i Am 50, he is 60. Both divorced with DC. We’ve been together about two years. BF is one of those types who lived large as a young man - very athletic, charming, successful, wealthy, handsome, travelled, drank, was very admired - but time has caught up with him and he is now dogged with back and knee injuries, is balding, with poor health, being phased out of work or actively “retired” by his colleagues, high blood pressure, health worries etc.
we have known each other for a long time (through family friends) and I have always been attracted to him (although never acted on it until years after both of our divorces.) I still see the handsome, athletic, charismatic 40 year old man i used to see. This is just to explain that I am head over heels for him. Although I’m 50 I look younger and still keep fit and active.
in our relationship he has started to become periodically suspicious of me and what I am getting up to. It’s happened 2-3 times now, but when he gets what he calls “alarm bells” then there can be a standoff for days where I am being treated like I have cheated on him when I haven’t.
we will be talking about something I’ve done or people I have seen, just normal chit chatter and then suddenly I’ll feel like I have stepped on a land mine and he goes quiet and after a while of trying to talk to him he tells me that he had alarm bells about my reaction and my recounting of the story about a man I was talking about (never a particular man, there is no one he is fixated on, it can be anyone). He then starts saying things like “it’s ok… you can tell me you did something with him… relationships are built on openness and trust. We can move on and I can forgive you…”
It’s baffling to me because all the while I have never ever even thought about cheating on him. I don’t even think about other men. I very clearly and lovingly demonstrate my affection and loyalty to him every day. and it goes on for days. We sleep nights with him facing away from me , or brushing off my hugs or affection sayjng he cannot have sex because he needs to process what “probably happened” between me and another guy.
when I get upset about it he tells me that he’s not angry, he’s not mad, he’s not accusing me of anything, he just read my reaction in the conversation and watched my body language when talking about another man , and now needs to process it all.
even when I am upset and crying and asking him to just drop the suspicion, he reminds me he is not angry, not mad, just needs time to process things through his old brain. Ie, stonewall me and be cold until my penance is up.
what is going on here?