Husband and young daughter's relationship- what's going on?

[Paprikio]

Our daughter is 6 and we also have a daughter who is almost 11. Since she was around 3 years old she has been all daddy. He has to do everything for her even though she's highly capable of dressing herself, cutting up her own food etc. But she becomes completely incapable suddenly when he's around. She tantrums a lot when we're together as a family. Always asking for her dad rather than me. Always cuddling him. Won't cuddle me. Refusal to do very simple tasks. Lots of crying. He is very emotionally detached and often disengaged and I have often wondered if she's fighting for some sort of emotional reciprocation from him?

When watching TV she'll be sat on his head or with her arms up his sleeves. She doesn't like it when I try to speak to my husband, she will cry in the car if I am trying to talk to him and shout over me. It's like he belongs to her.

I think my husband likes it.
He rarely tells her off, just does what she wants him to do. However he treats our eldest child very differently and is seemingly irritable and impatient with her. I know she's older and ought to know better but he really comes down on her sometimes with very little understanding. He is full of excuses for our youngest.

I'm starting to worry that their relationship is affecting my relationship with my younger daughter and also his relationship with our older one. I'm always bad cop because he doesn't tell her no and then she runs to him. I recently took our younger daughter away for a weekend as eldest was away with school to try and bond with her and she complained that she got me and not her father. We did have a nice time but she certainly wasn't as needy or obsessive with me.

He laughs at her when she's naughty but has never laughed at our eldest.

Once every few months DH goes away with work for a week and her behaviour changes dramatically. The tantrums stop. She's amenable, calmer, helps me with jobs and everything feels easier. I have even wondered about leaving him over this. FYI he left me when she was 3.5 years old for 6 months as we weren't getting along. But the behaviour was still there before he left, during and has continued afterwards. She probably saw me shouting at him a lot in the lead up to that period of time and him behaving like a victim as he would never respond or give me any answers. We have since had therapy and communication is generally much better. I have wondered if I have caused her to feel sorry for him.

What is going on? Is this an attachment thing? Or is this all my fault?

I think I would find that very difficult, to be honest.
Basically, and you know this, you need to be on the same page with parenting, and also not favour one child over the other (which the older child must notice).
What does your husband say?
I don’t really think this is down to you shouting 3 or 4 years ago.
One of the reasons I left my marriage was because of the way my ex treated my DD (she is not his DD).plus the fact that when he was not there, everything was just less stressful. I knew that by separating, I was improving DD’s life as she would not have to see ex again.

I'm finding very hard @DaffodilsAlready I feel completely redundant when he's around and can't help feeling relief when he isnt. No idea how she would cope living apart from him regularly permanently.

DD1 has noticed.
She always gets the blame when they fall out too.

It's probably more that she is reacting to your relationship difficulties. Especially as he left once already.

If therapy has worked in the past I would sort some out to address this issue asap. Start as a couple, but it may need to be family therapy by the sound of it.

This is ringing loud alarm bells. He's doing her no favours at all.

I would strongly suspect this an attachment issue for your daughter due to him leaving for 6 months in the past.

Can you get family therapy?

He doesn't say a lot about it... I ask him and he goes silent. His only reason so far for giving in to her every command is that "she's little." I'm not sure he's fully aware that he's doing it.

But it was going on before he left @Yetanothernamechangeagain . When he left and wasn't around it was calmer until he came over to put her to bed etc then the tantrums would begin again.

I tend to agree with this.
Your husband not saying anything is avoiding the issue, but he is not stupid, he must be able to see all the things you do - he is just not engaging as you are the one who has to be bad cop and who your DD is acting out against. But it is also not fair on your older DD. If he is not prepared to go to counselling with you, then I would wonder what he suggests to address the issue with you.

You need to have a serious talk with him about treating his older daughter unfairly and being too indulgent with the youngest. It's important that you both are on the same page when it comes to discipline and back each other up. This happened with a friend of mine and her little girl was seen by a psychologist who said the differences between her parents was making her anxious and insecure. Maybe your husband leaving for that short time has made her worried he will again and that's why she's so clingy? He needs to realise that this is a problem and not shrug it off to you.

She will have witnessed the relationship breakdown before he left.

I agree about looking into therapy.

Fwiw my father has always been impatient, dismissive & inattentive with me while clearly adoring my sister - its been...very hard. I don't recommend it.

Your husband clearly loves the attention & being the favoured one by your youngest, and it seems he's willing to risk his relationship with his eldest for this too. To satisfy his ego? Because its easy?

We don't know, but a therapist will help you all figure it out.

So the little one's a pleasantly normal child when H is not present, and acts out like a histrionic Scarlett O'Hara or Blanche Dubois when he's around. I find this very disturbing.

I can't put my finger on why - apart from the obvious two-team dynamic she and H have set up, which must be hurtful to your other daughter and no fun for you. I'm with the PPs who've recommended family therapy. Is this something you can afford, and would H be amenable?

Also, sorry but I have to ask ... she sits on his head??

This is extremely creepy to read. I really think you need to take him to meet with a child psychologist because the description of the way the two girls are treated reads like a textbook example of how to produce personality disorders in both children.

He is emotionally unavailable and neglectful to the elder, and quasi seductive and attentive to the younger. He permits or encourages her to see you, her mother, as competition for him. This is a recipe for disaster.

It does really sound as if she has an insecure attachment to him and feels the need to behave as she does to try and stop him leaving again. She probably has a secure attachment to you and so knows she can take you for granted. Family therapy sounds like a good idea.

I agree that he finds her attention and adoration gratifying, and is too selfish to realise how his behaviour impacts on all of you. I'd absolutely be giving him an ultimatum over this.

My DH and my adult daughter from a previous marriage are like this, always backing each other up. She always has a go at me if there's any conflict between myself and my DH, never him. It's a really toxic dynamic and has damaged my relationship with her and my DH a lot.

Spot on. My mother treated my younger brother completely differently to me, showering him with love and affection and scapegoating me in any conflict between me and my brother. It lead to an almost lifelong estrangement between us siblings, and it has left me with struggling with my mental health for a lifetime.

Yes, this was also my experience and my dad basically went along with whatever my mum wanted or did, and drank a lot!
I am not sure how you best protect your DC in such a dynamic - it is best that it doesn’t start up, to be honest. I used to wonder what it was about my sister which made her special, so to speak, then I just got on with my own (messy) life. But as a parent experiencing your partner doing this, I think you do need to try to address it with your DH and be prepared to create a safer, separate space for your DC on your own if it gets to that.

There are some really unhealthy relationships dynamics going on. Based on what you are saying she may have an attachment disorder likely due to the breakdown of your relationship before and if he isn't meeting her needs now that is a continuing struggle for her. This will all be impacting on your older dd too. I would look into family therapy if financially that's an option. Otherwise I would speak to school senco about her behaviour and ask for a ed psych evaluation. You could also asked to be referred to early help and request parenting support, they may offer a parenting class.

Maybe because she knew he would be going away again after visiting? Has it occurred to you she may just be incredibly insecure and afraid he's going to leave again so that's why she clings on for dear life?

This. And it would have seemed quite obvious to anyone outside the relationship. She's acting out because she's insecure. She knows he left before after lots of arguing with you, hence why she tries to stop you talking to him in the car. She is trying to stop him from leaving again by clinging on to him and physically holding onto him wanting him in her sight and touch all the time. That's why she always wants him and not you. She's different When he's not there because the stimulus is not present and she won't have seen arguments leading up to him leaving. When you realise this you'll wonder why you didn't see it before.

@DoIdriveaVauxhallZafira your paragraph: "Your husband clearly loves the attention & being the favoured one by your youngest, and it seems he's willing to risk his relationship with his eldest for this too. To satisfy his ego? Because its easy" feele spot on here. He is so obviously flattered by it all that discipline just goes completely out the window.

@NotQuiteNorma I think your explanation of why it is happening makes an awful lot of sense. What can we do about it? He refuses any sort of therapy he thinks therapy is nonsense.

Notquitenorma that'd very illuminating.

@Paprikio if he wont countenance therapy then your only option, as I see it, is to point out that all this indicates how insecure your youngest daughter is and how much anxiety he is actually causing her.

2 points however:

If you can afford it, I'd suggest doing this only after you've sought therapy for the rest of you. A good therapist would then, hopefully, be able to advise the best of raising it with him, while also supporting you & your daughters.
(& just maybe, if the 3 of you are undergoing therapy, he'll be drawn in enough to join in)

If he's as selfish & uncaring as he sounds, it won't make a difference. I think there's a risk that even realising your youngest is insecurely attached will reinforce his behaviour because then he'll have a Big Reason to keep it up ('I'm doing it for her, she needs it, she needs me')

Is he the type to use it against you? (Eg 'YOU caused this by kicking me out, its your fault not mine' and could he similar to your daughters?)

Everything about this situation feeds his desire to keep the unhealthy relationship pattern going. The difficulties he causes with his eldest will be her fault, not his, and therefore the adoration from youngest will feel more important & gratifying. (And your eldest will be compared unfavourably in his mind to your youngest, she can never win).

Your issues with the dynamic- again your problem, not his, youre jealous that's all...Again reinforcing the ego boost he gets from your youngest.

Unless he actually cares about others before himself I can't see how he be motivated to change anything here.

This leads me to wondering why you & he had issues in the first place tbh, but that's not part of this discussion!

LTB.

He’s doing a huge amount of damage to your children, refuses to communicate about it or address it in any way. He doesn’t give a shit about his kids, only how they can massage his fucked up ego. Leaving this as it is seems to be your only option if you stay with him, as he has no interest in changing things. It will fuck up your relationship with your children, and their attachment styles will be damaged potentially permanently.

He's harming your children so you need to protect them.