Boyfriend’s suspicion of me feels hurtful

[Inlovewithgramps]

i Am 50, he is 60. Both divorced with DC. We’ve been together about two years. BF is one of those types who lived large as a young man - very athletic, charming, successful, wealthy, handsome, travelled, drank, was very admired - but time has caught up with him and he is now dogged with back and knee injuries, is balding, with poor health, being phased out of work or actively “retired” by his colleagues, high blood pressure, health worries etc.

we have known each other for a long time (through family friends) and I have always been attracted to him (although never acted on it until years after both of our divorces.) I still see the handsome, athletic, charismatic 40 year old man i used to see. This is just to explain that I am head over heels for him. Although I’m 50 I look younger and still keep fit and active.

in our relationship he has started to become periodically suspicious of me and what I am getting up to. It’s happened 2-3 times now, but when he gets what he calls “alarm bells” then there can be a standoff for days where I am being treated like I have cheated on him when I haven’t.

we will be talking about something I’ve done or people I have seen, just normal chit chatter and then suddenly I’ll feel like I have stepped on a land mine and he goes quiet and after a while of trying to talk to him he tells me that he had alarm bells about my reaction and my recounting of the story about a man I was talking about (never a particular man, there is no one he is fixated on, it can be anyone). He then starts saying things like “it’s ok… you can tell me you did something with him… relationships are built on openness and trust. We can move on and I can forgive you…”

It’s baffling to me because all the while I have never ever even thought about cheating on him. I don’t even think about other men. I very clearly and lovingly demonstrate my affection and loyalty to him every day. and it goes on for days. We sleep nights with him facing away from me , or brushing off my hugs or affection sayjng he cannot have sex because he needs to process what “probably happened” between me and another guy.

when I get upset about it he tells me that he’s not angry, he’s not mad, he’s not accusing me of anything, he just read my reaction in the conversation and watched my body language when talking about another man , and now needs to process it all.

even when I am upset and crying and asking him to just drop the suspicion, he reminds me he is not angry, not mad, just needs time to process things through his old brain. Ie, stonewall me and be cold until my penance is up.

what is going on here?

what is going on here

He’s a twat and you’re so stoked you pulled the (previously) hot guy, you’re struggling to recognise it.

He is a dickhead. The end. Don’t try to analyse something that’s not remotely complex.

Emotional abuse. He gets a kick out of winding you up and watching you go ie. he enjoys controlling your mindset. Or he’s genuinely that insecure and jealous.
Either way, you see now why he became single. Christ, his ex wife must be relieved.

He's a controlling twat, he is gas lighting you, pretending he's not angry etc while sulking like a toddler. He's clearly very insecure about himself now that he has aged and cannot accept that you genuinely like him, however he is taking that out on you which is totally unacceptable. I would be leaving (or making him leave depending on whose house!) next time this happens and repeat until he stops it or until he stays away. If you accept it he will never change. You should at least not be subject to the cold shoulder in your own home til he's got his head out of his ass.

'What's going on here?'

Abuse my dear. Abuse.

Its a deliberate control tactic aimed to make you walk on eggshells.

Abusers put you on a merry go round of 'prove your innocence/loyalty/goodness'. There is no way to prove it because they don't want there to be.

They want up walking on eggshells. Spending your life trying to convince them.

He doesn't genuinely believe you are cheating. Its gaslighting. They act like they believe you are cheating in order to control,manipulate and eventually, break you. He knows you aren't cheating. It's a trap.

There's no fixing this. Run. Run fast and run far!
You have done nothing wrong. He is not a good man, don't be fooled. Charismatic does not equal good.

He means you harm.
Get out and never look back.

Without trust, the relationship is doomed.

You will be locked into a cycle of constantly trying to prove your innocence, which is impossible, because he will never believe you.

He's not the catch you thought he was, you can do much better, move on

You’re 50 years old putting up with this shit from a balding decrepit old man? Give your head a shake op and get rid.

I agree he’s just toying with you. He can’t stand your outgoing happiness and is trying to break your spirit.

Basically, LTB and regain your peace of mind and remain your good self.

He's either being emotionally abusive, or he has developed Othello syndrome (a type of mental illness)

Ps: often men who do this are the ones who are actually cheating (or looking to cheat).

But the way you've described things here, it just sounds like abuse. Not to say it can't be both. But it's deliberate abuse either way.

He is controlling you, it will get worse.

If you look younger than 50 as you say, and even if you don't :) it doesn't matter -you can do a lot better than a 60 year old man that ' time has caught up with him and he is now dogged with back and knee injuries, is balding, with poor health, being phased out of work or actively “retired” by his colleagues, high blood pressure, health worries etc. '

Take off the rose tinted glasses !

Incase you're thinking 'but I love him, maybe something can be done'.

Remember there are more important things than loving a person: Self love. Self worth. Inner Peace. Freedom. And your sanity.

He will take ALL of that from you, piece by piece if you keep him around.

You're still feeling young and healthy, the world has so much left to offer you.

And even if you're struggling to equate the person you have come to love with someone who, means you harm, think on this - should a relationship be this difficult? Should it bring you to tears? Make you feel guilty for no reason? Cause you to think 'if only I could find the right words to make him understand, believe and trust me' ? No, it shouldn't.

Relationships should for the most part be as easy as breathing. Of course there might be the odd bad thing that happens to the couple that causes stress but generally you shouldn't be having conversations that reduce you to tears and leave you feeling untrusted or unloved. It's not healthy.

And 50 is too much through life to waste another second in unhealthy relationships.

I heard a great piece of advice the other day - relationships are not just about how you feel about the person. They are about how this person makes you feel about and, within yourself.

This person is making you miserable. And it'll only get more frequent and much worse.

in our relationship he has started to become periodically suspicious of me and what I am getting up to. It’s happened 2-3 times now, but when he gets what he calls “alarm bells” then there can be a standoff for days where I am being treated like I have cheated on him when I haven’t

Come on - you're 50 years old! What do you want to go into your elder years with all this angst for?! Landing yourself with a paranoid Mr Grumpy who will drain you emotionally. & you'll probably end up as his Carer, then he'll turn up the spite. Blighted elder years doing penance for an ill-mannered
man who doesn't respect you and is basically saying you're cheap. If you're staying with him then, best of luck to you. You'll need it.

its deliberate. Its a classic control tactic. He doesn't like that you're independent, active & outgoing.
He is lacking in confidence , & wants to control what you do, who you speak to.
Life is too short. Please dont waste your time trying to justify yourself.
He wants you in box.
Is that what you want ?
Hopefully you have not pooled resources with this miserable crumbling former adonis

Agree with all PP's comments, and have nothing to add really, just another vote to get out now and don't waste the remains of your youth on this abusive man (and I say this as someone who, like you, looked young at 50 - and you have about five years before it starts to go downhill).

It's controlling abuse and the accusations will only escalate and become increasingly wild as the time goes by.
I called it quits when I was accused of affair with a guy on the tills in my local shop.
Sanity should be a basic requirement in a partner. The end.

He's insecure because he feels he's no longer The Man. So he feels like The Man when he pulls you down and makes you feel small.

If you stay with him you will start to alter your behaviours, you will stop telling him things you think might spark a reaction, you will feel anxious managing yourself incase he gets upset. You might stop meeting people he has a problem with. Your world will become smaller and more centred around him. You will be unhappy because nothing is ever quite right and you will blame yourself.

Save yourself the mh issues and get out now.

He's paranoid and insecure, and deflecting that onto you so he doesn't have to look at himself. Honestly, there isn't much you can do about someone like this other than be blunt with him as you walk away.

Nailed it.

Get rid of him, he's jealous, it will get worse and soon you'll be a shadow of yourself. I say this from experience.

He's your common or garden controlling bastard. Don't let him move in with you, it will get worse.

I agree with PP. He sounds controlling and a difficult and unpleasant man.

Yes

I couldn't be bothered with this nonsense, I'd probably end up telling increasingly wild tall tales to play up to it. Because why not if he's going to be silly about it?

He can be as sulky as he likes on his own.