Married for 10 years, but can’t tell anyone

[LucyJane2024]

DH (39) and I (36) have been married for coming up 10 years.. however we didn’t get Married under normal circumstances.. We secretly married in the registry office so I could stay living with him in the UK. At the time we had been living together and in a long term relationship. We agreed we would keep the marriage to ourselves until we were ready to have a proper wedding with friends & family.

Fast forward 10 years and DH still isn’t ready to tell people, and has just admitted he doesn’t want a wedding and isn’t comfortable telling anyone we are married.. ever. He’s happy to go along as we have been in a “pretend defacto relationship”.

Holding this secret in upsets me, especially that none of my close family know. When they ask about whether we will get married, I have to lie, I feel so ashamed and guilty about it.

Am I wrong to feel rejected and betrayed? Where do we go from here? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Have you told your family?

What is your husband reasoning behind this? Does he not want to stay together?

Divorce if I'm honest why is he embarrassed? You have been together ten YEARS not five weeks

What on earth is his reasoning? You've been married ten years! What is he expecting to change if you tell people?

Just tell them.

He's not in charge of your life.

He doesn't have to have "a wedding" because he is already married. It is very weird that he still wants to keep this a secret. You are surely entitled to tell anyone you want that you are married. Why does he still want to lie about it? If the families say they want to celebrate you can say no thank you, we are happy as we are.

I'd just start... matter of fact telling people. "Yeah, we've actually been married since 2014".

Why should you have to live a lie? You're married. You've been married a decade. Just tell people. What's your husband gonna do about it?

Start telling people. He's not in charge of you.

If you feel too afraid then leave, that's not healthy or normal.

That's insane. Just tell whoever you want.

It's not his secret to keep.

Being married is the truth and it's yours to tell to anyone you want.

This!

This is indeed insane. Just tell them.

I would be wondering if he has been married before and not bothered getting divorced before marrying you. It's insane to keep a ten year marriage a secret!

But was there ever any reason tho keep it a secret? I can understand if he doesn't want to do the wedding thing (sort of) but there's something off about this.

Was he definitely free to marry when you got married? What do you think he'd do if you 'went public ' about your marriage?

He married you so you could stay in the U.K.

How long were you together before got married

Was you going to be deported?

Seems weird he won't tell anyone but you are in a relationship ?

What you do is leave him. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but men who want to be with their wives aren’t hiding the fact they’re married to them. He doesn’t have the balls to break up with you - if you think about it there’s likely many other little indicators of this. Sorry but I can’t see it any other way - you’d have to give a really good reason to change my mind

Stop saying "Was you..."

It's such poor English and sounds awful!

It's "Were you..."

I'm actually furious on your behalf.

Personally I would take charge by telling him, two choices... you either announce we are married or I will announce we are divorcing.

@penjil There is more than one way of speaking English. I understood @Blondeshavemorefun; I'm articulate and so is she:

https://www.ted.com/talks/jamila_lyiscott_3_ways_to_speak_english?language=en

Why did you marry in secret? And what reason has he given you for continuing to keep your marriage secret?

i'd be checking over the legality and reviewing if indeed he was free to marry. once it's confirmed that the wedding is indeed legal i would also begin telling people (but then i wouldn't have waited more than 12 months).
something sounds fishy

This is the only explanation that makes sense to me.