Will hiring a cleaner fix the problem of a messy partner?

[RebeccaTiwa]

Hello everyone! My partner and I are thinking about moving in together in a few months after dating for a year. I am fairly clean and tidy, while he is messy. To be honest, he isn't awful, just the type who doesn't see clutter, cleans his house maybe twice a month, and not thoroughly enough for my standards.

Additionally, he suffered from depression in the past which has made his messy tendencies worse, although he is now getting professional help and doing much better on that front. We are lucky that we are both financially well off with high-paying jobs. I earn 20% more than him, but we both live well under our means and have savings and disposable income.

As a prerequisite (set by me) for us moving in together, we agreed that we will get a cleaner 2 or 3 times a week. He is on board with this idea.

Am I naive in thinking that hiring external help will fix this issue? I can't imagine living in a messy/ dirty house, but I don't want to turn into his mum who picks up after him either.

I would think long and hard about moving him in at all. Are you certain he is the man for you?. I would also consider drawing up a cohabitation agreement with a solicitor if you did decide further to move him in.

You need a partner, not a project. Hiring a cleaner 2/3 times a week will not solve the underlying problem ie his inherent untidiness and his attitude to same.

Moving in with someone like that is an experiment. You can try it if there's an easy way out if it doesn't work out. But don't commit to it in the hope that (a) a cleaner will solve the problem and/or (b) he will change.

Changing for the sake of the relationship is a red flag, if it was that easy for him to do he would have changed already for your sake. He needs to change first, live together afterwards.

I'm 20 years on from where you are and I wish I could go back and have a stern word with myself. He will not change, you will begin to hate him for it, and cleaner just papers over the cracks. You'll end up pulling far more weight than you should, in every aspect of your life.

I'm not a tidy or clean person particularly, but my DH is messy and doesn't see it, doesn't care that much, and just thinks throwing money at it solves things. It doesn't. It's worn me down.

If you have children the messiness explodes, and the time/inclination to tidy dies. You need to be on the same wavelength.

2-3 times a week, that's insane for a 2 adult household. It takes us 2 hrs tops a week to do everything in the house - full clean, all laundry etc.

I am messy and DP is a neat freak. I'm hygienic but I'm completely unbothered by, eg, things not being put away or clothes on the floor. My standard for noticing mess is some way lower than his; when I do notice that something needs doing I will file it away in my mind to do later rather than stop what I'm doing (and then I will forget).

We didn't get a cleaner when we moved in together but we both had to compromise. None of the above has changed because people don't really change on this front. I've raised my game a bit and even have something of a domestic process now; DP has learned to chill out about mess a bit (or fix it himself if he really "can't relax" if a pan two rooms away isn't in its cupboard). We divvy up the chores and then let the person whose responsibility it is get on with it in their own time.

Something key to remember is that the other person isn't being messy AT you, or overly neat AT you - that's just how they're happy living. And for both of you the compromise has to be a conscious, continued process. For me, when I see something that needs picking up I will remember to actually do so more than I used to. For him, when he sees a mess that doesn't actually need tidying away that instant, he will choose to not say anything about it (or do it himself).

I personally think it depends on you and what the other aspects of your relationship are like and what he is like as a person (giving or selfish).

I don't agree with the people that say their partners don't 'see' the mess/dirt, they quite obviously do, they just don't mind it enough to do anything about it, or, worse case scenario they know if they ignore it wifey will deal with it.

My DH is a tidy(ish) person, but he doesn't clean properly at all, he was very much like your partner sounded when I first met him, we've been together 10 years now and quite easily fell into a routine where I do more of the proper cleaning and he deals with other chores like the cooking/washing/keeping the kitchen tidy, we have a very flexible mindset to chores as we will both do any of them, but the most important thing is we WANT to help each other, not leave each other to pick up the slack. I personally think as long as he is one of those and prepared to pull his weight in all other areas, rather than a selfish/lazy person that's happy to leave it to you, then it's well worth giving it a go!

I don't think paying someone to clear his mess will help, there'll be no reason to make an effort because he knows it'll be done for him.
I wouldn't move in with someone who can't keep his own home clean and tidy.

Anecdotally, it's helped me. I have a cleaner once a week for two hours.
Mine tidies, she's wonderful.

I think a messy guy cleaning the whole house twice a month is pretty ok. Like myself lol I hate cleaning.
Oops didn't realise this thread was months old.