Any stately home folk around? ‘Narc’ mum issue

[Raisedbyanarc]

NC for this but I am trying to find the latest ‘well we took you to stately homes’ thread (but don’t know how to search) or get some advice about my relationship with my mum.

She is 70s I am 50s. She behaved badly recently and it’s reminded me of all the things she has done over the years and it’s making me pull away from her.

The main theme is putting her own emotions before mine. She had a difficult relationship with her mum so I know where it comes from, but she is manipulative, passive aggressive and uses emotional blackmail to get what she feels she needs.

She loves us but I find her behaviour very hard to be around. I’m putting in boundaries and I’m trying not to get organised by her behaviour but I can’t tell if I’m going too far.

I was raised to be the peace keeper, the soother, the carer and the ‘go to’ person for any emotional needs. I am also the one who brings everyone together for social events. I no longer want to be in this role. I’m too worn out.

My nephew, her GS, is visiting her from away this week. He is staying with her rather than us as she is helping him pull his CV together - she was a careers advisor. Usually I would suggest plans - e.g let’s get out for a walk at lunch time so you both get some fresh air etc. I’d invite them up to dinner. Instead I said to let me know what their plans are and we would plan around them. I said they are welcome any time for food and I’m happy to drive us out anywhere (I am the only driver).

DM has got back to me with a plan that basically means we won’t see her. DN will just spend a day with us. Usually I would say ‘but we won’t see you. Why don’t we do/go xyz…’ because that’s what she needs. She needs confirmation that she’s wanted and what she is doing now is trying to manipulate me into confirming she’s wanted.

She’s doing a ‘poor me, nobody wants me, they will be better without me’ but in order to try and get some feedback. I don’t want to do that dance anymore. All my life I’ve been dancing to this tune and when I have genuinely needed emotional support, I’ve ended up supporting her. Recent events have shown me that I’m lots of peoples ‘go to’ for emotional support but few people in my life give me the support I give them. So I’m making changes.

So I just texted ‘If that’s what works best for you x’

Am I being mean? I can’t tell if I’m being boundaried or have gone too far. I’ve been a people pleaser for so long I’ve lost sight of what’s normal!

Op you are not being unreasonable. You are standing up for yourself and putting boundaries in place..... which is what is needed for your peace of mind. I had similar with my mum so sending you the biggest hug x

And the plan does not include an Easter gathering at all. So she will miss my DC hunting their Easter eggs which I know she’d love to see.

Thank you so much. That made me teary in a good way. Hugs back.

You are doing fine. You are just refusing to be manipulated. It is unkind to allow someone to continue to manipulate things.
You only think it is unkind because that is what you have been told by your mother all your life!

well done op , firstly for recognising that your childhood wasn’t right and then for being able to act on it. I’ve just put my brew down and am giving you a little round of Applause. Stay strong.

Shes like my mother...but mines just not nice in any arena.
Im nc too.
Grey rock and thats what you did with your last comment.
Youre not wrong... just don't show emotional..if shes all woe me i wont then... just do what you have...'ok well you take care'

You are not being mean, or remotely unreasonable. It just feels that way because you've been conditioned into putting other people before yourself.

I had therapy for years for this type is issue (amongst other stuff), but I wasn't the 'people pleaser', my role was scapegoat/rescuer with a huge expectation from my DM that I have to sort everything out, respond to every 'crisis' and be blamed when things went wrong. And generally be treated less than my siblings.

I resigned from the assigned roles over 10 years ago and it's the best decision I've ever made. I just wish I'd done it sooner.

Give yourself permission to set and retain boundaries, even when there is 'kick back' from others. You will feel better for it. It's likely you will encounter problems from others as you enforce the changes, but that's their issue.💐

That’s fine. Have some replies ready for when she pushes back- there’s no need to be taken By surprise as you know it’s coming!

examples-
Oh I thought you must be wanting a break after a week with DN and didn’t want to come this year.
You know you’re always welcome. I just followed the plan you sent.
Why didn’t you come? We did wonder.
You come all the time, thought you’d decided to let us make the most of DN as we don’t see him much.
Weren’t you having a morning off after busy times with DN?
e.t.c

It’s about shifting the responsibility for her feelings back to her, as you’ve clearly identified.

We’re in a similar boat, but like PP DM isn’t actually very nice- and she’s exhausting so I was thrilled she couldn’t make it this time!

Your response was perfect. If anything it would be disrespectful to second guess her plans. Do expect to get punished though, and have to be patient while she tries out some new tactics on you.

This scenario very familiar to me. You are not alone in navigating midlife with such a mother and I'm so sorry to hear it. Well done for recognising these patterns of behaviour need to change.
Changing your responses to her behaviour takes work and like on this occasion will also extract an emotional toll on you.
I had reached my 50s and could no longer deal with the emotional outbursts and manipulation but did not want to go no contact as 2 of my sibs have. Lets face it none of us are going to live forever and regret in a place of grief is grim indeed. However I had to stop feeling manipulated and yes even fighting with her and being resentful. It didn't feel right not to at least try to reframe our relationship.
What really helped me to transform my relationship with DM was investing in psychotherapy for myself. I knew it down to me to do the work..DM unlikely to change.
Therapy helped me to set boundaries and nurture compassion for myself. Something peacemakers and ppl pleasers need! I identified how her behaviour would trigger negative thoughts feelings and behaviours in myself and found ways to sidestep myself from reacting to those triggers.
In therapy speak I learned to meet my mother adult to adult not with her as the adult and me as the child.
Amazingly she has responded to this and now values me more. Her manipulation does not get the result it used to and has almost! stopped. When it does happen now I can just observe it but not get pulled in.
Its not perfect. But its not conflict or no contact either. Both outcomes i had decided i didn't want for my own wellbeing.
I wish you well on this journey of discovery. You deserve to change the dynamic and put yourself first. Surprising things happen when we do!

Thank you. 🙏

You reply was great. It’s hard at the beginning after a lifetime of being manipulated, but you’ll find it easier as you go on from here. It’s tiresome and soul destroying dealing with someone like your dm.

Thank you. Helpful to think it’s unkind to allow it to continue. 🙏

Ha ha. Thank you for the applause 😂

I was just trying to reply to all the posts and then realised I was trying to please you all too! 😂 Old habits die hard. It’s like my brain just automatically goes to ‘how can I help? How can I respond in the kindest way? What does this person need from me?’

So I’m going to instead say to you all, thank you for taking time to reply and for sharing your wisdom. Sorry to hear lots of you have had similar or worse experiences.

It’s really helped and this is what I value from MN. We can share our wisdom and prop each other up in a way that can be hard IRL.

🫖 ☕️ 🧁 to you all. 🙏

Well done! It’s deeply ingrained isn’t it?

I feel I made myself ill prioritising everyone else’s needs and wants.

Menopause is excellent for resetting priorities! It’s great you’ve started early! 🤣

Yes! I’m peri. I feel like I am seeing life with new eyes!! It’s one of the few positives! 😂

@Raisedbyanarc I totally agree with your sentiment and need for boundaries, but the message you sent was quite passive aggressive itself and there’s no need for you to join in that game.
If you want to stand for something different then be firm but genuine and sincere.
In my view instead of “if that’s what works best for you x” I might have said something like “yep that sounds good I’ll see dn on Thursday” (or whatever day she’s suggesting).

Because in your message she will still feel your displeasure, so you’re still participating in the game

Thanks. That’s good advice. So hard to get the balance right.

yep that sounds good I’ll see dn on Thursday

I like this wording. Though if it was my mother Thursday would roll around and she'd mysteriously come down with a debilitating but non-specific illness, and there'd be a croak of "But don't worry about me... you all go on and have fun" from a darkened room.

Hugs OP. It's shit.

This is so right! The first text is reacting. The second is responding.
Reacting means you have been sucked into the game
Responding is keeping you safe and setting boundaries

It is so deeply ingrained and your parents can take you back to that poor child aged 5 or whatever as manipulation starts every.

My mothers has had endless heart attack or broken her ankle when her behaviour is called out. For example what she was mean to one of the children and I said - that was very harsh you upset DC with that - what message did that send them. She would then have a strop and collapse on the sofa having chest pains - when I offered to phone an ambulance she would then slam off somewhere and refuse. Thank God we are NC.

Stick to your boundaries think of her as a difficult client you can’t deliver x and offer y. Leave it to her to accept or not. And flip your argument - she wants to feel wanted but she isn’t making them feel wanted is she? All about her and not them or wanting to make them feel needed.

Sounds very familiar! Hugs back 🤗

Oh, yes, the am dram episodes of OTT illness stuff. Exactly that. She will suddenly put her head down and close her eyes with her hands to her head if she doesn’t like something. TBH I think she is feeling physiologically challenged. Her fight flight system goes into threat mode. But we didn’t cause this and it’s not our job to fix it. I can’t go NC but have gone LC.

You are so right. I have not been considered at all in her plans but I don’t notice that. I’m so used to putting what I want last, I find it hard to even know what I want! But I am getting there!