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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The hand grenade....

36 replies

yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:08

Long time lurker but new id for this one. Married nearly 20 years, together almost 30. Two teenage DC. Had a hideous few years with DH health issues and his subsequent work obsession.

Today he fires a hand grenade at me - he has been asked to resign from senior role in a co he has been in for 20+ years, because of a 'flirty, consensual' relationship with a woman junior to him and half his age. As my username says - yawn, another one. It was 2 years ago, while I was picking up the pieces after his cancer treatment and doing literally everything for our family.

So he has no job, chronic ill health, and I am not interested in forgiving and forgetting given what we have been through and how dismissive he has been of me for years.

More will come out no doubt, like if it was so harmless why is he out of a job? I have to find energy from somewhere to get through this but it is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am so bloody tired.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 22/03/2024 23:21

Sorry, OP. Cancer doesn’t give him a green card to get up to what he has been getting up to. If you’re feeling that you’re done with him, that’s understandable.

Original poster
yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:24

Thanks, I am sure he will try to use it as an excuse. He completely shut me out when he was having treatment and I accepted that he must have needed that to cope. But his mind was elsewhere.

OP posts:
Spopssas · 22/03/2024 23:26

LTB

TruthorDie · 22/03/2024 23:28

Time to get rid. Best to cut loose ASAP especially if he ends up not working for a time

TheSuggestedAmendment · 22/03/2024 23:29

do you know anyone you can get the full story from? You don’t want to have less info than his junior staff (who will be gossiping about it)

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 22/03/2024 23:30

Take your time to process it. Keep your powder dry. The anger will come. That will give you the energy to act. Meanwhile from one stranger to another, I am so sorry and you deserve better. 💐

southwing · 22/03/2024 23:30

It lasted 2 years and came to light now?
He doesn't deserve you - let him free for the OW to care for him....

Original poster
yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:32

Was two years ago and lasted a couple of months - nothing happened of course. I know it will all be sanitised. I dont know how I will find out truth, seems there was an investigation of some sort but my head is garbled - some day when I calm down I will make him tell me what happened

OP posts:
Original poster
yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:32

southwing · 22/03/2024 23:30

It lasted 2 years and came to light now?
He doesn't deserve you - let him free for the OW to care for him....

She can have him - he's quite the catch now

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 22/03/2024 23:36

Get rid of him now as the longer you leave it the harder (or more guilted) it will become.

I say this as a long term ill, unable to work, person going through a divorce. It is possible to do.

WishesPromised · 22/03/2024 23:38

Op, I'm so sorry. Please don't fall for his existential bullshit.

Original poster
yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:40

Sorry about your situation @Pixiedust1234 He was the main earner so there is a lot of financial upheaval to deal with. I feel fairly numb emotionally because deep down I expected this some day. Have a DS about to do GCSEs too

OP posts:
Original poster
yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:41

WishesPromised · 22/03/2024 23:38

Op, I'm so sorry. Please don't fall for his existential bullshit.

I'm going to use that phrase!

OP posts:
newfriend05 · 22/03/2024 23:41

If it was consensual why has he been asked to leave don't know if I believe that .. definitely more to the story

Original poster
yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:41

newfriend05 · 22/03/2024 23:41

If it was consensual why has he been asked to leave don't know if I believe that .. definitely more to the story

He says because he was senior to her. I agree, there is more to it than that.

OP posts:
newfriend05 · 22/03/2024 23:45

So sorry your going through this OP .. I'm sure your get the full story one way or the other ..

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/03/2024 23:52

So is he saying that it ended 22 months ago and he is only now getting sacked for it? I call bollocks on that. I'm so sorry for you going through this 💐

FictionalCharacter · 22/03/2024 23:57

Flirty and consensual eh?
A junior, half his age?
Chinny reckon.
I bet he was "asked to leave" because he's a sex pest and they wanted to get rid of him quietly.

Catoo · 23/03/2024 00:04

I’m sorry OP.
His story is BS as you know. Not sure I could be arsed finding out the truth TBH.

Take your time to get everything organised then divorce and LTB.

💐

theworldie · 23/03/2024 14:14

They all follow the exact same script don’t they? So now he’s in the minimise and deny stage. Next, when you find out the truth or push more it’ll suddenly be all your fault OP as you weren’t giving him enough sex/let yourself go/weren’t supporting him in his desire to go and get a tattoo and a sports car or whatever.

You sound like you have your head screwed on right OP. You know what you need to do.

They’re just so bloody predictable.

Newestname002 · 23/03/2024 16:07

yawnanotherone · 22/03/2024 23:40

Sorry about your situation @Pixiedust1234 He was the main earner so there is a lot of financial upheaval to deal with. I feel fairly numb emotionally because deep down I expected this some day. Have a DS about to do GCSEs too

Have you got a clear view on what your current financial situation is? Eg: equity in your home, his pension pot and yours, joint and individual savings and investments, cash in your accounts, debts, etc.

Focusing on the practical issues will help you get some control back and decide on your next strips, which should also include taking legal advice from a family law solicitor. Keep your research/thoughts to yourself until you ready to act.

You say he's been asked to resign? Will there likely be a payout if he goes "quietly"?

Also what's your employment situation - and are you able to improve it at all for a future without him? 🌹

Original poster
yawnanotherone · 23/03/2024 21:51

theworldie · 23/03/2024 14:14

They all follow the exact same script don’t they? So now he’s in the minimise and deny stage. Next, when you find out the truth or push more it’ll suddenly be all your fault OP as you weren’t giving him enough sex/let yourself go/weren’t supporting him in his desire to go and get a tattoo and a sports car or whatever.

You sound like you have your head screwed on right OP. You know what you need to do.

They’re just so bloody predictable.

Yep, how very dull of him. I am surrounded by wonderful female friends who have been through it too and are so much happier years later.

OP posts:
Original poster
yawnanotherone · 23/03/2024 21:52

Newestname002 · 23/03/2024 16:07

Have you got a clear view on what your current financial situation is? Eg: equity in your home, his pension pot and yours, joint and individual savings and investments, cash in your accounts, debts, etc.

Focusing on the practical issues will help you get some control back and decide on your next strips, which should also include taking legal advice from a family law solicitor. Keep your research/thoughts to yourself until you ready to act.

You say he's been asked to resign? Will there likely be a payout if he goes "quietly"?

Also what's your employment situation - and are you able to improve it at all for a future without him? 🌹

Show quote history

I am self employed so not always stable income. I also manage all the household finances so I know where everything is! I'll be fine eventually, just know its going to be a hard time getting there

OP posts:
Original poster
yawnanotherone · 14/04/2024 20:58

Just resurrecting this thread because I am going to explode with rage and this seems a safer place to do it! STBX is still in the house, still no job but is now deciding to clear his conscience and tell me about the other affairs at work, even from before we were married (so 20 years worth of cheating). I am absolutely broken but determined to get through it and come out the other side better.

But my god, if anyone can offer words of hope and strength please do.

And he still doesn't have a job.

OP posts:
minipie · 14/04/2024 21:05

Bloody hell yawnanotherone what an arsehole. And doubly so to have his catharsis by confessing all when you’d already decided to split anyway - so no benefit to you from knowing all, only to him.

I suppose at least it shows your instincts were right that it wasn’t worth forgiving the “one off” fling.

What do your kids know? Such shitty timing for your DS.

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