No sex marriage

[chuggachug]

In the back of yet another thread (which has now been deleted) about the resulting fall out of one partner no longer engaging in sex, I wonder, within marriages where one person has decided this and the other person reluctantly/begrudgingly (I'm struggling to find the exact word) continuing to live in the marriage, how is it going?

Did it change more than just sex? I can't imagine the relationship would be exactly the same just minus sex. I feel like having this new set up decided for you would make you have to shut down other things to cope. Affection etc.

Are there people who can share what their marriage is now like or how it evolved once they vetoed sex and insects rule on a disappointed partner

It sounds horrible I'm sorry to read this. Are you sure you can't leave and find someone to love you?

@shuggles

I'm a man, and I can confirm that sex drive in men declines drastically once you are well into your 30s and older. Yet, for some weird reason, this doesn't seem to be acknowledged anywhere in public discourse.

You are the spokesperson for all men???
My dh is early 60s. His sex drive is just as rampant as it was when we met late 20s. The only change is he is less 'desperate' if we don't have sex for a week. But he is just as keen and just as able as ever.

I would suggest a drop in libido in your late 30s might be cause for a checkup. That's VERY young.

When you say hug and kiss do you mean big passionate snoggy kisses whilst naked in bed or little pecks on your way out the door ?

I left from this. Finding “someone else to love you”‘isn’t that easy or a given. However it’s a lot better being in my own

@Yeawest your post is heart breaking. Please be open to ending this marriage, you sound so love starved it’s horrible. I tried to stay in a marriage like this and was seperated for 4 years living together for the sake of the kids as they were younger. I couldn’t take it after 4 years ( plus the years that were before the separation were pretty loveless). Every day in my loveless marriage felt like a month. It’s only when I started dating just for company and sex that I met my DP, fell madly in love and got a divorce! 4 years in with DP I get the love and affection I longed for so much. We have regular sex and we don’t live together full time yet. It’s not about the sex but more the emotional connection and the bonding. Don’t condemn yourself to an unhappy unfulfilling life. your children will think your relationship with your H is normal and it’s not. it’s not ok he just cut off all communication around intimacy like that. I am very sorry for your situation x

@shuggles

I'm a man, and I can confirm that sex drive in men declines drastically once you are well into your 30s and older. Yet, for some weird reason, this doesn't seem to be acknowledged anywhere in public discourse.*

No, that's your experience, not all men.* My partner is over 60 and no decline.

That's so sad, I think you should leave and find someone who loves you.

My now husbands ex wife was very much like that sexless marriage only initiated when she had used her vibrator and then he was allowed to have sex with her.

He carried the workload, the childcare load, the mental load etc

No love or intimacy

We have a great two-sided relationship now

I think it's actually quite common, but people feel obliged to stay due to having young kids. We're all told the importance of a stable family unit for the children, and how two parent families are better for them long term, so untlimately it becomes a hugely selfish concept to uproot their lives as well as your own "just for sex". This is when extramarital affairs start to happen, and really there never is an excuse to go down that route, but as I get older I can completely see why that does happen so frequently. Alot of friends say they will leave once the kids are older, which happens in alot of cases, but in others I think by that point, the familiarity and comfortable lifestyle of having a two income household, leads many to stay together, even if this means a lifetime of unfulfillment and unhappiness in regards to intimacy. It's sad, and if life was more affordable, I think alot more couples would call it a day when issues around sex become unresolvable. I cannot afford to live by myself and support my children, I don't want to give my children up half of the week, I don't want the lifestyle they are used to to become one of poverty and hardship. We get on enough to make us appear "happy" to everyone else, and we are actually a good team, no arguments, no abuse. So I stay. And I try and focus on the positives, and put my all into giving the kids a good childhood, and not trying to think too much about how this is breaking my own self esteem. It's hard, and I often cry when alone, but I don't have any other option.

My DH and I were in a sexless relationship. I was his first partner, so at first I thought he was just shy and awkward, but then he started actively avoiding sex. He would say he wanted it, but something always happened to prevent it. I was worried that he wasn't attracted to me, even that I repulsed him, but that didn't match up with the rest of his behaviour - he was warm and thoughtful in every other way, and he was happy to initiate non-sexual intimacy, like cuddles.

Eventually, after a couple of long conversations that had us both in tears, he shared that he'd been sexually abused as a young teenager by a man who worked at his volunteer placement. He hadn't been actively hiding this from me so much as hiding it from himself. He'd been squashing it down in his own mind and never letting himself think about it, but he had a lot of anxieties relating to it. This is why he'd got to his late 20s without having sex. He dated a few women but he either backed out as soon as anything physical seemed likely, or the women lost interest because his behaviour suggested he was only looking for a friend.

Long story short, our marriage would probably still be classed as sexless (we have sex maybe once every two months) but it no longer feels sexless. He initiates it now and the times we do have sex are good, because he's getting to a point where he can experience it and enjoy the moment without the traumatic memories intruding. He can tell me honestly if he's not in the mood instead of feeling guilty and trying to engineer a situation where it can't happen. Even if he never reaches a point where he wants regular sex, I'm happy with the way we are now. There's honesty and trust and other forms of intimacy, and it was the feeling that he didn't want me that hurt, not the lack of sex per se. I think it helps that my own sex drive isn't the highest, so we're pretty well matched.

Umm - more likely in between big passionate snoggy kisses when fully clothed. although DH will never pass up an opportunity for a snog when I'm naked - in a towel from shower, getting changed etc. Less likely other way although he'll demand I acknowledge his Adonis like form - great shoulders and arse, slightly off putting beer gut!

I think all relationships and sex lives are different and change over time- it is important you are both happy with it. But I think it's bewildering how het up people get about relationships that are different from theirs.

That's interesting. That sounds very much like she wants sex when oestrogen and progesterone take a dip and testosterone gets a chance to be more prominent. Circulation will probably be better as well at that time. It doesn't work like that for all women though. I'm on testosterone and it made no difference at all to my active libido. Sex drive can be influenced by dopamine levels as well.

Thyroid issues can definitely dampen sex drive, but should those be sorted with medication?

Also - sorry to hear that you feel like this in your relationship :(

I'm in this situation. We haven't had sex for 10 years since be conceived our youngest basically. I've tried to talk to him about it but he can't explain why he doesn't want it. He will claim that he does but his actions say otherwise. There is also absolutely no affection. No hugs. No kisses. No interest in me as a person. No conversations where he wants to know about my day.

I'm nearly 50 and it feels very lonely and miserable, but like a previous poster I stay because of finances and the kids. I do often fantasise about leaving and I think I probably will when the kids have left home because it's all the other stuff. It's the lack of feeling like I'm in any kind of actual relationship.

I have said to him lots of times that it feels like we are flatmates sharing parenting but he either doesn't care or doesn't get it. He definitely isn't the person that I married anymore and I find that very hard.

Pretty much same here. We are generally amicable. I'm good at pretending and we both work long hours. And often not together anyway.

I won't sacrifice time with my kids or make them sacrifice the life style they are used to because I wanted more sex and intimacy.

I have older kids as well and they are studying, GCSEs, A levels, uni on the horizon making important choices etc I owe it to them to at least launch them into adult hood and one house is cheaper than two. Supporting them and I don't mean spoiling them with frivolous things, comes first.

I 'll suck it up..I just couldn't do that for a possibility of 'romance ' at my age. Normally have to meet a few frogs before you get lucky. I 'm not doing that. I'd walk tomorrow if it was just me but it's not.

No he doesn't have ED. Or didn't when we still shared a bed. (Last year). One night he refused to hold my hand walking back from friends houses. I called it a day after that.

I think what that poster says is important, when he said mens sex drives decline too. Definitely not all though!
But it's important to acknowledge that it does happen, I even started a thread about it once. It's not all men being rampant all their lives and women going off it like we are lead to believe.
Because then when women find themselves in sexless marriages they will then feel something is wrong with them, rather than the truth which is men frequently stop being interested in anything sexual. Just read this thread and others

My dh is in his mid 50s and I am 10 years younger and he is still up for it. We both enjoy being intimate and I would everyday, usually it is about at least 6 times a week. I couldn't live without the intimacy.

I do totally understand posters staying due to DC or financial reasons. Was a big consideration for me but was lucky I was working part time when kids were little, in a popular industry. Once divorce was in process, I got a full time job doing the same job but bigger scale. Was a huge gamble and at first it was tough starting a new job but paid off though! I’m less comfortable than before financially, I’m a lot happier! It’s never just one thing to consider and different things have a different importance to us all.

i have put on weight, am depressed knowing this will not change and am resentful. but i love my husband and value the companionship. the
weight makes me feel better - i grew up with the impression that all a woman needs to do is indicate willing - my self esteem has taken a battering.

10 years plus here celibacy that is not voluntary.

i now can not imagine having sex with him bit i could someone else. not that i would.

my husband and I barely ever have sex. usually when we do it’s very unsatisfying for me. He has ED and refuses to see a doctor about it. to be honest, I think he would rather masturbate to porn then put in the effort required for sex. If I sound bitter, I am a bit, but other times I really couldn’t care less. I had a lovely figure, lots of boyfriends , lots of sex in my younger life. now I’m in my 50s and overweight, wrinkly, saggy and really don’t feel attractive or sexy at all. posters saying ‘oh that’s no way to live, never having sex again….’ honestly the thought of getting naked with somebody new makes me feel slightly ill. I don’t think I could do it. My husband and I get along ok in every other way so I don’t really see the problem. Marriage is defined by the people involved not by outsiders. having said that, I am much less judgemental towards affairs and open relationships than I used to be. i’m far too chicken to do something like that, but if my husband told me that he had had sex with someone else, I would probably respond with ‘Meh’

I'm not a spokesman for all men, but I am talking in terms of averages and observations. Whenever people who are 30+ talk about sexlessness in marriages, from what I have seen, it's mostly men who have made the decision to reduce the frequency of sex (and indeed, that's what we observed in this thread). And of course, there was the article on the Guardian from just a year ago which detailed Robbie Williams' preference for eating tangerines than having sex with his wife. 20-something me would never have understood that, but 30-something me does.

The issue is that sex requires far too much work and is very exhausting for minimal payoff. I could look at one these apps like 'Tinder', spend weeks talking to someone, meet them in public and go on dates with them, establish a relationship, and then have sex. That's a massive volume of work for something that's on the low end of my priority list. That time could be spend pursuing more worthwhile endeavours, like working, eating, hobbies, videogames/TV, reading, relaxing... or indeed, eating a tangerine.

I don't think a drop in libido in my 30s warrants any kind of medical intervention, as it's a normal part of getting older. It might need a checkup if it created issues, but it doesn't.

My dh decided no sex 12 years ago it broke me my self confidence just went. He refused to talk about it. He refuses to let me go. He won't talk about separation. We have 3 dc im at a loss to know what to do. Financially I'm not in a good position. I've had 2 affairs in the last 5 years. I'm having one now which has been going on over a year. It is what it is I just take my happiness where I can.Dh has never given me a reason why.

The effort dating/ finding a new partner takes puts me off.
Im older, heavier, though I don't look my age apparently small mercies....

I think being on my own would be preferable rather than having my rejection in my face every day.

I dont want a new partner and all that brings. I expected our relationship to change and frequency significantly reduce... He's older, heavier I don't fancy him like I did when we were younger and I didn't expect too. I loved him. I always thought marriage was a journey and expected changes but not years of celibacy from my mid 40s... infrequent was fine. Still happened from time to time.

I couldn't be bothered with an affair or tinder. I got married . That meant something. I'm pissed that marriage and me and our relationship meant so little.

I'm just his flatmate/ co parent these days.

I get very petty at times and imagine making him feel as crap as he makes me feel and imagine announcing my enforced celibacy over Sunday dinner with his family.... I wouldn't but I know he'd be really pissed off with me. He likes the pretence of happy famillies.

I feel pretty much the same. Miserable , bitter... I dont want or expect some tantric karma sutra just some intimacy and some desire.... a few times a year would do. We have kids, jobs, we re older I get that. I'm 7years in. I'll never experience that part of life again think.

I resent him making this decision In our 40s.

I totally get this. No judgement here. If I was presented with the opportunity for an affair, I’d probably go ahead with zero remorse. 99% chance this will never happen, I’m not attractive or fit and cannot imagine anyone being attracted to me. My husband certainly isn’t.

I also used to think I wasn't attractive but I'm sure you are. My situation isn't ideal but I really have tried with dh.

I think there are also women andsome men who like me have stayed but because of previous 'shitty behaviour or disloyalty by their H/partner never quite feel the same on a sexual/romantic basis- they still do care but something kind of was snuffed out and mentally there is a kind of protective mechanism that kicks in- especially if you are 45 and older.