I'm sure I'm BU but upset re new partner online stuff

[Senseonhorizons]

Newish partner, he 50's, me late 40's. It has been pretty intense, after loads of mundane, boring OLD dates with no connection, finally found a strong connection. We are both clear on our connection to each other, and have said we have no idea if will be a lasting relationship or not but to treat each other with kindness, honesty and respect. I felt I trusted him, rare for me, and that he was different after my last LTR with an emotionally abusive cheater. I have no doubts I'm bringing trauma from that to this.
But... he mentioned the name of a female yesterday in a professional context, and something kicked off my spidey senses, I said 'oh why, do you like her?' to which he said no, nothing like that. Left it there
Last night I doom scrolled and have seen all over her social media, both professional and personal that he has been putting 'heart' likes on her selfies and bikini shots. She is similar age, pretty and vivacious. I presume he was trying to signal to her that he likes her. She has not liked anything of his. I felt really upset by this, but knew it was unreasonable. I started looking at more of who he connected with and liked, and lots of pretty women in same age bracket in selfies and sea swimming etc so with not much on. It just didn't align with what I thought he was.
I'm struggling with difficult feelings around this
Any thoughts?
Would appreciate no harsh comments as feeling vulnerable

I would be concerned that he got the ick after your "oh, do you like her" comment. That was ridiculously immature and possibly even passive ggressive.

As others have said, freaking out over his social media use from before you met him, a few weeks ago, is ridiculous. Having said that, if he's portraying himself as this super spiritual person and he's actually all.about hot chicks in bikinis I can see why that feels weird.

You do say though this is about a particular type of swimming. Is this a sport he's into? Because that would be a different spin.

If he's spiritual he might have been trying to connect with women who sea swim. Connection with natural water etc.

Or he could have just been wanting a physical session and if you are posting images in bikinis you know, or should do, men will look and the women might be doing it exactly to get a kick of "I'm still hot" and have no intention of meeting up with anyone just enjoying the "attention"

It's social media, it's a load of fucking fake bollocks, which is how I would approach a conversation if it naturally came up if you need an explanation, but really it's nonsense. Although you might find it more difficult to have this conversation as it seems you think it's more important than it should be.

So what, he was single, at home l, had a glass of wine or two and liked a couple of bikini photos perhaps hoping it might turn into a private message "hi Bob how we you doing not seen you in a while" because he was clearly looking for love or at least dating at that time hence he met you. Why not use all the tools the internet provides.

He might end up being a dick.
He might not.
Your relationship might be the best thing to happen to both of you
It might not

OP you can't, well you can, but you shouldn't be judging him by your dick of an ex's behaviour, that's not fair on him.

He liked a few pictures of females in swimwear before he met you. So what? Hardly a crime.

If I was with someone and they started to cross examine my SM use I would run like the clappers. It would indicate to be controlling behaviour, well it would indicate it could become controlling "who's that, how do you know them, they look fit do they train out, are they local" it wouldn't indicate "let's have a bit of fun and get to know each other" I would have no interest in getting to know them.

SM is contributing to people becoming more depressed. Because of shit like this.

If he's nice, you are having a fun time, it's early days I would just roll with it. And stop policing him.

Its not necessarily glam bikini shots, it is people sea swimming but they are posing in bikinis etc, he also hearts some other shots ie in a glam evening dress

Hang on. If this is Instagram, where a heart just means a like or approval, and these are hobby pictures of someone who sea swims, that's very different from a deliberate glamour shot on Facebook where a heart means more.

Can you clarify exactly what these photos are and what a heart means in this context?

@NotQuiteNorma makes such a good point. No one is perfect, we all have behaviours others could judge. I would try and have a really honest conversation with him, you've delved around and found a behaviour you don't like but unless you can openly express to him why you don't like it then I don't think it's at all ok to judge him on it.

That's exactly it. I went into flight mode as thought he was like abusive ex, which in reality I do not think for a moment he is. Ex used to do this, and then when we would be 'on a break' for apparently my unreasonable behaviour he'd be shagging them.

To respond to some others:
They are all sea swim type stuff which he is very much into.
He didn't ick when I asked if he liked her, he just kind of laughed and said no and cuddled me or something.

He knew something was up this morning as I was quiet. I have explained I have unreasonably be triggered by something to do with him, but it was just a reflection of my past. I said core of it was my lack of self worth and believing he wanted to be with someone else rather than me. He knows about abusive ex as sadly its ongoing. He just responded with compassion and kindness, recognising what the past has done to me, and asking what I needed from him to help. He also wrote some stuff about trauma responses, affects on body, and importance to talk to each other. He works in therapy arena. I've apologised to him as it upset him this morning, and tomorrow we see each other in person (I have my children today) and we will talk more. I have told him I feel a bit stupid and embarrassed, and I do. But there we are

I appreciate all the helpful responses on here. Thank you for your time

It is hearts rather than likes on facebook

Nicely OP, your behaviour may well be because of past abuse and if so I really do feel for you, but your update demonstrates even more clearly that you have massively over reacted here. He is into sea swimming. He regularly likes posts of people sea swimming.

He has now asked what he can do to make you feel better and you are going to "talk more". If I was his friend I would be telling him this is huge red flag behaviour. What must he do to reassure you? Stop taking part or engaging in this hobby because there are women in bikinis? Only talk to men at sea swimming from now on? How will he prove that? Perhaps you should check his phone and socials? Of course, if he is at sea swimming, he must always answer your calls and messages and tell you immediately who he is with....

You clearly have no intention of being controlling and abusive, but you are nonetheless very clearly on that path. Even these posts demonstrate an element of disordered thinking and manipulation - you were vague on timings in the beginning; You did not disclose that this is linked to a specific hobby and one he is passionate about. Your posts were designed to get everyone to agree with you by leaving out crucial bits of information. Which you most likely did not do on purpose .... rather your own thinking is a bit disordered so you didn't consider those points relevant.

Most often the heart emoji is used pretty innocently to indicate that you love something about the picture rather than the person. I'll give you an example. What if one of those women was someone he knows personally who has been through a lot of horrific personal trauma and is finally spending time on themselves having a nice holiday and trying to move on and live again. What's not to love about that? Still gross or ick? Of course not.

Be mindful there's also a fine line here that if the sexes were reversed and he was checking up your social media to see who you posted likes or hearts to before you met, people would be calling it out as weird, controlling, red flags all over it and telling you to run a mile.

@Senseonhorizons Have you had therapy to deal with your prior abusive relationship (and perhaps abuse going back historically too; there are typically life-long, ingrained patterns)?

If not, then I would suggest you do so. Don't do CBT, and you'd need far longer than the standard NHS therapy of several weeks/a few months.

As a former therapist, and someone with historical abuse in their family of birth and many subsequent relationships, there are a few things I have learned - many of them the hard way. Here are a couple, based on you OP:

• Fast, intense connections, coupled with a history of abuse, are the single biggest red flag that you have simply jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. Intensity is not good for people like us. We need to train ourselves out of thinking that anything else is 'boring', and re-learn what 'healthy' looks like. (Healthy may at first look boring to us - so that we push it away before we've even had to consider it, or our own patterning.)
• Making promises to treat each other with kindness, honesty, and respect is also a red flag. To people in healthy relationships, this doesn't even occur: because all of these are the norm. It is a well-known dating trope that when someone says that they aren't looking for game-players, they are the players and they love drama. If they extol honesty above all things, they are liars. If they say they are looking for kindness, they know what kindness is not.

Please leave him and take a good amount of time to start breaking the pattern that you are clearly in again.

there are lots of posts about their shared professional area which are not liked, but just the selfie/glam shots of her that are hearted

Euw! This wouldn't sit well with me either @Senseonhorizons. They have a shared profession, which he's showing no interest in (ie not interested in their brains) and only likes the ones of their bodies in bikinis (akin to underwear with what little they cover up) 🙄I know they are before you met, but this shows he's no better than a lot of more laddish blokes when you scratch beneath his more "respectful" and "spiritual" exterior. How disappointing.

Now I'm confused!
Yes I have historical childhood trauma also and am in very bloody expensive therapy for it, only just started it

Interesting and food for thought, thanks

It’s still early days with this man. I appreciate you’ve felt like it could become a good relationship, but…..

You don’t like men who ❤️Pics of women wearing very little. That is something he does. Even if you told him to stop and he did, he is still a man that does that if left to his choices.

He is not the man for you.

You may have to continue for quite some time. It is its own process. I was in for decades - but I was a tricky, overly compliant customer and there was a lot to unpick. You may possibly come up with many reasons why it's not working, your therapist is shit, it's too expensive, you can find something better elsewhere. If any of these raise their heads, take them into the therapy room. They are the hidden gold.

The faster you are at saying the most difficult things (I was not), the shorter the process, imo. And 'decades' is unusual btw, so please don't be put off by that!

Thank goodness I think the therapist is amazing so far, we have done some tapping stuff and was hugely helpful

I wouldn't want to be with a man who did this, even if it did pre date me. It's cringy and unattractive and not what I look for in a man. So it'd be a big fat no from me

He's at most a new boyfriend, not a partner at all.
That being said, he sounds sleazy and immature, and not respectful towards women.

I'd bin him off. It's only been a couple of weeks.

This!

Oh OP, as kindly as possible,this along with the "do you like her" comment sounds too intense and too much hard for a relationship that's only been going on a few weeks. If I were him it would put me off a little bit

It would give me the ick regardless of whether he’d done it before we met or not.

For a 50+ man to be trawling Instagram or whatever liking pics of scantily clad women is just not something I’d find a good character trait in someone - it smacks of sleaziness.

I'd pull the plug now, or at least take a step back. It's early days so you're better off not getting too invested because it'll just make it harder further down the line.

I can completely see where you're coming from. I'm early 30s and if a guy my age did that, I'd find it a bit cringey and childish. This guy you're with is in his 50s.

The bottom line is, if that's how he behaves then he's hardly going to stop overnight. There's no right or wrong here, but it's about what makes YOU uncomfortable.

Assert your boundaries and don't put yourself in a situation where you're going to feel insecure and put off by someone.

Thank you for this, it has come at a perfect time for me :)