Married for 10 years, but can’t tell anyone

[LucyJane2024]

DH (39) and I (36) have been married for coming up 10 years.. however we didn’t get Married under normal circumstances.. We secretly married in the registry office so I could stay living with him in the UK. At the time we had been living together and in a long term relationship. We agreed we would keep the marriage to ourselves until we were ready to have a proper wedding with friends & family.

Fast forward 10 years and DH still isn’t ready to tell people, and has just admitted he doesn’t want a wedding and isn’t comfortable telling anyone we are married.. ever. He’s happy to go along as we have been in a “pretend defacto relationship”.

Holding this secret in upsets me, especially that none of my close family know. When they ask about whether we will get married, I have to lie, I feel so ashamed and guilty about it.

Am I wrong to feel rejected and betrayed? Where do we go from here? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Stop being a passenger in your own life.

Stop being a doormat.
Why are you begging this man for permission you don't need.

Don't get into this discussion again. Tell everyone now. Just start texting, calling, sending carrier pigeons.

I would let it slip too - whoops my bad. Let the gossip do its magic.

If he wasn’t free to marry, then your marriage wasn’t legal and you may not be able to stay in the UK, so do some investigating before you start telling people you’ve been married for years.

What is his reason for not wanting to tell anyone you are married, given it's been 10 years?

Thank you @3ways

I've been on mn maybe 18yrs and first time I've been corrected by the grammar police @penjil 😂😂😂

So, you married him for a visa?

I suspect that he saw it as just that - you were in a relationship, he’d agree to get married so you could stay, but he didn’t see the relationship as long term, and likely doesn’t actually believe in marriage.

Except ten years on you’re still together, and now you’re wanting to force the issue.

If it wasn’t for the fact you would have to leave the UK, if the relationship had happened in other circumstances, he was never going to marry you. You would have been on here saying that you’d been with DP for ten years and he refused to discuss marriage.

How is your relationship generally? Other than this bit?

Do you have children? Or is that something else he’s not ready to discuss/doesn’t want?**

Tell him you aren’t going to lie to anyone anymore and if they ask about the ypu getting married then you are going to be honest.

his behaviour is very bizarre!