AIBU friend hasn’t asked about marriage problems

[Bythesea1982]

A friend of mine who I’ve been friends with for 25 years knows that I’m having problems in my marriage, that things are really not very good between my husband and Ive thought that maybe the marriage is over. She also knows that she in one of two friends that I’ve confided in since other friends are friends of both mine and my husbands. And yet the last two times I’ve spoken to her she hadn’t asked at all how things are with my husband. She’s asked about other things (eg work) but not that and given that she knows how difficult and upsetting this has been I just find it very upsetting that she wouldn’t ask. I’d like to raise it with her, not from an attack but more from a ‘this is a really significant thing in my life, and given that we’re old friends I thought you might have asked’ perspective. Thoughts on whether I’m overreacting or should speak to my friend about how I feel?

I your friend thinks like me, I wouldn't ask as I considered it a very private matter, If you start the conversation I would gladly listen and give you my opinion/advice, but unless it is a very extreme situation I would never ask about your marital ongoings.

It is not the first time people have a rant, vent, disclose some sensitive stuff, receive an advice and opinion and they do just the opposite.

In the other hand if a friend of mine call me out because I don't ask her about her very privates affairs I would tell her very politely to back off.

If you really appreciate her advice and opinion or even if you only want an ear to talk to, you need to tell her first. As I said, some people consider that stuff very private.

Other people's marriages / relationships are very personal to them. In your friend's position, I think I'd be reticent about asking questions. If you want to talk about this to your friend, rather than raising it in a confrontational or accusatory way, maybe just say 'Would you mind if I spoke to you about my marriage?' and see how she responds to that.

A counsellor sounds better for you

I would NEVER ask, about marriage difficulties or other personal things. I’d happily listen and be a shoulder to cry on about things you bring up - but it’s for you to communicate what you do and don’t want to talk about.

She just wants her friend to listen, objectively.

Sounds to me as if the OP also wants their friend to know what OP wants to talk about, as well. I'm with the many PPs who say they wouldn't ask directly because, well , who does that?

It’s one of 2 things.

1. your problems have gone on a long time and/or tend to dominate once you start talking about it and nothing really changes and it doesn’t seem to be helping you, just going round in circles. So she tries not bring it up.
2. She isn’t sure wether she should ask and bring it up in case you don’t want to talk about it and is letting you take the lead.

If you think it’s the first then you might need reflect on yourself and really think about wether that’s fair or not.

If it’s the second you need to broach the subject of your marriage. Any annoyance you have that she doesn’t open it up, is only thinking of your friendship from your own point of view. Only thinking about what you want, what makes you comfortable and forgetting it’s a 2 way relationship. She isn’t you and while she may not handle things exactly how you would, it doesn’t make it wrong.

Maybe she just doesn't want to hear about it and even thinks that you're the one in the wrong, not your husband but doesn't want to tell you for dear is losing the friendship.

She knows you're having problems but let's face it, she can't actually help or change things for you so it's very tedious having to listen to someone regurgitating the same old things about their problems when they meet, so she's avoiding the subject so you can have a nice time when you meet up.

I think a bereavement is a different type of topic to marital problems when it comes to supporting a friend. Another couple's relationship can feel private, sensitive and complex - rightly or wrongly, you might not want to come across as nosey, prurient or intrusive when deciding whether to initiate conversation about it.

I have a friend who has confided in me but I ALWAYS wait for her to bring it up. It's incredibly personal and it's up to her if she wants to share, not for me to probe.
If she says 'oh I'm so mad X did this' then I can ask but I really let her take the lead on it.

Some things are very intimate and personal. My best friend (for decades) has very occasionally said critical things about her DH but mostly we don't discuss him beyond basic details about his life, and she doesn't ask about my relationship either. Some time ago I told her I am not as sure about it as I used to be and she hasn't asked since. I'm not offended by that but if I wanted to, I would raise it with her. (Things are better now so my feelings have changed anyway).

I would hesitate to raise this kind of issue with my best friend or other close friends unless they raised it first. When you are long time partnered, it can feel like intrusion. Long gone are the days when we bitched about our boyfriends.

I wouid not confront her, just start talking about it if you want to.