Husband and young daughter's relationship- what's going on?

[Paprikio]

Our daughter is 6 and we also have a daughter who is almost 11. Since she was around 3 years old she has been all daddy. He has to do everything for her even though she's highly capable of dressing herself, cutting up her own food etc. But she becomes completely incapable suddenly when he's around. She tantrums a lot when we're together as a family. Always asking for her dad rather than me. Always cuddling him. Won't cuddle me. Refusal to do very simple tasks. Lots of crying. He is very emotionally detached and often disengaged and I have often wondered if she's fighting for some sort of emotional reciprocation from him?

When watching TV she'll be sat on his head or with her arms up his sleeves. She doesn't like it when I try to speak to my husband, she will cry in the car if I am trying to talk to him and shout over me. It's like he belongs to her.

I think my husband likes it.
He rarely tells her off, just does what she wants him to do. However he treats our eldest child very differently and is seemingly irritable and impatient with her. I know she's older and ought to know better but he really comes down on her sometimes with very little understanding. He is full of excuses for our youngest.

I'm starting to worry that their relationship is affecting my relationship with my younger daughter and also his relationship with our older one. I'm always bad cop because he doesn't tell her no and then she runs to him. I recently took our younger daughter away for a weekend as eldest was away with school to try and bond with her and she complained that she got me and not her father. We did have a nice time but she certainly wasn't as needy or obsessive with me.

He laughs at her when she's naughty but has never laughed at our eldest.

Once every few months DH goes away with work for a week and her behaviour changes dramatically. The tantrums stop. She's amenable, calmer, helps me with jobs and everything feels easier. I have even wondered about leaving him over this. FYI he left me when she was 3.5 years old for 6 months as we weren't getting along. But the behaviour was still there before he left, during and has continued afterwards. She probably saw me shouting at him a lot in the lead up to that period of time and him behaving like a victim as he would never respond or give me any answers. We have since had therapy and communication is generally much better. I have wondered if I have caused her to feel sorry for him.

What is going on? Is this an attachment thing? Or is this all my fault?

Some really good family systems analysis here. Get into (good) individual therapy with a view to figuring out what to do with this awful situation.

I would also start noting what you see to your younger daughter. “Are you worried dad will leave if you don’t hold him? Lets ask him to say goodbye to all if us before he goes (shopping, on a trip). “ if she trues to stop you talking say ghe same “Dad and I are not quarreling we are talking. It is ok. If you are worried you can tell us.”

Get her to a therapist who can help her.

As for him: I would leave. He is really a terrible person and he thinks he is perfect so he lack’s compassion and insight. The best thing would be for him to abandon all of them because at least you could then pick up the pieces.

He's getting a kick out of the anguish he is causing you.

He is using both of his daughters to reflect the division and contempt he has for you.

He is throwing both of your DDs longterm MH and emotional well-being under the bus to attack you indirectly - because I suspect he didn't want to come back and is resentful.

He is very emotionally detached and often disengaged and I have often wondered if she's fighting for some sort of emotional reciprocation from him?

Was this character flaw the basis of your frustration with him and the reason your relationship was volatile (no emotional reciprocation) and why he left?

He sounds impossible and I can't imagine having such an unsatisfactory relationship. He doesn't meet your basic emotional needs (or anyone else's in your family).

Nobody talked about an Oedipe complex gone rogue because of the family context ? Crazy little girl over daddy is exactly that age and it is up to daddy to put the stops. I would have therapy, when the relationship between the two of you will be fixed, whether you stay together or he leaves, everything else will fall into line.

I'd be investigating an inappropriately sexual relationship between your husband and the 11 year old if I were you. Cause that sure is what it sounds like to ME. Her body is changing and she will be a full own WOMAN. WTF are you doing allowing him to be that physical with her at this age? Putting her to bed and whatnot? NO NO NO NO NO. Put a stop to ALL that nonsense. I'd put a hidden camera in her room too so I could record what is going on with them and get the evidence. Then straight to the cops we go.

But it's the little one who is doing this not the older one.

Just my opinion from Reading your post and responses so far. There's two things going on here:

1. As you have identified, your 6yr old is desperately trying to illicit a genuine, unqualified, emotional response from her Dad, who is so distant that her attempts are never fully rewarded and are therefore, constantly escalated.
2. You are still feeling the previous abandonment, emotional unavailability and lack of trust very keenly. When you add your hurt on behalf of yourself and your children and the knowledge that the current situation is not healthy for anyone in the family and the fact that you have identified that things are much better when your DH is not there it's clear that you are aware that your relationship is probably no longer viable.

I suspect you posted here to confirm what you already know I your heart. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Do you have any safeguarding concerns for your youngest? Because this is sounding all kinds of creepy from an outside perspective.

I read this and saw narcissistic personality in your dh (I have learned a lot about this through therapy and private study). He's triangulating. He has a golden child and a scapegoat. This is textbook narc. Read up on it. It will damage both your daughters.

You clearly need help.

100 percent this ,
it shouted a narcissistic personality disorder. Your husband I suspect is that the root of this? You need to get some therapy to help support you through this? What he’s doing my ex to my daughter she was so over attached to him but at the same time completely switched off emotionally uninterested and incapable of love everything she did seem to need a response from him, read the Covid narcissist by Debbie M
my ex I now free realise got a kick out of my
discomfort around everything that was going on.
please get help ,it’s taken years for me to help
my daughter to recover and heal from this weird fuckery , and the help of a good therapist.
get your ducks in a row , I’d be looking at other areas he’s not quite right with ie
how he treats you , coercive control and manipulation,
become an everyday part of life when you live with the character like this also who pays the bills who’s in charge of the finances have you got access to your own money? All that kind of stuff?
I suspect your daughter is behaving the way she is because of her father‘s behaviour

NB not covid !!! Covert
narcissist
apologies, voice text didn’t check before I sent it

To update: we have since separated. Both children seem much calmer and more regulated when he's not here.

There are issues when the children are with him and my eldest often calls me crying as he doesn't understand her needs. She's since been diagnosed autistic. The younger one seems to be detaching from him and asks for me more.