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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so much shame

40 replies

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 22:23

I've made the decision to leave my husband. He can be such a nasty nasty man. He can also be loving and fun and caring, but he can be such a bully. I haven't told him it's over as I'm trying to save some money so I'm still here.

He is not sex crazy or anything but he wants it once a week or so. And I just can't say no. I never feel physically unsafe but he just makes me feel so guilty if I say no. Its all funny, he's laughing "you're saying no but we know you don't mean it". I have really tried to say no but it results in him getting upset and difficult and I just give in somehow. And the shame I feel when I'm doing it. Making pretend noises. Saying his great it was after. It's all lies and I coudl cry

How can I find the strength to say no

OP posts:
Original poster
EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 23:55

My job is secure. I'm a lot stricter now with money and I'm selling loads of stuff on vinted. I have done the balance transfer thing and set up payment plan. I'm crawling my way out of it but he's not paying his way at all. And my kid has got the free hours now so that's a huge difference. I know I can sort myself out financially eventually. Do I just leave now? Even with the debt?

OP posts:
Weatherdial · 23/03/2024 00:04

Hiya, if you don't mind me asking where are you Scotland? England? If Scotland then please get away from him, he's a horrible person. I don't know how things work in England but I do know that in Scotland through experience that I went through that within a matter of months I was re homed,and had so much support to get me through such a shitty time. No man is worth you being treated that way. ♥

Xenoi24 · 23/03/2024 07:34

EasterLegz · 22/03/2024 23:55

My job is secure. I'm a lot stricter now with money and I'm selling loads of stuff on vinted. I have done the balance transfer thing and set up payment plan. I'm crawling my way out of it but he's not paying his way at all. And my kid has got the free hours now so that's a huge difference. I know I can sort myself out financially eventually. Do I just leave now? Even with the debt?

Citizens advice is good for working out what you'd get financially.

It may be in your interest to go part-time and get Universal credit for as long as necessary.

You get 85% childcare fees paid if you're on UC.

You can work a certain number of hours a d then your salary affects your UC on a scale.

Cab are good at going through this with you.

There may be ways to make the debt more manageable.

The longer you are with him, the more you're going to struggle to get out of debt since you're paying his part too.

Loubelle70 · 23/03/2024 07:38

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 22:27

This is coercive behaviour op.

Please contact women's aid and discuss it with them.

Even though he's nice sometimes it's still abusive.

👍. Yes...its coercive to get what he wants.
Please ring us at womens aid for support

Original poster
EasterLegz · 23/03/2024 09:09

That's true @Xenoi24 I dont know where his money goes. He doesn't know about the debt. He'd be so mad with me. I think im scared of divorce as he'll discover the debt. But i guess it doesn't matter then. I will talk to CAB. Though I really like being full time - it keeps me sane!

I'm not even thinking about the kids. That's the worst part of it all. What happens to them.

I think he'll refuse to leave the house. But once I've told him I can sleep away from him.

OP posts:
Dery · 23/03/2024 09:33

You don’t need to be clearer. If you say something he doesn’t like re sex or money, he bullies you into silence. He’s abusive and will never see it your way. He will always find excuses for his atrocious behaviour. You’ll feel a lot better once you’re away from him.

Crushed23 · 23/03/2024 11:25

My advice to all young women: be more selfish.

It would solve 99% of the problems you see on this board.

Totally agree with this:

It’s soul destroying having sex if you don’t want to just to keep a man happy.

Don’t keep doing this to yourself, OP. Only you can make it stop.

Seaoftroubles · 23/03/2024 12:28

Don't wait OP, you need to separate asap.He is financially and sexually abusing you and you sound quite scared of him. Speak to CAB to get a financial plan in place and to and Womens Aid for advice and support. Sorry if l've missed this but who's name is the house in? If yours he needs to go.

Original poster
EasterLegz · 23/03/2024 21:52

@Seaoftroubles the house is in both our names. I'm not scared about that argument...whatever needs to happen will happen

What I cannot reconcile is the kids. They are young, one with SEN, they don't want to be without me, I don't want to be without them. I choose my happiness but their happiness suffers.

@Crushed23 I agree. If I could go back I'd never have put up with any of it. From him or any of the other arseholes. Having said that I'm putting up with it now. I am a tough woman in my head but nothing like that when I feel pressure. I hate to make men unhappy. Its pathetic truly

OP posts:
fascinatingdei · 23/03/2024 22:17

but you’d stay with your kids? No?

fascinatingdei · 23/03/2024 22:28

As in - they wouldn’t be separated from you surely…? Or are you thinking they’d have to go to him sometimes?

muggart · 23/03/2024 22:32

He knows what he is doing OP. He's a scum bag.

Original poster
EasterLegz · 23/03/2024 22:32

@fascinatingdei as in they would end up going to his 50% of the time. He would argue for that and there is no reason he would not get it, but my kids would struggle with 5050 a great deal. Of course I will fight for them a hard as I can and will never leave house without them. Just thinking of long term set up

OP posts:
Original poster
EasterLegz · 23/03/2024 22:38

@muggart i do agree with you. I do think he's a bit of a scumbag. I guess once you think that about your husband there isn't much going back. And yet I'm still here telling myself it will be OK. He was v funny and caring today but I know it's because he can see I was upset from last night.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 24/03/2024 08:23

Honestly OP, this won't get any better. Please begin by following the advice suggested and start to make a plan. Don't overthink about the future, start by telling him you want you have separate rooms due to him being a sex pest and go from there. You say you hate making men unhappy, well, this one doesn't care if he makes you unhappy does he?

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