The hand grenade....

[yawnanotherone]

Long time lurker but new id for this one. Married nearly 20 years, together almost 30. Two teenage DC. Had a hideous few years with DH health issues and his subsequent work obsession.

Today he fires a hand grenade at me - he has been asked to resign from senior role in a co he has been in for 20+ years, because of a 'flirty, consensual' relationship with a woman junior to him and half his age. As my username says - yawn, another one. It was 2 years ago, while I was picking up the pieces after his cancer treatment and doing literally everything for our family.

So he has no job, chronic ill health, and I am not interested in forgiving and forgetting given what we have been through and how dismissive he has been of me for years.

More will come out no doubt, like if it was so harmless why is he out of a job? I have to find energy from somewhere to get through this but it is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am so bloody tired.

How far have you got in preparing your divorce. Little steps towards the goal post of your choosing. Good luck.

He just said he's going home to his mum for a week - that gives me space at last to start proceedings and get all the finance info together. I have contacted a lawyer for a consultation because the lack of job is confusing things, I thought I could work it out myself but I am too angry to do this alone

Kids don't know, my DS is attempting revision and not back to school for another week. He finishes mid June so will tell him then.

If anyone has advice on that.... I don't want to destroy them completely but neither can I take any responsibility for this happening. I can't sit there and say we have just grown apart fgs

Oh and the youngster he was carrying o with is getting her friends to keep checking my profile on Linkedin (the only one I can't make private). Honestly, playground stuff - I could explode

I'm speechless at the nerve of the man. You do seem to be finding your anger though, and that will help you find the energy to keep going. What a self obsessed shit!

My heart goes out to you. You have every right to be angry. You will find the strength to separate and create a peaceful future for yourself. You deserve so much more. You need to seek legal advice re separating/financial issues etc. In the interim, for your own sanity, you need to create a separate space (however small) for you to 'detach' from your husband. This is especially important if you are still sharing a sleeping space. I hope this helps you on your journey to peace.
Please believe that you WILL get through this and come out the other side.
You are carrying on loving your children. they know that, very important for your son doing his GCSEs soon. Be kind to yourself

God, what a creep. So if this young woman is talking like that to her friends, it doesn't sound as though she's made a complaint about him does it?

Just be careful with any joint accounts that he doesn't empty them in advance.

I think that should be the last conversation you have about what he's been up to.

Why does he think you want to hear all that shit?

Thanks for replying everyone. And a good point about it being the last conversation. Contact to an absolute minimum from now and completely business-like. I dont need to know any more

Fingers crossed he doesn’t come back from his mum’s.

Sounds like he’s been the office creep for a while. If you believe him that there were other affairs that is, and it isn’t all in his head. I would take it with a pinch of salt. Grey rock his BS from now on. Stuff like ‘ok’ ‘aha’ ‘sounds good’ ‘sure’ ‘interesting thanks’ etc. and maybe ‘oh are you discussing your affairs again? I’m not interested in knowing this thanks. Catch you later’

Regarding telling DC. Don’t lie and don’t give too much detail. If they ask if either of you have met someone else you can be truthful. ‘Your dad met someone at work but I’m not sure he is seeing them anymore. He might tell you if you ask him’

Sigh.
💐

He's a complete arsehole. Cold comfort in the face of how much he's hurt you and how horrible he's been, but you can be certain now he's not worth any consideration from you and you know for sure no matter what gaslightling he tries that this is completely down to him. and what a giant arsehole he is.

I don't know how you handle this with the kids. I told my DC the mum and dad don't like each other anymore type explanation, because your Dad's an abusive bully who I feel unsafe living with isn't appropriate to say to primary school kids. My eldest does know the real reasons because she lived it too. I have no idea how to explain things when they're older. In your circumstances I wouldn't want to white wash this either, but I can't think of anyway to tell them he's a cheater without just saying he's a cheater. I hope someone else can help with that. Im sorry you're going through this, it really smashes you when you realise the person you thought for so long was a good loving partner and then it turns out they're not even a half decent person.

God I am so sorry, no advice, but you have a right bastard there! x