I'm sure I'm BU but upset re new partner online stuff

[Senseonhorizons]

Newish partner, he 50's, me late 40's. It has been pretty intense, after loads of mundane, boring OLD dates with no connection, finally found a strong connection. We are both clear on our connection to each other, and have said we have no idea if will be a lasting relationship or not but to treat each other with kindness, honesty and respect. I felt I trusted him, rare for me, and that he was different after my last LTR with an emotionally abusive cheater. I have no doubts I'm bringing trauma from that to this.
But... he mentioned the name of a female yesterday in a professional context, and something kicked off my spidey senses, I said 'oh why, do you like her?' to which he said no, nothing like that. Left it there
Last night I doom scrolled and have seen all over her social media, both professional and personal that he has been putting 'heart' likes on her selfies and bikini shots. She is similar age, pretty and vivacious. I presume he was trying to signal to her that he likes her. She has not liked anything of his. I felt really upset by this, but knew it was unreasonable. I started looking at more of who he connected with and liked, and lots of pretty women in same age bracket in selfies and sea swimming etc so with not much on. It just didn't align with what I thought he was.
I'm struggling with difficult feelings around this
Any thoughts?
Would appreciate no harsh comments as feeling vulnerable

Is it someone he actually knows or is he "enjoying himself" looking at models and celebs online?

They are local people, I haven't asked if he knows them yet, if not I would say he is trying to

It's just I didn't see him as that type of man, there are lots of posts about their shared professional area which are not liked, but just the selfie/glam shots of her that are hearted,
I suspect I am being unreasonable, it just kind of offputting and I feel like slamming my barriers up, I have found him refreshingly different, but perhaps I was totally wrong

Coming out of an abusive relationship leaves a lot of scars, it's hard sometimes to feel secure in a relationship as well as feel like you know if what you are feeling is just trauma or justified some additional questions. :-

1. how long have you been together ?
2. have boundaries been put in place eg are you mutually exclusive, have you discussed what is deemed acceptable behaviour vs too flirty or cheating - is this yet to be done or perhaps discussed in this level of detail 3)sounds daft but does he tend to love things a lot on Facebook? Men and women's?

if he is being honest and with just you and open to a serous conversation around where the line is drawn for both of you relationship
wise then Do try to remember he has chosen to be with you so try to trust that and trust that you are indeed a catch and gorgeous and he fancies YOU

but you have to make sure you are both mutually happy and in agreement of what you both believe is the correct
twst to behave. With other whilst in the relationship

I'd leave now then

Bar anything else it just sounds really immature.

Go with your spidey senses.

He doesn't sound like a keeper I'm afraid, not if you don't like his online behaviour after such a short time.

I can't imagine any man over 25 liking glam shots of a woman he doesn't know.
It's quite immature and icky.

Exactly. But my 24 yr old wouldn’t like or comment on glam shots either, he knows better, it’s not necessarily an age thing.

It's.....cringey and immature. When I was dating years back I got into the habit of checking a dates socials. If it was majority bikini women it was a no from me.

So what exactly is 'newish' in this context and when have these likes and hearts been done? Before or after you met? If it's before then I think you are jumping the gun a bit by seeing it as a 'now' problem. People are allowed to like thinks when they are single and don't think they'll ever meet someone without being judged for it. If it is going on after you've got together then yes, you need to address it but the fact they have completely ignored him tells you this isn't an issue for them.

This.

Sleaze-bag. Ditch him.

That would be an absolute turn off for me. Ugh.

It is from before we met which was only a few weeks ago, but we have seen a lot of each other.
I cannot see what he likes etc as we are not linked on facebook, my real profile is deactivated due to my job, I have a one in a different name that I only use for following group events, hobby groups etc of interest. It was only when he mentioned her and I got spidey senses I looked at her profile which is very open and saw his hearts. His profile is very open so I looked at some of the women he is following, and could see some hearts. Guess I need to look at a few other he is following too and see if for everyone and not just the prettier women!
I thought about telling him today, that was my plan, but I also thought maybe just watch and if he has stopped then thats ok
Its not necessarily glam bikini shots, it is people sea swimming but they are posing in bikinis etc, he also hearts some other shots ie in a glam evening dress

Haven't slept much because of it which I know is ridiculous. I'm annoyed at myself

You are NOT ready to be in a relationship.

You've only known him a few weeks and you're getting this upset about him liking photos of other women online from before he even met you.

He's not your partner. At most he's your boyfriend. You thought about telling him what? That you've been stalking his Facebook to find out who and what he's been liking?

Slow down. Take a breath. You barely know each other, you don't get to control what he does online.

@Craftyy noted, thanks

Sorry but if this is from before you met then I think you are being unreasonable and not even giving him a chance. We'd all be single for the rest of our lives if we were this insecure about things that aren't even happening in the current relationship.

Oh you cant be mad at something he was doing before he met you.
a few weeks is not a lot of time, if you flip the situation say you had a face book account he could see and you had hearted some guys post prior to Even Meeting the guy and he confronts you - what would you think?

I know that it where it's coming from op and you have been through a lot. Which is making you abnormally reactive .

how long did you have between relationships?

do you have friends or did your past relationship kill off friendships ?

I have been there so I get it , it's so much easier from the outside looking in

Yep I'm happy to be told I'm unreasonable. It's more that doing that kind of thing didn't really align with how he presents as a person. I'm used to alpha males, whereas he is gentle, spiritual, hugely emotionally intelligent, I don't know if that makes sense. But its a sore point from my DA relationship. I'm just trying to sit with it and not do anything.

I'm not mad, just kind of triggered, hurt and upset.... probably a fair bit of that at myself for allowing my guard down and someone to get close to me in such a short space of time
Been out of DA relationship for 6 years, currently in counselling for it as he continues to abuse me through the Court system regarding our children

If the likes are predating your dating, then maybe proceed with caution and keep an eye on it (not what I’d usually suggest but I feel you’d need the reassurance from that) - and listen to your gut.

I think I know how you’re feeling. Disappointed that he’s not different to many other men.

I know in your position I’d likely put up barriers knowing this now because I wouldn’t want to be too vulnerable. Self preservation thing.

Has it occurred to you that spending hours delving into his past to see who he puts harmless emojis to before he even met you might not align with who he thought you were?

I can see why you’re upset, OP: you thought he was a certain kind of person, but you’ve discovered something about him that suggests otherwise, and that’s a disappointment — and a lot to process. You maybe even feel you’ve been lied to, as though the person he presents himself as isn’t who he really is.
The thing is, it’s still VERY early days. That’s what this stage of a relationship is for — learning about each other and deciding if you’re compatible. Do you trust yourself (and him) enough to have an honest conversation about it? I don’t mean confronting him as such — he’s done nothing objectively wrong — but letting him know (gently) how it makes you feel. How he responds will tell you a lot.

It is very early days and you can slow things down or ditch him for no reason at all.