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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opinions and advice please

30 replies

barmybird · 27/03/2008 21:38

Hi All

Can I ask your opnions please? I think maybe I am a little suspicious but not sure if its justified or not!

I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks. He's lovely, I mean really lovely when we are together I'm content. It feels like he really likes me, we get on, he smiles at me with his eyes (if you know what I mean), he gives the most amazing hugs and we laugh together constantly. My gut instinct when we are together is that he is genuine. I have been very clear and told him that if he wants casual sex then I'm not for him, I don't want a player I want a partner.

My uneasiness kicks in when we are apart. He rarely texts or phones, if I text he will usually answer almost immediately although sometimes it takes 24 hours or more (niggle 1). He also seems to be away for a couple of nights each week, as in off seeing the boys. I've been dumped on so often a little voice is warning me that he could be off seeing other women. He doesn't seem to want to plan ahead either, he aways says see you soon, its never a definite date. I find myself chasing him, asking if he wants to meet up on a specific day. It feels too soon to have the conversation around not seeing anyone else. I don't want to scare him off because I really like him but I don't want to be taken for a ride again. Perhaps I should just leave him to it and see if he does actually chase me for a date?

Any words of advice? apart from chill! I don't know whats wrong with me except I really like this man, I've let him in to an extent and I would hate to be proved wrong (yet again).

I should add that he is the first man I really feel comfortable with since my divorce 2 years ago!

OP posts:
peasoup · 27/03/2008 21:48

DEFINATELY leave him to it and see if he chases you for a date. If you keep chasing him you'll never know for sure if he does really like you and you could also risk scaring him off (men scare easy ). If you leave him to it you'll make yourself seem more attractive to him. He'll wonder if you're being pursued by other blokes and probably get more keen on you. It does pay to play it cool I'm afraid. Don't bother texting him; if he's into you he'll text you; if he isn't into you he won't and in that case "Good Riddance!" I don't mean be cold with him, I just mean don't chase him.

littlewoman · 27/03/2008 21:51

Be cool. It gives him space to miss you, but it also stops you from becoming too involved if you keep a bit of aloofness there. It is obviously important to you that you have got it right - so sit back and watch a bit, before throwing yourself in the deep end (so tempting, I know, because being 'in love' is a fantastic feeling). Control yourself, and you control the situation.

littlewoman · 27/03/2008 21:52

Agree with Peasoup, too, defo.

Original poster
barmybird · 27/03/2008 21:58

He knows I am child free this weekend so perhaps I should just leave him to it. I don't want to appear desperate! As you say if he doesn't contact me the he's not interested is he?

Is it normal though to not set future dates? is it all so casual now?

OP posts:
warthog · 27/03/2008 22:11

back off. not good to do all the chasing.

peasoup · 27/03/2008 22:18

Yes, do leave him to it. You don't want to appear desperate. I don't know if it's "normal" not to set future dates, but it's certainly common practice amongst blokes. It doesn't mean he's not keen. Don't let it panic you. Believe me, if you stop calling and texting him, he'll start calling and texting you far more often.
You won't make yourself any more attractive by calling and asking him out. But by being a little bit hard to get (i.e. let him do the calling) you will make yourself more attractive.
You know in your heart that you shouldn't appear desperate so don't succomb to the temptation to call and text him.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 27/03/2008 22:22

What the others said. No chasing. Let him come to you when he is ready.
And plan yourself a fully pampered child free weekend, you lucky cow

peasoup · 27/03/2008 22:24

Arrange lovely things to do for yourself so you're not sat around moping and thinking about him. Keep yourself busy; that will also make you seem more attractive

Original poster
barmybird · 27/03/2008 22:28

Ok all! the plan is that I am off shopping tomorrow with an old girl friend who I haven't seen in years! thats tomorrow sorted, pictures on Saturday not sure about Sunday yet. But most importantly I will leave my phone alone. Will let you know what/if anything happens.

Thanks all

OP posts:
peasoup · 28/03/2008 09:06

Good girl!! It does take a bit of willpower I know but if you're feeling the urge to call him and whine "why haven't you called?" DON'T DO IT!; just phone a friend and whinge about him or get on Mumsnet and post. Get out and about then when he does call you'll sound happy and busy.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 28/03/2008 09:11

good for you!
you will enjoy your 'you' time, I'm sure

greeneyedgirl · 28/03/2008 12:25

I agree with everyone else, let him come to you (read "He's just not that into you", it's very helpful and funny). If he wants to be with you, he will make the effort.

I have had a couple of short flings where I was doing the chasing and I got fed up, knowing in my heart that they just weren't that bothered (great lol!).

However, my eyes have been opened by my new dp (been dating him for nearly 3 months now), we speak on MSN every night and he always phones me afterwards for a quick chat (his choice, I have never had to ask him to). Every time we go out, it is he who immediately asks, when can I see you again? We used to text alot during the day, but that has dropped away, mainly because we just don't need it. He has made me feel very secure and encourages me to tell him if I am not happy about anything.

This has happened right from day 1 as we hit it off so well. However, I am aware that everyone is different and your man may just be a slow starter (cautious, for want of a better word), some men find it hard to be very open about how much they like someone, however, if he doesn't get any more attentive, that will speak volumes.

If he doesn't call/text/email about your next date, don't give him a second thought, there are plenty more where he came from!

Original poster
barmybird · 28/03/2008 17:53

Hi All

Contrary to my last message I did text him first thing this morning just to say Hi and have a good day. I have left the phone alone since honest! just got in from my shopping trip and not a word from him...... its soooo frustrating.

Won't text again, I'm getting the distinct feeling that hes just not that bothered

OP posts:
getmeouttahere · 28/03/2008 18:04
peasoup · 28/03/2008 18:22

Aggghhh! Don't text! It only leaves you feeling forlorn if you don't get one back. And it tells him that you're thinking about him, so he therefore doesn't actaully need to make much effort to impress you. If you're not texting then he's not sure he's go your interest or not so he feels he has to work for it. Make him work for it!! Believe me, it's fun getting chased but it's depressing doing the chasing. Leave that phone alone.

scanner · 28/03/2008 18:27

My dh was like this, he was keen but men just don't do things the same way we do. Once he hadn't called for a while and I was wondering if he ever was going to and he rang while I was on the bus. I said I was on the bus and would get off in a couple of minutes, so he said he'd call back. Nothing for another few days.

When I ask him why he says he'd borrowed someones mobile and was busy!

Obviously it all worked out - still together after 10 years.

Original poster
barmybird · 28/03/2008 18:46

Am not texting- honest! off to find something to keep me busy.

OP posts:
greeneyedgirl · 29/03/2008 08:14

That's pants. I get annoyed when anyone doesn't answer a text, let alone a man!! Personally I would leave it for him to contact you, and in the mean time, there is nothing wrong with keeping your options open. In my experience, a solution to whatever problem you have usually comes along when least expected (in your case a gorgeous, ATTENTIVE man).

Honestly, read "He's just not that into you", it really gives you an insight to games men play ,here's a taster. I think if he was interested, he would be doing far more chasing to be honest. But that just means you haven't found the right one yet...need to kiss alot of frogs and all that!!

Good luck, keep the will power going !

OverMyDeadBody · 29/03/2008 08:27

Leave your phone alone! No more texting. A few weeks isn't very long for a man, don't scare him off too soon!

FWIW I act kind of how you ecribed him when I start new relationships, I don't text much, sometimes leave it a while before replying to texts, and don't set future dates. The guy I'm seeing at the moment seems to be the same so it works quite well (but it's not a serious relationship so a different matter) but it doesn't mean that I don't like him, just that I have no intention of rushing into things or having him take over my life.

Be patient. Chances are, if he enjoys your company when you're together, then he'll get in contact sooner or later.

Have a good weekend, not worrying or thinking about him!

Original poster
barmybird · 29/03/2008 17:25

Hi All.

Just to let you know he has contacted me! and we have arranged a date tomorrow. I have been brave and said I feel like I am chasing him and would rather he said now if he didn't want to see me again. He sounded suitably embarrassed and was definite that he does want to see me again. He has since texted me again! without any prompting from me.

Now I'm totally confused, been reading the link to he's just not into you, and I'm not sure whats going on!

OP posts:
Janni · 29/03/2008 17:40

As an old married woman I think this all sounds rather lovely, especially your description of how he is when you're together. It sounds as though it's a good idea to lay your cards on the table with him, say you want to know where you stand. Perhaps he has no idea you are hanging about waiting for him to contact you.
If you have children it's perfectly reasonable to want to plan ahead and to ask when you'll see him again.

He sounds lovely and i hope it works out for you.

Janni · 29/03/2008 17:40

As an old married woman I think this all sounds rather lovely, especially your description of how he is when you're together. It sounds as though it's a good idea to lay your cards on the table with him, say you want to know where you stand. Perhaps he has no idea you are hanging about waiting for him to contact you.
If you have children it's perfectly reasonable to want to plan ahead and to ask when you'll see him again.

He sounds lovely and i hope it works out for you.

squigglywig · 29/03/2008 17:47

Sounds like he was just being a man then and not realising being so inattentive might cause you to fret. Good on you for being open with him. Really hope things work out.

Original poster
barmybird · 29/03/2008 17:56

You think so??? oh good cos he bloody gorgeous!!!! about time I met a nice man

OP posts:
Janni · 29/03/2008 18:03

We want pictures !!!