No sex marriage

[chuggachug]

In the back of yet another thread (which has now been deleted) about the resulting fall out of one partner no longer engaging in sex, I wonder, within marriages where one person has decided this and the other person reluctantly/begrudgingly (I'm struggling to find the exact word) continuing to live in the marriage, how is it going?

Did it change more than just sex? I can't imagine the relationship would be exactly the same just minus sex. I feel like having this new set up decided for you would make you have to shut down other things to cope. Affection etc.

Are there people who can share what their marriage is now like or how it evolved once they vetoed sex and insects rule on a disappointed partner

I live in a sexless marriage now. It has been like this for coming up to 5 years.

We live nicely and get on fine but we have drifted apart emotionally since the decision was made (by him although to be fair to him I didn’t put up a fight or disagree)

There is little intimacy as he doesn’t seem to need hugs etc so I generally have to ask when I need/want one which is fine by him and he will fully partake. He just doesn’t need them himself.

Sex was always a bit hit and miss and was never the main part of our relationship. As I am in peri menopause now, it doesn’t bother me to be honest and I find joy in lots of other non sexual ways. My hobbies have increased and my network of people I socialise with has increase which brings me lots of happiness.

it probably wasn’t what I wanted in my life and I still love him lots as he is a very nice, generous and kind man who is a good dad and completely does his fair share, if not more than me. On paper he is absolutely perfect bar the sex issue.

He even said I can seek this elsewhere if it is still important to me which I haven’t done and disagreed with. However, there are odd occasions when I have thought about it and then shut those thoughts down and taken them nowhere.

This was my last marriage. My DH decided very early on that he didn’t want sex. It was horrible. I’m not a nymphomaniac but I needed and wanted physical and emotional intimacy. Without the physical, the emotional quickly starts to disappear.
i slept with other men for a few years and eventually met someone whom I loved and we got divorced. It’s inevitable I think unless it’s a completely mutual decision to have a sexless life. You can’t force celibacy on someone.

Interesting that the first three comments are women whose men weren't ones who stopped wanting or having sex.

It's been 5 years. How do you think this will evolve when the reality of never ever having sex again^^ becomes more deeply entrenched.

Why are you still together? How old are you? Will you choose to continue this way for good?

If I were 30 I would leave but at 50, I have just come to accept it.

I’m nearly 47 … that’s no excuse to resign to never having sex again if you want to. It’s not clearly clear why the sex has stopped? Have you got kids? Do you have desire for him? Or do you feel you’ve both ran out of steam? No sex would be deal breaker with my Dp unless it was for medical reasons not because I love the physical side but because I love the after sex intimacy, the bonding and feeling of love.

Has this happened to you OP?
Or are you doing research?

Only in my own head for my own curiosity magazine!

It was never that prolific in the first place. I’m not sure why. Life/kids/low libido that as he has got older (He is 59) has completely gone and he isn’t bothered at all now. To be honest mine has gone too with Peri and I don’t see him that way anymore. I find joy in different ways now.

@JA74

It was never that prolific in the first place. I’m not sure why. Life/kids/low libido that as he has got older (He is 59) has completely gone and he isn’t bothered at all now. To be honest mine has gone too with Peri and I don’t see him that way anymore. I find joy in different ways now.

Sounds great. You are both with partners with similar physical needs. There is no wrong or right. My question is for people where one really wants it and the other has said no more. Never again. How do those unions pan out over the decades? Does the relationship as a whole get affected.

Hi

I stay because our youngest is 9. I'm now 51. He's 53. He's a good dad. The no sex is 100% him. I tried about 7 years ago amd broached the subject and got rejected and shut down. Thought he would come round so was patient but absolutely nothing. I wondered if he was having sex elsewhere. We ve argued about it since. We have separate bedrooms and no affection whatsoever. I'm very resentful. I was 44. It's really rubbish. I don't expect to be shagging like teenagers but everyso often.

I would leave but kids... and we don't argue just live separate lives. I feel as if I will be too old to start again when my youngest is up and an launched into adulthood.

Sex and intimacy is over for me. Hard to accept.

If I was younger, kids were older. I would have left.

He won't give me a reason. I've stopped asking now.

My relationship is wholly strained. I have no patience with him so find my self not caring that much about other things- spending time with him, talking to him. Don't even watch TV together, say goodnight or good morning.

It's just cold.

I'm a man, and I can confirm that sex drive in men declines drastically once you are well into your 30s and older. Yet, for some weird reason, this doesn't seem to be acknowledged anywhere in public discourse.

That sounds awful for you.

You deserve to be happy. It is not solely just about the children- you
matter too.

Sending gentle hugs.

@Yeawest not just the sex, but how can you live like that. It sounds miserable.

are you sure you want to settle for this? Few children would thank their parents for staying in an unhappy relationship for their sakes. My parents did it and I wish they hadn’t! Children are much more aware of the reality of their parents relationship, especially as they get older, and certainly it made feel sad and uncomfortable to realise they were in a relationship that didn’t bring out the best in either of them, and to be around the minor sniping between them day to day. I’ve discussed this with my siblings since we’ve been adults and we all feel the same - that we wished they’d separated and found happiness with someone else. I also think it gave me a crappy relationship model to follow!! Thankfully I’ve built something better though but I spent my 20s making the same mistakes over and over.

I know a couple like this and they continue to live together because they can’t afford to divorce. They lead entirely separate lives. I know their kids well - two early twenties boys and neither have had girlfriend (or boyfriend) even after going thru Uni and so do think their parents relationshio has had an effect on them in that way and they see the opposite sex as friends not lovers.

I don't understand why people say, oh I'm 50 now so what's the point!!

I got divorced at 49 and then remarried at 51, I'm having the time of my life.

Sex comes and goes, but shouldn't be given up on, the love and intimacy it's brings makes it a close relationship, rather then two people just existing.

I would feel so rejected if sex stopped.

People live to 80, 90 yrs old 50 is just over half way there.....

Please don't stay in a relationship for the sake of kids, it's almost never actually better for the kids if you are not happy!

We haven't had sex for well over 10 years. We are older parents and when kids were young - he started avoiding sex. Didn't come to bed at same time etc. He'd had back issues and found the having to perform for baby making difficult - I later found out he also had some ED issues which he didn't discuss.

I wanted to schedule sex to make sure it still happened - he was always very anti that and said point was spontaneity which I think is almost impossible with kids.

That argument was regular for a few years then I hit peri-m and stopped caring,

It's fine. Unlike others we are still intimate - hug and kiss a lot. And communicate better hence I now know about his ED. But I sometimes think if he'd been open earlier we'd be in a different place.

That’s not the case for every man.

My DH is in his 60s and didn’t get that memo. His sex drive hasn’t declined at all.

You're a man and you can confirm that YOURS has, which is fine. You can't speak for every single man though. My DH is 43 and his has actually increased in the past few years, and it wasn't low to start with.

And yes, I'd be saying the same if you were a woman popping up with a sweeping statement about "women" at a certain age all doing something or not doing something, because that's how it was for them.

I couldn't live in a sexless marriage. Tried to. Attempted "opening" the marriage. Had a few flings but while the sex was good I wanted the relationship stuff too. Ended up divorcing. Married someone else a while later and life has significantly improved.

I'm a man and according to internet definitions (less than once a month which is roughly what ours is), I'm in a sexless relationship.

It started off OK, maybe once a week, but then I'd guess largely due to hormonal imbalances (thyroid) it dropped off. I've said this elsewhere, she is only ever in the mood exactly two days before her period. A bad day, or I forget etc and the window is missed.

It hurts every day, and I can mirror the above posters who say you feel rejected and unloved... lying in bed is like hugging a log. When sex does happen there's never reciprocation. I haven't been kissed below the neck in three years. I think it would be different if I felt that when we actually had sex, that I was wanted. Once in a blue moon she initiates, but again, it's not 'for' me, it's all one-sided.