How would you account for this behaviour?

[xxxElizabethBennettxxx]

H had an affair. When I discovered it (found a confirmation for a hotel booking for a city he should never have been in, and receipts for flowers to her address) he begged for another chance. Suggested marriage counselling, and swore in front of me and the counsellor he was no longer in contact with OW. In fact, he gave me quite a hard time about not trusting him to have ended contact (something the counsellor barely picked up on or challenged, which I'm still annoyed about).

He was, of course, very much in contact with OW. In fact, he was talking to her at great length about the counselling (goodness knows what he was telling her about it).

I can't get my head around the behaviour. There have been a lot of awful things he has done during the affair, but this is one of the things that angers me most. WHY did he want me to go to counselling with him? What did he think the point was if he wasn't being truthful? Was it not just a monumental waste of time and money?

Can anyone explain what he was thinking? Was he just NOT thinking? Was it all just a monumental exercise in having his cake and eating it?

I feel quite traumatised by the whole experience to be honest.

I am assuming he is now ex h because that is some betrayal he’s shown you.

He went to counselling to “prove” to you that he wanted to make it work.

All the while still messing about with the OW.

Yes it’s all about cake eating. The affair would mean the relationship was over for me, but the double deceit of pretending to be contrite and wanting to work things out with you just shows utter contempt.

He clearly thinks you’re stupid or that it doesn’t matter at this point what he does - he’s pretty confident you’ll stay with him.

I hope that’s not the case.

I can't give you much help, but I can say that when you use the word 'traumatised', you are not exaggerating. Don't ignore the damage to your own psyche that your husband's actions have caused.

He was doing his best to keep control and ALL his options open (otherwise known as 'having your cake and eating it').

He has NO integrity.

I hope you've left him.

Agree he was thinking he could still have his cake and eat it. What's the status of things now with you and him?

Yes the cake but also doesn’t want to go through the financial split up. He knows the grass isn’t green on the other side so keeping you sweet saves him money.

Current status is messy!

I know I need to walk away, but I'm finding it very hard. Some days I feel strong, some days less so.

He's begging for another chance (again), but once you've seen how good someone is at lying, I don't think you can ever unsee it.

I do miss the old him though

He'd like me to go back to counselling with him. The thought of it brings me out in a cold sweat to be honest.

It's all just very, very hard.

I would say it's very very sad.

But it's not hard at all. There's only one path available. You just don't want to take it. Completely understandably.

What would Elizabeth Bennett do?!

Go back to counseling, so that he can bare faced lie all over again ?

What can he possibly say or do to erase his lying, devious, cheating, selfish disrespect?

What would he do if the roles were reversed ?

Its hard, you didn't want this, but here we are. You can survive without him. Or, you can destroy your life & try again till the next time

It’s over OP. He’s shown you can never trust him again. Don’t pine for what could be, it won’t be. He’s ended this not you.

Agree with everyone else, it's over. He gave you a hard time before because you (rightly) didn't trust him not to be in contact with the OW. It will be no different this time, there is no way to trust him now and he has proved that you can't.

Really sorry that you are going through this.

He's an utter cock.

Lying to you about OW, lying to her about you.

So fine whatever who can be bothered to be so deceitful?

You can just say "the trust is gone, no more"

And make steps to move away.

My H knows, because he has been told in very clear terms, I would rather live in a bedsit than be a paranoid mess whenever you pick up a mobile phone. "Why would I fuck up my whole life?"

So whatever it was he got from OW surely it was worth blowing up his marriage. Because whether you stay or go that us what he has done.

And he knew that before he did it. But he still did.

Why would you stay?

What a lying, gaslighting, selfish prick. Get him gone, OP.

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity. His behaviour, although undoubtedly awful, is not uncommon when coming out of an affair.

The posters there are excellent and will help you unpick your feelings if you’re torn on what to do and still struggling with your decision making. Their reconciliation and separation and divorce forums are worth a look.

Mumsnet is not the place for advice if you’re thinking of trying to recover a marriage after an affair.

Maybe he really doesn't want to admit to being the bad guy - even to himself?

He may be kidding himself that going to counselling lets him off the hook, morally speaking. It's crazy and it makes no sense, but some people are capable of astonishing self-delusion.

He did it as thought it would be the perfect cover.

Please do some work on yourself. Separately from him.

I have a very similar story to tell, and 'D'H is about to become exH 4 years after we split. I suspected for a long time (years) he was cheating on me but could never prove it and of course he denied there was anything wrong. Eventually I caught him out. Confronted him with the evidence. He claimed it was a one off. I called bullshit on that and mentioned divorce. His response was for us both to go to counselling and work through this together. Said he'd come clean and told me the name of the OW... except that he lied and used a female friend as a scapegoat. We did the counselling in which he lied to the counsellor as well as to me, all the time he was still in contact the with real OW. Soon after I caught him out again and asked him to leave. Cue lots of pleas about "we can make this work, give me another chance." When his pleas didn't work, he started on another tack - " how will you cope as a single Mum etc?" (Just fine as it happens). He wanted to have his cake and eat it - play the family man on the outside while continuing an affair with a junior colleague young enough to be his daughter. And then moving on to absolving himself of the blame, insisting I took the blame in equal shares for the marriage not working, when I wasn't the one who cheated and lied FOR YEARS. No, he seemed to have convinced himself that was it was 50/50 because I didn't meet his needs so he had to look elsewhere. I think some people get so used to lying that they actually believe their own lies.
Sorry I think this has turned into an offloading rant more than anything, but my intention was to say that this behaviour isn't unusual in someone who's been caught out. If he's in the habit of lying to cover his tracks and get what he wants, he won't change. Sorry.

Basically you’re the home and she’s the holiday house. You’re convenient to him that’s it nothing, He probably cares for you but he doesn’t desire you, he doesn’t respect you.

Once you come to terms with that you’ll be able to move on with your life. You only get one life don’t settle for this, if you were his all he wouldn’t have done and still continued it. And the gaslighting etc makes it crystal clear. You deserve better than this.

I do miss the old him though

What you're missing is your old idea of him, OP. This is the real him, a person who was always capable of lies, deceit and manipulation in service to his dick.

She'd realise that she had mistaken looks and charm for decency, respect and dependability. She'd dump Wickham because she deserves a Darcy.

I know an actual therapist who lied through his own couples therapy with his wife, never admitting to his ongoing affair. All to minimise any reputational damage when he left her shortly after the couple counselling ended. Never underestimate what utter shits some men can be.

Too right! 👏👏

I would say that I would only consider staying in a marriage after an affair if he had come clean, confessed to you about what had happened, asked for forgiveness and promised to do whatever it took to regain your trust.

Your man didn't confess - he got caught. He didn't come clean, he lied continually. He didn't ask for forgiveness, he asked to go to counselling. And he certainly hasn't done anything to regain your trust!

He wants to go to counselling because he is hoping that the counsellor will turn something up in the counselling that he can use to blame you for him having an affair. That way it's your fault, and it's him being generous allowing the marriage to continue.

I hope this doesn’t hurt op but he’s keeping you hanging on waiting for OW to decide if she wants him full time or not. Exactly the same happened to me years ago. I found out he was having an affair, he swore he wasn’t, then admitted he was but it’s all over now. He wouldn’t do it again. Give me another chance. Let me make it up to you…. Blah. We went for counselling. He swore the affair was over. The most important people in his life were me and our D.C. This went on for two years. Then he left and shacked up with OW. I was devastated! Not because he had left but because he strung me along for so long and I was just about ready to forgive him…ish.

I later found out OW needed time to get her head together and the bastard was still meeting up with her all the time he was telling me it was over!

26 years on I am happily married (to someone else) but I still get angry, cry and have sleepless nights about how he let me and D.C. down - so cruelly. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Leg him go OP. Before he destroys you. Pack his bags for him ((hugs)).