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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you make your DH/P happy? Cos DH told me last night that I don't.

30 replies

Dashed · 27/03/2008 20:57

He is not a bad man. He is generally helpful and not nasty. But he is unenthsiastic about me and the children and everything to do with family life. I have to drive everything.

Last night he said he feels like he should feel happy and fulfilled by the kids and me, but he doesn't.

What he really wants is to have the good opinion of his colleagues and to suceed at work (he does, and is btw).

He didn't say it to be mean, he was being honest. I am so hurt though.

What would you do?

OP posts:

brimfull · 27/03/2008 21:00

well I think he sounds depressed tbh

quint · 27/03/2008 21:00

Tell him how you feel. So important to keep the lines of communication open. To be honest I know what he means, when I became a mum I thought that I should feel complete, I didn't, it hasn't made me any less of a good mum or person.

You need to have an open talk with him about how you both feel and how you can improve things for each other.

Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:05

I agree, he is depressed. But he says he isn't. He wont really talk to me - I every conversation, and he shuts it down.

I don't think that he should only have us btw, I am very happy for him to enjoy work, have his own friends, etc. But he seems to take no joy in his family.

I feel so devestated. Maybe I am just being naive though.

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taken4granted · 27/03/2008 21:14

Oh dashed - that how my exp was and now we've split up. Have you suggested some counselling for the both of you it may help him get his feelings out and yours? worth a try anyway. My exp said he was sick of us plodding along in an e mail 2 days later he moved out - I dont want to put a downer on things I really hope you can sort this out - at least he told you hes not happy thats a start Good Luck anyway

Scattybird · 27/03/2008 21:17

Apologies if this sounds like I am being wicked. I think that he will leave you if given the chance. Then he will say that he told you why earlier on in your relationship.

At least he is honest enough to admit it. Perhaps you should act on it.

Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:19

I have suggested councelling. He hasn't said no, but is not enthused. I am just so tired of dragging him along. It's exhausting and it really get me down, when normally I am reasonably cheerful.

I am trying to decide whether to keep trying - keep making suggestions, starting conversations etc, or just leave him alone. He is emotionally absent. I miss him

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Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:23

Scatty - sometimes I think that he would like to leave. He says he loves us though, just that we don't make him happy . I know he wouldn't leave, even if he wants to.

I keep thinking what an idiot I've been. I was really keen for us to get married (6 years ago now). Now I wonder if I pushed him into it. Ditto having the kids. Studid, foolish woman.

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wiggleit · 27/03/2008 21:23

Oh Dashed, it does sound a bit like he's trying to prepare you for him leaving you. God, hate myself for writing that but have to be honest. Hope i don't come across too evil! x

Divastrop · 27/03/2008 21:24

i think he is depressed and is looking for something outside of himself to blame.you and the dc cant make him happy,happiness has to come from within.

have you asked if he actually means he is unhappy in the relationship and wants out,or if he just thinks he should be happy but isnt and doesnt know why?

TimeForMe · 27/03/2008 21:24

Personally I would try leaving him alone, leave him the space to 'miss' you and to come to you, you take a step back and let im fill the gaps.

This is an awful situation to be in and i really feel for you.

TimeForMe · 27/03/2008 21:26

Why don't you try calling his bluff. Tell him you are not in this relationship to make him unhappy so, if he truly isn't happy with you then you are prepared to let him go. See what he has to say to that!

Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:28

I can see where you are coming from, but really, I'm not at all worried he is about to leave. It was in the context of me asking him why he is always so unenthusiastic that he admitted this - he didn't come out and say it in a 'praparing me' type way.

What scares me is the idea that this is as good as it gets. He is resisting all moves towards changing, wont let me help him, or even talk to him, wont talk to a mate, or even read a book. So I guess this is it, and it's not what I imagined married life would be.

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Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:29

Divastrop - we don't make him unhappy, but we just don't make him happy. He doesn't know why. Apparently.

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Dior · 27/03/2008 21:32

Message withdrawn

Spaceman · 27/03/2008 21:38

I think further probing is required before taking any action. He didn't blurt this out, it came out in a frank conversation so it's not like he's trying to instigate anything by it. 'You don't make me happy' could mean a lot of things (anything from you don't make me completely happy to you make me unhappy, as pointed out by Divastrop).

I think he's been a bit too honest and has ended up hurting you, but I don't think it sounds like he wants to leave. Men by nature are not as fulfilled by family life as women are; a big generalisation I know but they prioritise differently.

I wouldn't leave it alone because you're feeling down about it. Leave it a day and then rationally explain that you think you may have got the wrong end of the stick and could he just clarify what he meant by the comment and hint that you're looking for some reassurance. I bet he'll give it to you.

Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:41

We do things together - we are all together for most of the weekends. We don't do a lot just the two of us, as we don't have a lot of support/babysitters. But we get out now and again. When we are at home together, he is often either on the internet, or reading a book or some other solitary thing - generally does his own thing unless there is a clear request/pattern of him helping. Eg, he baths the kids every night. Once the kids are in bed, default position is that he disengages (internet, reading etc). He doesn't like to chat whilst doing other things, and seesa it as an interuption when I start to chat to him.

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Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:41

Thanks spaceman.

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littlewoman · 27/03/2008 21:45

It is not your job to make him happy; his happiness is entirely in his own hands and it might be more accessible to him if he was grateful for the things he has in his life. This was like my xh. Grass is always greener - but it's still covered in dog shit if you look close enough.

littlewoman · 27/03/2008 21:48

Rant (above) - sorry.

Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 21:50

I told him he is chasing rainbows. He has a good jb, good kids, nice place to live, some good friends - and could have more if he put himself out. We don't always see eye to eye, but generally get on ok, and although I'm not perfect, I'm not awful either. I think he knows that though, but wants something else.

I feel like if he tried, we could get past this and he could be much happier, but seems like he wont try. Which leads me to think 'I'm not worth it'.

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HonoriaGlossop · 27/03/2008 22:07

sod that, dashed!

HE sounds the one who's (to put it kindly) a bit of a bore and if anyone's not 'worth it' it would be him at the moment, surely? What happiness is he actively adding to your life? What does he bring to the deal right now?!

Don't think of it in terms of his family 'making' him happy or not, as others have said his happiness is purely in his own hands. I think for most people actually, life is a grind and there are odd 'flashes' of true happiness; as you say, he is chasing rainbows if he wants to go round feeling actively happy all his life!

I think he needs to be giving a bit more, then he might get that happiness himself

Original poster

Dashed · 27/03/2008 22:45

Thanks honoria, I just don't know what I can do to help the situation. What are my options? Ignore him and get on with my own life (which is not realy what I want), pester him and hope he'll change...but unlikely he will...any other options?

The fact is, I'm not worth the effort to him, and I want to be worth it to him, because I love him.

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MeMySonAndI · 27/03/2008 22:59

I really don't think he is trying to tell you he is going to leave you. However it may be good to take the comment as a warning that an improvement in the communication between the 2 of you is needed.

It may be the case that he is bored, depresed or looking for something extra in his life, everyone likes a good challenge and maybe he is feeling as if he has not one for a while (deduct that from what you said about colleague appreciation, etc.)

There is no way that a relationship on its own will make you happy, you have to have other things even if it is just to have something to talk about with the person you are with.

I do think it is important to have some time for your own, on your own. A well planned time, where you can talk to each other without worrying about the children or being to tired after finishing the shores.

At some point we used to have a weekly "date", Thursdays nights were sacred and no other event, need or invitation was allowed to take more importance than our time. This was the time we had to keep in touc with what the other one was doing, feeling, and planning and it worked wonders for our relationship.

I would also recommend reading "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps" by Allan & Barbara Pease.

Scattybird · 28/03/2008 21:24

What about telling him that you are NOT bloody happy with him coming home and telling you that the home you are creating for him is not easy or 'happy' all of the time.

Then tell him to get out because you want to think things over. For a week.

After that, you will either have given up on the week because you both love each other or he will stay where he was and you will have to think about separating. At least you know where you are then.xx

Scattybird · 28/03/2008 21:26

You are posting on here like a strong woman, do it for christs sake.

Don't be a pratt.

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