There Has Got To Be More To Life Than This?

[IHateMyHusband]

My Dh and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7. We have a 6 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old.

When we had our first child my DHs life did not change that much. We used to socialise a lot and he continued to do this. Going to the pub on his way home from work, coming home when our DS was in bed. When we had our DD he gradually became more involved in family life but for the most part begrudgingly.

My DH is self-employed and a bit of a drinker and now that we have our DS2/DC3 things have reached breaking point. He just does not enter into family life with any enthusiasm, for example, if we go to the park together when he has had enough we have to go home even if the kids are still having fun so for the most part I take the kids on my own.

When he comes home from work he doesn't help with the kids bath/bedtime routine. He gets himself a srink and sits on his computer/watches the telly oblivious to anything that needs doing.

I am beyond sick of him. We do not have any ohysical contact and I am not remotely interested in having any with him, I have no respect for him anymore as I have tried to talking to him/telling him what I need him to do and nothing ever changes.

I cannot stay unhappily married anymore. How can I leave him? Seriously, what do I have to do? I am a SAHM and have no income. In an ideal world I would like to be housed and get benefits to tide me over until DS2 is at school and I would then look to get a job. I know it is not ideal and I would not want to be on benfits forever but I in the short term it is what I would need to do.

Has anyone been through this? What did you do? How long did it take to sort out?

Reading it back, it does not sound that bad but living day in day out with someone who is negative and has to be forced to participate in the family they have created is beyond exasperating.

it sounds like he is more of a lodger than a husband/co parent within your house

am sorry that it has come to this for you, especially when you kids are so young, you would think he would WANT to take part when he is at home

haven't been through it and don't really know what to advice just didn't want to read and run

someone decent with practical help will be along sure am soon

It is a bit like that.

He is very negativea bout everything. He does not like my cooking (even though quite good cook!), thinks the house is a shithole (even though clean), moans about the kids (even though all 3 are gorgeous lovely kids), moans about bloody everything. Nothing is good enough for him. I feel very lucky to have 3 kids, live in a normal (nice) house, have food and not worry too much about money. He moans about what we don't have.

It is very wearing. He does make personal coments about everything from how I look, what we eat, jsut everything and a long time my thick skin has absorbed it all but I have just had enough of taking things on the chin and think he is jsut a miserable sod who can piss off and wallow in his own misery.

Gosh, there's a lot to unravel here. Presumably you loved eachother once? Where did things start to go wrong? Were all the children planned? It reads as if you've kind of drifted into having 3 kids and are now waking up to the fact that your life seems dull and tedious and unfulfilling. The thing that really strikes me is that if you feel like this, it's pretty certain your DH does too. It doesnt sound as if he's happy and engaged with life either. You are two fed up people living a parallel existence rather than relating to eachother.
Can you set aside some time to try to initiate discussion. it isnt going to be easy, because if you just start blaming eachother and hurling insults, you wont get anywhere. You need to get through to him that you arent happy, and be prepared to hear what he isnt happy with either. Sometimes with couples who have traditional roles (ie DH out at work and mum SAHM) the relationship becomes very polarised, and you can end up seeing all the problems with your own life, and not being sympathetic to eachother. Yes, being a SAHM is hard work, but so is being the sole provider for the family. Maybe he's sick of going to work day in day out and is feeling as resentful of you as you are of him.
TBH, upping and leaving is not an easy option. You have 3 kids who deserve at least for you and your DH to try to resolve things before splitting. if a split is inevitable, then the reality will be less money all round (after all you'll be running two homes) and you may need to get a job.
In your situation, I think I would look at all the things you can change BEFORE separating. It may mean you looking for a job, or interests outside the home, as you are clearly unfulfilled and fed up. That might have the added bonus of kicking your DH into touch and getting him to take more childcare responsibility. At the moment he clearly feels that he's the provider, and your role is the carer. But you need to sit down and TALK first and foremost

Having read your next post, it sounds as if he's quite depressed, if he's so miserable and can't see the good in anything. Living with someone who is depressed is really tough. I think you need to try to develop some friendships/interests/work outside the home (at the same time as tackling the home issues). That way, at least you're not focusing solely on your DH to provide the interest and fun in your life.

do you ever get to have any time together as a couple? a meal or drink or even a walk at the weekend?

A lot of what you have written is right about how my DH feels (I think).

We were very much in love. Things basically went wrong when we had our DS1. He was planned (as were the other 2) but DH is not a natural parent/father and he seems to resent the children and the impact they have had on our lives.

I am actually very fulfilled as a SAHM. I am a Governor at a school, I befriend for a charity, I do loads of stuff with the kids and I love what I do. The only thing I am fed up with is DH.

as important as it is for you to find time for the kids, and it sounds like you're a wonderful mother to very lucky children, I think its maybe time to try to find time for you and dh as well

just something small like a trip to cinema or meal with friends to start off with?

I think I have reached the point where that is what I have done, I do have my own life and interests and I can't be bothered anymore with the deadwood. If I am going to be a single parent I may as well actually be a single parent if you see what I mean.

what about his time with the kids, does he not do any activities with them at all? could you not suggest that on a sat morning he maybe takes the 6yr old and the 3yr old swimming or to the park or look after the 1yr old whilst you take the others out

is maybe looking after the 3 of them all at once and start him off small?

He used to take the eldest out on his own when we just had him, he has taken the 2 older ones out a couple of times on his own. He has looked after the 3 of them twice and that was a disaster because he refuses to try and soothe the baby as he says it does not natter what he does he still cries so now I can't leave the baby with him as he will leave him to cry and I couldn't let that happen. So if I need to gi anywhere (even for a blooming smear test) I go with full entourage.

It took me ages to take that decision and at the end dealing with the aftermath of it was much easier than dealing with all my worries preceeding the separation.

Unfortunately with going solo, you can't have your cake and eat it, you would have to make some adjustments in order to survive as a single parent. In my case that involved leaving behind working part time (I used to work 15 hours now I do 30), forget about those hobbies and interests I could pursue in my free time (what free time?), forget about the expensive holidays /socialising and many other things, but so far... it's worth it.

As I said it was more difficult to take the decision than to adapt my lifestyle to suit our new needs.

Well I don't have any expensive hobbies or go on expensive holidays but having come from a songle parent home I know there will be lots of adjustments and cutbacks to be made.

Trouble is, the more you react against him not doing things your way, the more he's going to opt out and just not do them. You sound very happy with your role as a mum, but the danger of feeling that there's a 'right' way of doing things is that you can end up alienating your partner. So what if the baby is left to cry a bit longer than when you are looking after him? It wont be the end of the world. And one things for sure, a baby who is looked after and taken out by its dad sometimes, even if left to cry a bit, and not dealt with in exactly the same way as mum does, will grow up far more emotionally adjusted than a baby who never gets to spend time with dad. If you are seriously dragging 3 kids along when you have a smear test rather than leaving at least a couple of them with their dad, then there's a serious imbalance here - either you are being too controlling, or he isnt taking his responsibilities, or maybe it's a waste of time trying to pin the blame anywhere. The fact is, this is the situation you're in. You need to talk to your DH and tell him how you feel, and LISTEN to how he feels. Maybe he feels useless- that you're the capable parent and he's just there to pay the bills.
MeMySonandI has sound advice. Going solo will mean adjusting and probably compromising some of the things that you enjoy now- eg you say you like being a SAHM, but how are you going to manage that if you set up on your own and have to pay the bills?

The only thing I would recommend is to find about your options, check for any eventuality (like how much you will need a month to cover the services, mortgage, feed and dress the children, etc. or how much you would get in mainteinace payments and if you qualify for certain discounts and benefits) and then, when you have already reviewed your options take the step to leave him.

It may seem a bit cold blooded but... if you decide to leave, leave him at the time that is more convenient and easier for you and particularly the children.

Of course it does not matter if the baby is left to cry a little longer. I think trying to lay the blame with anyone is not very helpful. I am not controlling but it is hard to explain every scenario over the net. I have tried to encourage him and not ever say you should do this or that or point out things he has done 'wrong' (there is no right or wrong really anyway) but fundamentally we have drifted apart and I do resent him for being a useless sod to be honest.

The last sentence you have written was basically what I asked in my first post. How can I set up on my own and pay the bills? what would I be entitled to? How do I go about this? I don't want to be a state burden forever more but surely I would be entitled to certain benefits and maintainance? In an ideal world I would like to be a SAHM until my DS2 goes to school and get a job then. Of course this might not work out and then I would have to look at other solutions.

You can expect 15% of your ex salary for your first child and slightly less for each subsequent child. You may get mainteinance as an ex wife but it is, I was told, very difficult to get.

I have no idea about benefits because I don't get any.

With the baby crying thing, when we did not have DS2, I went out and he was looking after the 2 children. When I came back he was in bed and my DD (she would have been about 2.5) was downstairs crying at the window waiting for me. More recently, I jsut went to the local shop and DS2 was crying so he shut him in the dining room and jsut ignored him for the duration. Basically he cannot cope with being a father and I actually don't think it is fair on our kids at the end of the day. It is very complicated, as these things are, there is a lot of 'history' there but I cannot change him and he is making no effort to change himself. My eldest is nearly 7 and it won't be too long before he is mroe aware of everything (what his Dad is like, how his Mum and Dad feel about each other) and I don't want to subject them to that.

Thanks for that info

Do you live in your own home? I am wondering about renting v council waiting lists etc?

For what it is worth, I don't aspire to any of this, I don't WANT a council house but needs must and if it enables me to stay at home for a few more years then I have no shame in accepting that as I have worked my gonads off before children and once the youngest was in school fulltime I would do it again.

Thanks for the info, comments and questions, it is good to consider things from different angles.

Am off to bed now as got busy day tomorrow, good night

He left his little girl crying for you and went back to bed? Sorry, this is not a 'disagreement of parenting', this is neglect.

If you leave him, leave him on your terms ... and TRY to get a job because finding housing while on housing benefit is nigh impossible, and you can whistle to the wind for council.

I think you need to have one more talk with your DH and tell him that you think things are so bad that you would be better off separating from him. He may well go 'Whoopee' and rush off to pack, but he will not, legaly, be entitled to walk away from his children and though it may be a long hard battle to get him to pay regularly, the CSA will cause him plenty of grief unless he is an absolute expert at disappearing. But it is worth asking him what he wants his life to be like aned listening to what he says as there may be some sort of workable compromise the two of you can reach.

I thought as much.

I jsut have a problem with work til the summer/September. DS1 is at school fulltime, DD is at nursery 5 afternoons only for 2.5 hours and I have DS2 who is 1. DD starts school fulltime in September so will have the first term of part time. So DS2 could go to nursery but no one to take DD to her pre-school sessions and I was a £16K earner pre-kids so would not earn enough to have 2 kids in fulltime childcare (would only have 1 child in childcare come September). Hope that makes sense!

Really am off to bed!

Thanks again

If you work for more than 16 hours you will get tax credits and some help to pay the nursery fees.

Regarding preschool's 2.5 hrs sessions... I suppose I'm one of many parents whose child had preschool at the nursery because I couldn't afford to stop working to deal with such short sessions. I have no problems about that, the pre-schooling provided by the nursery was of much better quality and had a more personalised attention than the one provided at school.

I think that it would be worth considering a visit to the CAB, perhaps they can provide more accurate advice for your particular circumstances.

Yes, I think the 2.5 hour sessions don't work for everyone, especially if you work. As, up until now, being a SAHP they were a good option for us as we could not justify the expense of prvate nursery and we are very happy with the provision.

And, yes, I will be making an appt with the CAB asap - thanks