Will hiring a cleaner fix the problem of a messy partner?

[RebeccaTiwa]

Hello everyone! My partner and I are thinking about moving in together in a few months after dating for a year. I am fairly clean and tidy, while he is messy. To be honest, he isn't awful, just the type who doesn't see clutter, cleans his house maybe twice a month, and not thoroughly enough for my standards.

Additionally, he suffered from depression in the past which has made his messy tendencies worse, although he is now getting professional help and doing much better on that front. We are lucky that we are both financially well off with high-paying jobs. I earn 20% more than him, but we both live well under our means and have savings and disposable income.

As a prerequisite (set by me) for us moving in together, we agreed that we will get a cleaner 2 or 3 times a week. He is on board with this idea.

Am I naive in thinking that hiring external help will fix this issue? I can't imagine living in a messy/ dirty house, but I don't want to turn into his mum who picks up after him either.

No. The cleaner won’t tidy -they will just clean. Plus there is a good chance he will be more avoidant of doing stuff, “as the cleaner will do it”.

Honestly OP it will depend on whether you can lower your standards. A cleaner will help obviously, but if he leaves things lying around then the cleaner won't put them away (as obviously they don't know where things should go), they'll just shuffle them into a pile and clean around them. Will you be able to live with that or will it drive you mad?

It will only fix it if you hire a cleaner you've asked to tidy as well as clean. Plenty will, you just need to say so up front.

Yeah you can't ask your cleaner to pick up his crap. That's tidying, not cleaning.

No. And this incompatibility will be exhausting for you both to live with.

No cleaners clean. You will still think you need to tidy for the cleaner. Pick up his pants. Clean the loo etc.

Personally I would not move in with an untidy man.

If you decide to have children he will no doubt ‘struggle’ with that too. Then you will earn more, tidy more, sort the kids more. While he plays on his PC or his bicycle or with his golf clubs - all of which are in good condition, tidy, clean and organised - they manage IF they want to.

Is his car a shit tip?

Just for clarity, we would ask the cleaner to tidy up as well as clean.

My cleaner tidies and makes my bed and puts my washing away. She is the best.

Yes you can get a cleaner who tidies, cleans, does laundry, irons, etc. You could probably find someone who’d do two hours a day, three times a week but honestly I think it will drive you a little bit mad (and cost loads). Because that will still leave four days when he is really messy. And you will ALWAYS be the one who is in charge of things, which is a grind.

My exdp was more like your dp and it was so wearying - I became a nag, in time I came to resent how passive and ungrateful he was. I didn’t want to be the one who had to notice and “police” the housekeeping, or whether food was out of date in the fridge, whether the bills were paid and filed. Literally nothing happened unless I organised it and/or did it myself and who wants that in a life partner? He would not do anything without instruction from me. I began to see him as pathetic and incapable, and it was a massive turn off for me.

I need her number! Mine doesn’t tidy. Also clearly doesn’t like dusting or cleaning tiles -bit problematic bearing in mind her line of work. I want to get rid but husband is resistive as she’s fairly reliable, we binned our last cleaner as her attendance was 25% 🤣

Most cleaners don't tidy up or do minimal. They are there to clean. It would double the hours you need to hire them for surely?

Getting a cleaner has forced us to be tidier throughout the week in general. He needs to find a way to keep reasonably on it (15 min timed session a night? It's what I do).

No. Someone who cleans their house twice a month sounds grim.

And you WILL end up picking up after him because the cleaner won't be in your house 24 hours a day, but you'll find him not tidying up after himself "because the cleaner will do it" in 2 days time 🤮🤮🤮

It will drive you insane if you are a clean and tidy person with reasonable standards.

You aren't compatible OP. I would question whether a year is long enough to decide whether you can live with this and if your relationship is strong enough to survive it.

How would you feel in between cleans? He’s still going to have the bad habits like leaving dirty cups, dropping dirty clothes where he leaves then, not rinsing the sink after shaving … The cleaner can do stuff like dust but it sounds like he won’t tidy which is a problem

Honestly I think if you are that diametrically opposed, this is a relationship in the long term that will cause both of you distress.

It's hell for a tidy person to live with a messy one (not just not 'normal' but actively messy). It's hell for a messy person to feel judge and nagged by the tidy one.

When/if you want to have children, this will just all fall on you. A cleaner unless they are living in isn't going to solve the issue of leaving towels, underwear, clothes on the floor and not putting the mug back on the shelf. You will do it all and be very resentful.

A messy and unclean person is messy and unclean day to day. A cleaner blitzing once or even twice a week isn't going to solve the problem of towels and underpants on the floor every f*cking day that someone has to pick up. Using that as an example but you get my point. Mr Messy is messy every day. There will be new mess every day. Either you have to live with it until the cleaner comes, or you will end up shouting at him to do it (he won't) and then doing it yourself.

Not joking when I say find another partner. Or very least if you must move in do it on the basis of a set period trial (say 6 months) and then you'll see.

Tidying and cleaning imo are completely separate. I spend far longer picking up / tidying than I do cleaning.

Even with a cleaner you need to pick up / tidy etc. so no I’m not sure this will
work unless he is committed to raising his standards.

What happens when you go on holiday or stay away for the weekend at places like your family’s houses? I wouldn’t want to be cleaning and tidying someone else’s mess in those situations and would expect them to have enough respect to be on their best behaviour.
Are you planning kids with this man ? It sounds like he will make even more mess than a child

My cleaner tidies too. I've used a cleaner my whole adult life and they've always been happy to tidy.

IME cleaners are happy to tidy if you allocate them enough time/pay to do it. They only resent tidying if you don't budget extra time for it on top of the cleaning.

If you get a cleaner to come round and give you a quote, they'll see the mess and quote you how many hours they'll need to sort it each visit.

My cleaner does our laundry (usually 3 loads, washer then dryer/airer), tidies toys into the toy basket, puts papers/magazines into a pile, tidies sofa cushions and throws, throws away any empty cartons or packaging, does the washing up, takes out the bins and recycling... plus does all the actual cleaning. 4 hours a week.

The only thing I don't expect her to do is handle bio waste ie nappy bin and bathroom bin.

Ummm...

I sound a little like your DP. I don't notice dirt and am not overly tidy.

I now have carers for DS who keep all the spaces he accesses clean, they do tidy a little. I had a sort out before they started coming in which jump-started everything. Suddenly if I don't keep everything else tidy I actually notice, it's sent me on a sorting spree across everywhere.

So it might work. Problem is you just don't know

If they're coming two or three times a week and it's a normal size house it should be doable. Seriously though, he should pay more for it because he's a slob. We have a cleaner in once every two weeks for a family of four and even DCs know that it's our all of our responsibility to tidy up the day before so that the cleaner can clean.

This. Don't do it until you mutually commit to being more minimalist. You will end up as 'mean mommy' telling him off all the time. You will resent him.

If he can get rid of a tonne of clutter a cleaner won't even be necessary or once a week.

Actually, when he stays at mine he tries his hardest to be tidy and clean. He still ends up leaving around a wrapper or two, but it is no big deal. The problem is the way he handles his own flat and I am not sure how he would be in a potential joint home.

You don’t need a cleaner, you need a housekeeper. But it will be FOREVER as he will not change.

We have a housekeeper who cleans and tidies although only one day a week.
She also sorts through the fridge, organizes cupboards and wardrobes and takes things to the charity shop etc.
It doesn't deal with everything but does stop me losing it too much with my messy adhd husband.
My guess is it won't make everything ok, but it will help.

Yeah that is kind of what I am hoping for. He is very eager to try and change for the sake of the relationship. I know that a potential joint home wouldn't be perfect, but I hope that a cleaner would keep it tidy/ clean enough to not make this an massive issue.