scenarios.

Scenario 1: relationship is low on sex, neither person is prioritising romantic intimacy with each other, but the relationship is more than platonic, hasn't drifted fully into roommate territory. There might be other pressures such as young children and the cheating spouse turns elsewhere rather than address what's not working.

Scenario 2: relationship does have an almost non-existent sex life / sex is a carrot that's dangled as a reward now and then, just enough that neither person is going to walk away unless something big happens. I'm thinking here about the posts on here where some posters insist that they'd happily never have sex again, would like their spouse to stop viewing it as important, if they loved me they'd not be bothered by it etc. I think in these situations the cheating spouse might end up in an emotional affair that turns physical and it becomes an exit affair. The betrayed spouse will insist their spouse was happy and will refuse to acknowledge that the relationship was declining and in a bad way for a while.

Scenario 3: the relationship has a good sex life and the cheating spouse feel entitled to have their cake and eat it too. Here the cheating spouse probably has form for infidelity, will tell their OM/OW all the lines from the script book if it means they get what they want. The faithful spouse probably genuinely has no idea that there was anything wrong or going on.

My 2 friends whose husbands cheated were also having sex with them. The trust went, they felt dirty, one said did he even shower between them, the disgust kept her focused on divorce.

Both now in better relationships.

Why would an OW believe it though? I reckon a fair proportion of men (though not all), let alone cheaters, will say anything to get in a woman's pants. Why would an OW believe it? Why doesn't she automatically assume he's lying?? I would.
Genuine question!

I think with men certainly you just get a high variation in sex drives. A man who's powerfully, passionately attracted to one woman will likely enough respond the same way towards others given half a chance.

Does the unfaithful spouse continue sleeping with their spouse as part of a way to hide the affair?

This and other comments you have made suggest you believe that he actually prefers the person he is having an affair with to his wife and that’s often not the case. Usually they are some easy sex and the risk of being caught is most of the appeal. The majority of the time, it caught, the man begs for forgiveness from his wife because that’s who he actually wants.

Mine didn't.
He couldn't bring himself to come near me after he had started his affair, packed up and left before I found out. Long story, he is now back home, we are working things through. I think the knowing he left before there was any overlap has been a factor in me trusting him that she is no longer on the scene.

OW either genuinely believe it because they are thick, or it suits them to pretend to themselves they believe it so they can avoid any uncomfortable feelings about what they are doing.

Yes, they do and unprotected sex with both too, including while having pregnant wives or TTC. They do give a shite, about anything really.

@TheSnowyOwl

Hadn't even thought of it like that, interesting!

I'm having sex outside of my marriage.

There is no marital sex and there never will be again.

Of course they do, often unprotected with both parties, that’s why the wife is advised to do a STD check.

I was just like you, never thought I’d sleep with a married man/believe all the crap they come out with. Such a cliche etc.

Then I met a covert narcissist!

They come across like the kindest, sweetest most charming people you’ve ever met. I actually felt sorry for him as he was so lovely and kind and trapped in this dreadful sexless marriage but couldn’t leave as she had MH issues (he said stemming from the fact that his business had gone into liquidation- which was true - and them subsequently losing out on buying her dream house). He said she was a recluse for four years and they slept in separate rooms and led separate lives.
The thing is they often tell a few true things in amongst the lies so you don’t know you’re arse from your elbow.
His name for her was the “soul sucker” as he said she sucked the joy out of everything and he felt trapped. He told me he loved me and made plans for the future, would send me details of houses he wanted to rent for me to check out, booked a holiday for the summer.

It was all bollocks.

Im an intelligent woman, well read and articulate and anyone who knows me would tell you I have common sense in spades. Yet I still fell for it. I was completely blindsided when I found out it was a pack of lies and his DW was oblivious. He’d told me he confessed about me and she’d left - she did nothing of the sort - she hacked his phone bc she had her suspicions and confronted him at which point he begged her not to leave him and threatened to kill himself!

Until you meet one of these characters you will never understand it. They’re evil, extremely manipulative and pathological liars but come across like saints. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I never in a million years thought I would be the OW.

@Cabbagepatchkid2

Thank you for sharing that, it's very insightful. I like to think I'm quite a cautious/wary (wouldn't go so far as to say distrustful) person but the way you've described what you went through, I'm not sure how I would have reacted really. I'm assuming you were single and it sounds almost like grooming in a way.

Yes they do. Then uncovering multiple affairs and finding out who the OW was who he left for, sent me straight to the clinic for STI tests. Revolting creature 🤢

I’m married but divorcing.

And yes it did feel exactly like I was groomed. I’m still in shock tbh!

Not looking for sympathy though - I own what I did entirely, I feel very foolish.