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Original poster

The new girlfriend getting involved

26 replies

sunshinedaffs · 24/03/2024 19:53

I left my narcissistic emotionally abusive husband about 8 months ago. We have 2 children together so still in contact. At the start I felt great, empowered and positive about life.

At Christmas I had a wobble, he had the kids, I was alone I felt like I'd made a mistake. I actually begged him to take me back, he took great pleasure in telling me he didn't want me and that he'd moved on and met someone amazing. I'm so relieved he turned me down and I didn't go back there, that would have been a huge mistake and I'd of spent more miserable years with him until I had the courage to leave again.

However since that moment he's ramped up his emotional abuse and now the new girlfriend is involved. Warning me off her man, she's rescued him from the emotional wreck I left him, she won't allow me to set him back on his recovery from the abuse I subjected him too.

He only sees the kids every other weekend, picks them up 11am Saturday and drops them off 11am Sunday. He pays a token amount of maintenance, £500 a month less than what he should pay. Whenever I asked for stuff, he can't afford it despite being a high earner.

I'm starting to fight back, I've threatened using the Maintenance service if he doesn't pay. She then gets involved saying he gives them everything they need so stop being greedy.

I know it's all textbook narcissistic deadbeat dad stuff. I can imagine the stuff he tells her. I can rationalise it and talk myself down but it's exhausting. I'm so tired of it.

If you've been here, how do you cope?

OP posts:
PizzaPastaWine · 24/03/2024 20:02

Block her.

Messages to ex about contact only.

Contact CMS.

HesterPrincess · 24/03/2024 20:09

Don't engage with either. They're doing it purely to wind you up and they're succeeding.

Go through CMS, block her and set up a shared calendar for him and you so any contact is minimal.

Hatty65 · 24/03/2024 20:12

Agree with block her. Set up an email address or get a cheap phone and tell him that you will only engage with him on that, and to do with contact arrangements for DC.

Contact CMS anyway. Don't rely on him paying what he thinks he can.

exerciseshmexercise · 24/03/2024 20:13

Block her.

Messages to ex only about kids.

Go to CMS.

Viewfrommyhouse · 24/03/2024 20:15

exerciseshmexercise · 24/03/2024 20:13

Block her.

Messages to ex only about kids.

Go to CMS.

This.

ThatDamnedDog · 24/03/2024 20:16

Don’t worry about your wobble, it was perfectly understandable as you were alone at Christmas for the first time.

Set up a new email and use this just for your ex, only contact him with any children issues/arrangements and block him from all other forms of communications. Only ever answer questions about your children and ignore anything else that he sends, if he starts to get abusive (or if his girlfriend does) save these messages but don’t bother responding. You may need them for child arrangement hearings or similar. Having only one method of contact will shift the power back to you as you can decide when to read/answer or when to ignore until you feel stronger.

Set up a CMS claim tonight, don’t bother telling him as he will use it as a stick to beat you. He shouldn’t need to be forced into providing for his children, but he will be cross because you are taking this power play away from him.

Good luck, you’ve got this 🌻

Mummame2222 · 24/03/2024 20:22

However since that moment he's ramped up his emotional abuse and now the new girlfriend is involved. Warning me off her man, she's rescued him from the emotional wreck I left him, she won't allow me to set him back on his recovery from the abuse I subjected him too.

😂😂😂😂😂 fucking idiot. I would ignore her completely and send one word answers to ex when absolutely necessary. Go to CMS, don’t discuss it and don’t tell him - there’s no need to. There’s nothing to discuss. He has kids on set times and days and if he messes them around he stops seeing them. He pays through CMS. Formalise your relationship. He can only abuse you now if you let him, you left him for a reason so don’t let him.

Youdontevengohere · 24/03/2024 20:24

Absolutely block her from every channel she’s contacting you on. Get the CMS involved. Only contact him regarding the children. You’ve got this.

EcstaticMarmalade · 24/03/2024 20:27

No personal contact, official channels only. I believe there are specialist apps where you can communicate to co-parent that record everything.

Original poster
sunshinedaffs · 24/03/2024 20:58

I like the idea of an email, i hadn't thought of that, I can set one up so it's separate to my usual one. I don't like the idea of him not being able to call me when he has them but a cheap phone with separate number would work well so I can have it when they're with him, then it can be switched off the rest of the time and just use the email.

I did block the ex on Facebook, so she used someone else's and then she found me on Instagram and then somehow got my number. She also lives very close by so I see her a lot out and about so it just feels like there's no escape.

I actually feel quite sorry for her, she's already sucked in to it, and I know what's to come for her.

I think the hardest part at the minute is the regret/guilt I feel for picking the wrong person. It's awful being torn between regretting having children with him but obviously not regretting having my children. It's so conflicting.

OP posts:
soupfiend · 24/03/2024 21:01

Dont communicate with him about anything other than contact arrangements. Seek maintenance the formal way. Dont liaise with her, she is nothing to do with you and vice versa

Zanatdy · 24/03/2024 21:06

Agree with blocking her and straight to CMS. Respond to him re kids only, don’t engage in any non child related conversations

Farmwifefarmlife · 25/03/2024 12:33

I agree with everyone else.
set up a separate email for contact get a cheap phone for when the kids are with him. block her
go to CMS

when you see her just smile and think poor girl. Honestly you have this! You are so much stronger than you think.

Yoe · 27/03/2024 01:03

Boundaries … boundaries and more boundaries
communicate only with your ex
get a proper maintainence review no more him controlling this
block the gf online and don’t speak with her at all
best of luck and be bloody fierce don’t let them intimidate you this ends now

Deathbyfluffy · 27/03/2024 01:16

Going ‘email only’ is a silly idea - what if there’s an emergency when he has the kids?
Block her on every channel though!

Summerhillsquare · 27/03/2024 01:29

Strictly speaking if she is using all these different channels to contact you and you've told her you're not interested it's harassment.

Duckingella · 27/03/2024 01:49

Go to CMS;he should be paying what he owes;you have to foot the bill for your children 339 days of the year compared to the 26 days a year he can be bothered to play Disney dad.

Let the girlfriend enjoy the crock of BS he feeds her;block her across all channels then continue to do so if she uses someone else's number;if she continues to harass you consider contacting the police.

Grey rock the ex.

At some point you'll meet someone amazing too but unlike the ex's girlfriend (who's with a turd dipped in glitter) whoever you date will get the genuine version of the person they're dating.

Ihadenough22 · 27/03/2024 02:17

1st thing I would do is contact CMS. I think they can take the money your entitled for your children to directly from his wages and pay it into your bank account.
He thinks he is being smart not paying you what he should. Meanwhile I am sure that they are going places and spending the money you need for your children.

I can imagine why you asked him to get back with you at Christmas because it can be a hard time to be alone and most women will try to keep a marriage together if kids are involved.
He then tells you about his new girlfriend and once he tells her this she is telling you to leave her man ect. You have blocked her but she has still contacted you and been abusive.

I would continue to block her. If she rings about your children or the money he is paying for them tell her you will only talk to him about money & his children. If she continues to text or contact you you could tell the police.

Is she living with him yet? I remember seeing if your divorced and your ex husband moves in with someone else that you can apply to have your CMS money reviewed. Your ex husband and new girlfriend have to provide bank statements. Because he is living with her his rent, bills ect is lower than living alone and therefore he has more spare cash to give you.
You might not be able to do this yet but be ready if they move in together to do this. It could not happen to a nicer couple.

They won't be happy getting the CMS letter so be prepared for her or him to say something.
Remain civil and if they send any nasty texts contact the police.

Ihadenough22 · 27/03/2024 02:17

1st thing I would do is contact CMS. I think they can take the money your entitled for your children to directly from his wages and pay it into your bank account.
He thinks he is being smart not paying you what he should. Meanwhile I am sure that they are going places and spending the money you need for your children.

I can imagine why you asked him to get back with you at Christmas because it can be a hard time to be alone and most women will try to keep a marriage together if kids are involved.
He then tells you about his new girlfriend and once he tells her this she is telling you to leave her man ect. You have blocked her but she has still contacted you and been abusive.

I would continue to block her. If she rings about your children or the money he is paying for them tell her you will only talk to him about money & his children. If she continues to text or contact you you could tell the police.

Is she living with him yet? I remember seeing if your divorced and your ex husband moves in with someone else that you can apply to have your CMS money reviewed. Your ex husband and new girlfriend have to provide bank statements. Because he is living with her his rent, bills ect is lower than living alone and therefore he has more spare cash to give you.
You might not be able to do this yet but be ready if they move in together to do this. It could not happen to a nicer couple.

They won't be happy getting the CMS letter so be prepared for her or him to say something.
Remain civil and if they send any nasty texts contact the police.

Happyinarcon · 27/03/2024 02:47

i would worry that asking for more money would mean he would insist on more child contact. Believe it or not you’re in a pretty good position right now. He has minimal contact, he has a new woman to take up his attention and he thinks he’s ’winning’ so you’re not receiving threats of violence or ridiculous lawyers letters. After also dating a narcissist, I would say you’re doing fine and the drama going on right now is a useful contained distraction that stops him causing real trouble.

Autienotnaughtie · 27/03/2024 03:34

When I split with my abusive ex it was hard. They have a hold on you, plus all the damage to your esteem makes it hard to believe in yourself.

You had a lucky escape! Don't care what she thinks, he's either fed her complete lies or she's batshit. (Possibly both) I'd have one form of communication with him stick to discussing kids. Don't get personal. Do screen shot any shitty messages from him. I'd consider reducing your sm and upping your privacy so she can't see/contact you.

I remember how smug exh second wife was as though she had won a prize. Unfortunately she learnt the hard way.

You have nothing to prove to him or her. And definitely go cms

Yoe · 29/03/2024 12:46

Duckingella · 27/03/2024 01:49

Go to CMS;he should be paying what he owes;you have to foot the bill for your children 339 days of the year compared to the 26 days a year he can be bothered to play Disney dad.

Let the girlfriend enjoy the crock of BS he feeds her;block her across all channels then continue to do so if she uses someone else's number;if she continues to harass you consider contacting the police.

Grey rock the ex.

At some point you'll meet someone amazing too but unlike the ex's girlfriend (who's with a turd dipped in glitter) whoever you date will get the genuine version of the person they're dating.

Omg I love that a ….turd dipped in glitter … I’m waiting to use that

Bubblesdevire · 29/03/2024 12:55

Good advice here to block her and disengage with him beyond necessary contact about the kids

And get the maintenance sorted and mandated formally then it’s not up for discussion

Re the kids- they aren’t him. They are their own people and you can love them completely without it meaning you are in any way accepting the awful human he is.

My DH has an awful dad. And his mum isn’t much better tbh. But DH is the most wonderful human because he is his own person. I don’t like him or love him any less because his parents are Arseholes. In fact it makes him more impressive that he is who he is despite them somehow.

Yes you have to be able to rise above the desire to want to never talk to or see him again simply because part of your job as mum is to help them in their relationships until they are old enough to manage themselves without you. But in time you can disengage entirely from him (joy!) and you might actually find the kids do to when they are older and they start to recognise his behaviour for what is it as well.

and the absolutely best form of power for you is to create a wonderful life for yourself. Focus on what brings you joy and the noise from him and the gf will get quieter and quieter in your head.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 29/03/2024 15:02

Ignore and block them both unless your DCs are will him and you need to be contactable , go through the CMS for maintenance.

Lol at her telling you to ‘keep away from her man’, that’s cringe worthy.

DadJoke · 29/03/2024 15:32

Make sure you'll get more from CMS then you are currently getting. Cut off coms with the gf. In not too much longer, she might start to sympathise with you!