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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel so much shame

40 replies

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 22:23

I've made the decision to leave my husband. He can be such a nasty nasty man. He can also be loving and fun and caring, but he can be such a bully. I haven't told him it's over as I'm trying to save some money so I'm still here.

He is not sex crazy or anything but he wants it once a week or so. And I just can't say no. I never feel physically unsafe but he just makes me feel so guilty if I say no. Its all funny, he's laughing "you're saying no but we know you don't mean it". I have really tried to say no but it results in him getting upset and difficult and I just give in somehow. And the shame I feel when I'm doing it. Making pretend noises. Saying his great it was after. It's all lies and I coudl cry

How can I find the strength to say no

OP posts:

Missymooo322133 · 22/03/2024 22:25

Honestly? Just say no! Let him sulk

bossybloss · 22/03/2024 22:27

You are in an awful situation, but you do know this is classed as rape don’t you? You need to try and leave as soon as you can… do you have a safe space to go to? X

Winnipeggy · 22/03/2024 22:27

Well done for making the decision to leave OP, it will be the best thing I promise. You will find someone who respects you. Do you have support at this stage?

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 22:27

This is coercive behaviour op.

Please contact women's aid and discuss it with them.

Even though he's nice sometimes it's still abusive.

Watchkeys · 22/03/2024 22:29

What would happen if you said no and stuck to it?

Blackcats7 · 22/03/2024 22:30

It’s soul destroying having sex if you don’t want to just to keep a man happy.
It’s also hard leaving a relationship but at least once thats done you won’t have to face unwanted mauling weekly.
If he can be a nasty bully I’m not surprised you don’t want sex with him.
Although it’s also fine if you just don’t want sex full stop.
You can make a happier life for yourself but you have to find the strength to step away. I hope you have some support nearby from a friend or family member and can lean on them when you need to.
I live on my own now and having my own space, just me and my cat in my bed ad making my own choices is a relief although I admit it was very hard initially.

Original poster

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 22:34

@Blackcats7 what do you mean it was hard initially?

I just wanted an evening watching telly, having a wine, and instead I've spent it having terrible sex, wishing beyond anything that i could just be left alone. I just want my kids, my friends, my home. I hate having sex with him. Its like I go to another place in my head

OP posts:

Blackcats7 · 22/03/2024 22:39

@EasterLegz I had never lived on my own so found it strange at first. But I soon got past that.
Totally get about going somewhere else in your head. I have done the same thing.

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 22:47

Its all funny, he's laughing "you're saying no but we know you don't mean it". I have really tried to say no but it results in him getting upset and difficult and I just give in somehow.

He's sexual coercive.

He's essentially a rapist.

The "humour" isn't hiding that like he thinks it is.

I find his behaviour disturbing.

And it's actually criminal.

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 22:49

I'd be making plans to leave, because while you live with him it sounds like he's always going to do this or even ramp it up to more outright, physically coercive rape if you stop going along with what he's doing to date.

Original poster

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 22:55

If I didn't have sex with him - he would sulk. And tell be how rejected he is. Tonight he joked I must be a lesbian when I initially said no.

But the reason i feel shame is because he isn't actually a threat in any way. The most he will do is go quiet for a day. And yet I can't find the backbone to stand up for what I want and put myself first.

OP posts:

5128gap · 22/03/2024 23:22

He is a threat OP. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally. He knows you don't want sex, yet is using various techniques to coerce you and this is causing you great distress. The reason you're not saying no isn't weakness, it's because the fear of his treatment of you if you do is greater than your disgust at the act. This is not your fault.
On a practical level, could you leave him any sooner? Or if not have a conversation where you say sex is off the cards? Invent a reason if you have to. Can you move to another room? I'd also strongly suggest you contact women's aid, because I think you need RL support. Living with coercive sex, and the level of misplaced shame you feel is not good for your mental health, and I think you need more than this thread to help you see there is no need.

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 23:32

Let him sulk!
He'll be just fine.
Noone ever died from not getting a shag when they wanted it ...which sounds like a lot of the time in his case.
He sounds like a sex pest.

If he's all that desperate for an orgasm he can go and have one himself, like billions of people do whether they are in relationship or not. Has he got hands, why doesn't he use one??

You're not a blow up sex doll for his use and convenience, you're a person. There are plenty of times both people won't fancy sex at the same time and that's absolutely normal and fine; it's not your entitlement to get it when you want it just because someone's in a relationship with you.

Would counselling help you figure out your difficulty with his tactics here?

You shouldn't feel shame - there are many reasons you could have such difficulty standing up to coercion and manipulation like this.

Ultimately though; entitled, sexist, coercive etc. men like don't tend to change.

Vive42 · 22/03/2024 23:34

What’s the longest you’ve ever been without sex? And how did it come about? Can you recreate those circumstances.

not sure how old you are but could you say you’re reaching early menopause and got stinging cystitis and it’s too painful.

Some women literally can’t have sex because they’ve got permanent UTI.

if you can’t be honest with the real reason, why don’t you lie to keep the peace?

Get dole sachets or prelief or whatever gut cystitis meds are called and say our agony.

just make it up.

lots of women in menopause can’t have sex it’s too dry and they tear. Like having sex with shards of glass.

And leave. Try to leave asap. It sounds horrible having guilt/bully sex.

He sounds horrible.

Original poster

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 23:35

@5128gap I earn quite a decent wage but have acquired credit card debt from paying for mortgage and all the kids stuff and everything and want to pay that off because I need to pay for solicitor maybe so I just want to get rid of the debt. It's about £4k. I think it will take until end of year.

I do get what you saying. I just always pick his happiness over mine and I resent him but also myself. I've done a lot of reading on here and online about people pleasing and being conditioned to please men (I have my whole life) and I am aware of what is happening and I still can't stop. I even pretend to enjoy it a lot. Its all lies. And that feels shameful

OP posts:

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 23:35

Tonight he joked I must be a lesbian when I initially said no.

More manipulation and insults. Very 14 yr old boy insults too.

You won't shag me ... You must be a lesbo or frigid!!

Nah mate, I just don't want to shag you.

What a child he is.

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 23:36

have acquired credit card debt from paying for mortgage and all the kids stuff

??!!

Is he financially abusing you too?

Original poster

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 23:42

I don't know about abusing. My salary is more than his and I've ended up paying all the bills and he is meant to pays for the food/kid stuff but he doesn't really so I'm always at the shops buying what we need or going on amazon to buy something for the kids. And again, I could talk to him, and I have tried but with money he gets really worked up, starts getting angry and panicked and storming around so I've really stupidly just paid for a few bits on credit rather than asked him to pay his share.

OP posts:

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 23:42

And tell be how rejected he is.

He must have a very fragile, unhealthy self esteem and very poor sense of perspective on life if his partner not wanting to have sex every time he does makes him feel so rejected.

Lots of people don't fancy sex at the exact times their partners do, it's fairly normal.

If their partner is pretty much always wanting it and they don't share their "high sex drive" (if that's all it is, rather than actually being fixated on sex/addicted in some way) that is even more likely.

His "rejection" would be his problem to solve and put in perspective. 99% of men I've been in a relationship with would mentally shrug their shoulders and go about their business. They wouldn't moan, winge, express how rejected they feel, throw insults, nag and sulk.

The 1% (1) who sulked and performance wanked and started arguments about it got dumped ....and funnily enough he hadn't had success in his previous four relationships either.

fascinatingdei · 22/03/2024 23:42

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 23:36

have acquired credit card debt from paying for mortgage and all the kids stuff

??!!

Is he financially abusing you too?

yes, this sounds ominous. OP, you seem to be in a very difficult situation. Does he not pay his way?

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 23:43

I've ended up paying all the bills and he is meant to pays for the food/kid stuff but he doesn't really so I'm always at the shops buying what we need or going on amazon to buy something for the kids.

That's financial abuse.

fascinatingdei · 22/03/2024 23:44

He does NOT sound like a good man. Can you get support to leave him?

Original poster

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 23:45

He would say both sex and money stuff I haven't been clear enough with him but I do try and talk but things become difficult and I'm bad at that so it's perfect combination of him being angry and me picking the easy option. Or so in that moment it feels like the easy option.

OP posts:

MissingMoominMamma · 22/03/2024 23:48

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 23:42

This won’t get any better. You can contact the credit card issuer and discuss a payment plan, or transfer the balance to a 0% card for a year- even better!

But you know what you need to do about him. Sulking isn’t an attractive quality.

Xenoi24 · 22/03/2024 23:50

You said you didn't want sex ...he sulked and emotionally blackmailed, gas lit you "we both know you really do mean yes" etc until he got it. That's coercion.

You were clear, he just pretends your not. If you weren't clear, he wouldn't be sulking and insulting you and manipulating you. It wouldn't be necessary. He heard/saw your no - that's why he did all that to get sex anyway.

He's also not pulling his weight/paying his way financially. He's using you and financially abusing you.

He should pay in proportion to his income, end of. It doesn't sound like he does that at all

You're getting into debt paying his part as well as yours.

It's all financial abuse 101.

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