How would you account for this behaviour?

[xxxElizabethBennettxxx]

H had an affair. When I discovered it (found a confirmation for a hotel booking for a city he should never have been in, and receipts for flowers to her address) he begged for another chance. Suggested marriage counselling, and swore in front of me and the counsellor he was no longer in contact with OW. In fact, he gave me quite a hard time about not trusting him to have ended contact (something the counsellor barely picked up on or challenged, which I'm still annoyed about).

He was, of course, very much in contact with OW. In fact, he was talking to her at great length about the counselling (goodness knows what he was telling her about it).

I can't get my head around the behaviour. There have been a lot of awful things he has done during the affair, but this is one of the things that angers me most. WHY did he want me to go to counselling with him? What did he think the point was if he wasn't being truthful? Was it not just a monumental waste of time and money?

Can anyone explain what he was thinking? Was he just NOT thinking? Was it all just a monumental exercise in having his cake and eating it?

I feel quite traumatised by the whole experience to be honest.

So twice he's decided to try and cling on. I don't think he took you seriously the first time. You didn't leave him then, so perhaps he thinks you won't leave him now, hence he carried on in between because you stayed, so in his mind he'd a) got away with it and b) you forgave him so probably will another time.

He wants to control the narrative and rewrite the story.

It's a common tactic of men when they are found out for cheating.

He also doesn't want the hassle / expense of a divorce.

What you do about it is up to you. Your marriage is a sham. He has zero respect for you or indeed for the marriage he entered into. Frankly I'd be telling him to fuck off and shoving all his stuff into bin bags.

You know you deserve better, right?

This

Well yes, that is an excellent question! Just noticed the username - love it.

I don't actually think it is that - OW is single and from what I've seen / heard / discovered, she very much wants him to commit to her. He was (quite possibly still is) lying to her too.

I just can't get my head round how someone can lie so convincingly and easily.

I do know what I need to do, yes.

Struggling with the sadness and the grief and the guilt (I know none of it is my fault, but I still feel guilty). But I will get there.

Why?

• fear of change
• middle life crisis
• wants to eat his cake and have it. The lies made this possible.
• wanting to redress the power balance so he could say “we tried”
• to spin it out and update the narrative/make it “your fault”. no one wants to be the villain in their own tale…

Not wanting the financial consequences of an asset split with you if you both separated? So therefore wants to keep you stringed along with the wool over your eyes?

He is a cheat. He does not value you or your relationship. Take control. Give yourself what u deserve.

It might be helpful to let go of trying to understand him and his motives and instead direct your time and energy to getting what you want and need from life.

When it comes to identifying what you need and want from an 'intimate partner', try to start with a blank slate- rather than thinking about what you want from your current 'D'H.

When I found myself in your situation and did this, the first revelation was how hard I found it, as I was so conditioned to thinking about 'us' and him and not me. Once I got past this, and did 'the work', I realised that I didn't want to be the person I would be/ become if we did try and make it work. I would have wanted/needed loads of ground rules designed to evidence his fidelity. I didn't want to be a person who insisted on these, or policed these, and I didn't want to be with someone who would go along with them. My ex partner was wanting to go along with them, as a solution to his previous infidelity, and was incredulous over my thoughts on this.

It's a cliche, but for me, relationships are as much about who you are/become in a relationship as it is about who the other person is.

He has his chance and he ruined it.
He did and said that because he wants his cake and eat it.
It is up to you to entertain his shit meanwhile you became a shell of yourself. I wouldn't do it. You shouldn't do it neither.

I had an affair and agreed to go to couples therapy when it came to light. I knew deep down that my marriage was dead, it had been for years and that those feelings were never coming back. I was weak. I did have some hope that therapy would be a magic cure, I really wanted ti be in a happy marriage and keep my family together. I wish I had listened and trusted my gut. It was an awful time and I deeply regret the further pain I caused by not being honest to myself and everyone else.

There's a book about awful (controlling/ abusing/ cheating) partners called "I don't know why he does it", by Lundy Bancroft, I think. It's very good but what the whole book boils down to, is the answer : because he can, because he wants to.

Sit him down when you're both calm, and say you are not prepared to go to counselling as he tells blatant lies during the sessions.
All he needs to do is tell the truth. If he wants to continue speaking to OW then it's divorce time.
He needs to know you are serious and won't take his BS any longer.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life, or even another day, wondering where he is every time he goes through the front door. Do you want to feel anxious every time he’s using his phone. Last but not least, do you want to be second best.
I wish you well and hope you find the strength to do the right thing for you.

These are very wise words and I have been dwelling on them all day. Thank you, truly.

I don't want any of those things, no