AIBU friend hasn’t asked about marriage problems

[Bythesea1982]

A friend of mine who I’ve been friends with for 25 years knows that I’m having problems in my marriage, that things are really not very good between my husband and Ive thought that maybe the marriage is over. She also knows that she in one of two friends that I’ve confided in since other friends are friends of both mine and my husbands. And yet the last two times I’ve spoken to her she hadn’t asked at all how things are with my husband. She’s asked about other things (eg work) but not that and given that she knows how difficult and upsetting this has been I just find it very upsetting that she wouldn’t ask. I’d like to raise it with her, not from an attack but more from a ‘this is a really significant thing in my life, and given that we’re old friends I thought you might have asked’ perspective. Thoughts on whether I’m overreacting or should speak to my friend about how I feel?

I think she is probably trying to take care not to put you under pressure to talk if you are not up to it and is waiting for you to say something again. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. She is likely trying to be sensitive but not realising that you are waiting for her to ask.

I think perhaps she's allowing you to take the lead with any conversations about your marriage.

It sounds like she is giving you space to bring it up of you want but not making be something you have to talk about if you didn't want to.

If you have spoken to friends already then you are assuming they have told her. Maybe they haven’t - if a friend told me I wouldn’t necessarily think it was my place to share with others. If you want to talk to her, talk to her, waiting for her to ask is setting her up to fail.

If you want to talk about it, you need to initiate it. This is pure projection but it really annoys me when people expect me to stick to their script without actually telling you what is in it.

@Digestive28 I have told this friend myself already, not waiting for others to tell her. I have only confided in her and one other friend who don’t know each other.

Why aren't you talking about your marriage? Why aren't you bringing it up? I've no idea why you'd place the responsibility on her.

I wouldn't press a friend to reveal such intimate information, I'd trust she'd tell me when she was ready.

Wow - you’re seriously projecting here!

Im supporting a few friends with ongoing issues, relationships and medical.
i NEVER ask specifically, I always let them lead with what they want to talk about.
Just talk to her about it, don’t cause issues between you and friend.

I disagree with the PP. She is the same kind of person who wouldn't be there for you emotionally after a bereavement. She doesn't know how to offer that support or what to say so she says nothing at all. No point in raising it.

Christ, you don’t ASK, you wait for the person to bring it up.

Marriage problems are very personal. If a friend didn’t raise it, I wouldn’t stir the pot or probe. Being on hand to listen as needed is being a good friend.

I think your friend sounds sensitive and considerate.

For me in this situation I would take the lead from you - I would find the idea of going straight in with how are your marriage issues intrusive and would worry it sounded like I wanted to be nosey and I would assume that you are still figuring it out and would tell me when you wanted too

It’s really up to you to bring it up if you want to talk about it, then presumably she’ll join in on the topic. She may be worried about bringing up a touchy and emotional conversation, or worried she sounds like she’s just being nosey but if you initiate it she’ll proceed.

Edited to add - I’m not sure how long your issues have been going on, but if long-term maybe she’s bored of hearing about it. I’ve had friends been in shitty relationships long-term and whilst I know it’s not always as simple as “leave”, when there’s no moving forward with plans to either leave or try to improve things and just a lot of moaning for years upon years it gets exhausting. Not sure if this is your situation but just an idea of what could be wrong.

If I was your friend, I wouldn't bring it up. I would listen when you did, but I wouldn't start the conversation. Is she receptive when you do bring it up? Is it the main topic for you, or do you still talk about other things too? I'd be led by you to start the conversation

It could be thst she is waiting for u to initiate the conversation or , that she just doesn't want to go there, (perhaps she has too much on in her own life). I have been through a lot of trauma, still am. I've lost one friend due to the second reason. Another will sometimes say, let's meet but not talk about our issues- suits me, whilst others just want to keep it light. It bugs me, so I can thoroughly understand how u feel OP. Initiate the conversation if u wish. Their reaction will tell u what u need to know.

I'm going through the same myself OP, & feel the same as you. For me, I wish she would just ask, even casually, "so, how is everything with X since?" In my situation, the issues have been going on a long time. I feel like she's bored with it all, & sick of hearing me moan. It's just very hurtful.

Sorry to say it but maybe she is bored of it? Friend's are great for confiding in but someone going on about their marital issues can be a real drain if it is a constant. Why not seek support elsewhere, therapy etc and revert your friendships back to a two way interaction where you are also interested in her? Life is short and maybe she's had enough of hearing it.

Again. You need to initiate it if you want to talk about it.

If someone is going through a difficult situation I let them know I'm here for them and let them bring the topic up when they are comfortable and ready.

It would feel like stirring the pot or being nosey if I kept bringing it up each time we met, especially marriage problems because they're so personal.

On any personal topic, I'd also hate to ruin a lunch date a friend might have looked forward to as a distraction by bringing up the last topic they might want to talk about. If they brought the conversation up though I'd take their lead because that's what they needed at that time.

Nice

She's likely waiting for you to bring it up again because a) she doesn't agree that you should leave your marriage and doesn't want to say so, or b) she does but is wary of coming outright with it. Think about it: if she wades in agreeing with you that your DH is a shit and you should leave but you end up staying with him, it could make things awkward between you. If she says leave and you do, only for you to think you made a mistake, you might blame her for encouraging you. Saying nothing probably seems like a sensible approach to her right now.

It's interesting to hear everyone's perspectives. Those who wouldn't feel they should bring it up - how about an open question like " So, how's everything going with you guys since?" Just to show you are open to being there for your friend if she wants to chat, to give her an opening?

Ah now, that's a bit much. I presume the OP isn't wanting or expecting her friend to state a verdict on what she should do.... She just wants her friend to listen, objectively.

gummychops
I'd ask how my friend is and then let them share as much or as little about the different parts of their life as they want to.

The fact you are 'very upset' at her not asking will be the reason she hasn't asked about it as she will be nervous of you being 'very upset' for being nosy.

Your friend can't read your mind and you are being unkind and unfair to be 'very upset' about this.

Is it a bit much really? OP may not be expecting a verdict but the friend might already feel stuck in the middle – if she's a good friend of 25 years, it's almost certain she knows the husband too. I would be very wary of sticking myself in the middle of someone's relationship breakdown.

I'm just saying it's one option why the friend hasn't raised it.