How is this the man I married? I feel trapped.

[Macaronio]

10 years married and I feel so sad that this is my marriage.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home where there was domestic abuse and alcohol, left home in my late teens. Went to uni and had a couple of bad relationships. Had lots of therapy. Got a good job and met some nice friends (or so I thought) and through these people met my now DH at age 26.

Got married and had our first DC at 28. He was 8 years older.

I look back and I knew that this man was not for me. It took my colleagues months to persuade me to go on a date with him because he wasn't my cup of tea. Everyone convinced me what a great, lovely, wonderful, gentle giant he was. They all adored him. I thought that perhaps this is where I'd gone wrong before with my other relationships, I'd been attracted to bad boys. So I went with it and slowly started to like and eventually love him. He was lovely to me for the first two years although had some quirks.Life was nice. He was kind. He would surprise me with small, affectionate, thoughtful gifts, he enjoyed touching me. We travelled a lot. But I started disliking his friends because I realised they were arrogant and cocky and behaved like they were aloof. Little did I realise that he had this edge too.

We had our first DC and it all went downhill very slowly. He just wanted to continue his freedom with his friends and I was lumbered with a baby and he made me feel like I was needy and unreasonable for expecting him to be around at weekends. Our marriage became sexless and he revealed to me that he had never really been bothered about sex. Hand holding stopped, no more compliments at all, no love. I felt like a household applicance. Things got better after a year so we had our second DC soon after and then he completely stopped saying he loved me at all. He hasn't said it at all for 4 years.

All he talks about is mundane, practical tasks all the time. He's very task focused. There are no jokes, no love, no sex, no affection. I feel like I'm in a desert. He sleeps in the spare room where he can watch his documentaries in peace. Neither of us see those friends anymore who fixed us up in the first place. It turns out that they weren't particularly nice about me behind my back.

I also know now that due to some of his behaviours which were masked in the beginning, DH is quite possibly neurodivergent. I'm not looking for anyone to suggest a diagnosis for him and regardless of any reasons for why he is the way he is, I am so unhappy.

I know everyone will flock to tell me to leave him if I'm as sad as I am, but it doesn't feel that simple to me. All I ever wanted after my shitty upbringing was a family of my own. My children are my absolute world and I have hobbies- I run, gym, go to a craft class weekly but absolutely nothing replaces having my children at home with me where they belong, I also have a good job. I can not stand the thought of sharing the children. I've explored my options too- seen a solicitor, a financial advisor and spoken to my mortgage broker and I can afford to leave him but financially, it's incredibly tight. I have single mum friends who have to use foodbanks if their washing machine breaks or they need new tyres because there is no extra money. They earn not much less than I do. I can't bare the thought of living like that. Currently we're not particularly comfortable but certainly not poor either.

I seem to swing between choosing to stay for my children and choosing to leave to give me the opportunity to meet someone who is actually meant for me. I would never change my children for the world but I can't help but imagine what my life would be like now if I'd have ignored those work colleagues and waited for someone to come along who was right for me. I'm trapped with a man I don't love and who does not love me.

He's more like a father figure than a friend or housemate too, directing me on what needs to be done next with his task lists, giving his opinion on how I should deal with this and that. It's shit. He's not forcefully controlling, he just acts like he's my parent or something which is weird. He doesn't take care of his appearance or his health and I am just stumped sometimes that this is the man I chose and this is my life. Sometimes, I feel so mad with myself that he's the one I married.

But I can't be away from my children 50% of the time or even close to it. I just don't see that outcome making me any happier than this outcome on the whole. It would be like swapping one shit life for another, one where I also have less money too. Of course, I may meet someone else, but there is no guarantee and I wouldn't like to take a risk on it.

I feel like I've failed.
There is no relationship therapy or talking to him either. Been there, tried that, complete waste of time.

I'm 38 years old, there has to be more to marriage than this?

I think I need a hand hold.

I think you need to decide whether you will be better off as a single mum. The likelihood of meeting someone else who is meant for you is low at this age to be brutally honest. Do what feels right but you will likely be on your own unless you have family and friends to help.

Wow I sadly could have written this myself. Had a crappy upbringing and I too was used to “bad boy” type and had not long got out of a fairly unhealthy relationship. I gave him a chance even though I knew deep in my heart the relationship wasn’t right for me but I thought my choice in men was the problem and I was problem so I almost forced myself to date a good guy who was “normal”. He completely masked in the begging, I fell pregnant within the first year just as I was about to call it quits. After I gave birth the mask dropped and I started to notice the lack of genuine connection, superficial practical conversation, no laughing or joking, like living with a house mate or house plant at times. Second baby arrived and the penny dropped one day when I said to him to please listen to me when I’m talking, as he never does! He said that I talk fast - (I don’t) and his brain can’t take all the information in at once and that he’s been like this since he was a child. I had been suspecting that he was neurodivergent for a while but in the moment I just knew! My heart actually sank as I knew there was no hope for the relationship or me ever being fulfilled emotionally by someone who is incapable of true connection and fulfilling my emotional needs. My partner has Asperger’s 100% and so does his father by the look of things. I’m deeply unhappy but I’m staying for now because of my children’s ages (5 & 1) but will be leaving by the time my youngest is in school. It’s no life to live forever and no one deserves the type of damage being emotionally ignored and not seen and truly heard does to you. There is no way I could live this like forever! So you either have two choices 1. Stay and be eternally unhappy 2. Leave and give yourself a chance at happiness. There is no guarantee he will want 50/50 or even end up being that involved at all. But if you don’t want to live like this then make your plans (even if it’s years to come), get your ducks in a row, focus on your kids and hold on to hope that one day your life will be better. Also look up something called Cassandra syndrome it’s what happens to neurotypical women in relationships with neurodiverse men.

I think generally, mums who can't imagine being apart from their children do adapt to sharing custody or accommodating visitation rights. Also, there's no guarantee he'd want 50/50, even if he fought for it, or that your children would end up wanting to see him that much. Especially as they get old and naturally want to spend less time with their parents.

So don't stay with him just for that reason. I have friends who realised their parents only stayed together for them, it didn't fill them joy.

Secondly, you don't say what your career is, but you'll be amazed at what new opportunities come your way when your confidence increases.

Thirdly, you are worth more than this. You deserve more than this. And your children deserve to see happiness, self worth & self respect modelled.

That said, no judgement if you continue to stay, I understand, I just hate to see someone so ground down by the misery and drudgery of a marriage when there is the opportunity for a happier life.

Your unhappiness leaps off the page OP 😞 I can relate to quite a bit of what you say and I know the angst you're currently in.

First thing I would ask is - would he want the DC 50/50? Is he a good dad? I've recently left a similar situation and your post made me scared and second guess myself all over again - especially your upbringing (similar to mine) giving you the desire for a happy family unit and the worry about surviving on such a tight income, but ultimately I do think I made the right decision. It took me years to leave as I didn't want to be apart from my DC when they were babies/preschoolers but I needn't have worried as he doesn't see them very often.

I'm the same age as you, we are still (relatively!) young. You can't go on like this for decades. It would be such a sad waste of your life. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve a happy mum. No doubt you hide it from them but you know, that sort of melancholy permeates through a person. Just over the past few weeks I have felt a lightness start to seep into me that had long been buried in my miserable marriage. I'm finally starting to move away from the all consuming worry and handwringing about the potential end of the relationship and what that would mean, and finally have tentative thoughts about a possible happy future.

I'm sure I'll have plenty of wobbles along the way but right now I'm slowly regaining a sense of control, after years of feeling completely trapped and resigned to letting life just sort of happen to me.

Be brave, I think you have the potential to thrive not simply survive 💐

At age 38? You’ve written the OP off as if she’s 78

Finding a partner you click with later in life is unfortunately the exception not the rule

This is why when people find love later in life we tend to hear about it

Just because so & so down the street got married at 50,

Doesn't mean it's advisable to suggest to women that it's likely the same will happen for them

The older we get the more jaded people can become after having experienced relationship dissatisfaction / life traumas

We tend to become set in our ways as we age, so compromise can be difficult

When people have built finances later in life or have gone through a nasty divorce they can become hesitant to financially entwine themselves to someone new again

Blending families is incredibly difficult & can cause all kinds of relationship issues & break ups down the road

Eligible older men have more opportunities in society to select a younger partner, especially if they are looking to have children

Add to that all the complications that dating apps have introduced to the modern dating world

Then to give the OP false hope on the likelihood of finding a lifelong partner in future does seem rather misguided

This isn't to say the OP should not leave this unhappy marriage

Living through your children is unhealthy & the OP is destined to more misery once the children leave home & start their own lives

All that “meant for you” stuff is shite - many people fit together well. And you have greater chance of meeting one of them if you’re not with a misery-inducing, unsuitable husband.

These assholes persuaded you to date him even though you knew he wasn’t your cup of tea.
What does this whole thing show you?

To listen to your gut. Whatever it’s telling you is what you should do.

I'm all for the Golden Girls option. Shack up with another single mum, platonically. Two incomes, two friends and a lovely big family.

I'm trapped with a man I don't love and who does not love me

Youre not trapped. You are in a better financial situation than lots of people.

Would he even want the dc 50/50? Would they? What sort of relationship would he have with them if you stopped managing it?

The marriage is over. There is going to be a divorce at some point, and the positives are are that you get to choose when that happens.

If you divorce now you will get financial support from him and you’ll have many years to enjoy with your children living with you in a happy home.

If you divorce when the children have left you will be living alone and there will be no financial support. The stress from living in this situation could cause you serious health problems. Many women find themselves unable to leave or able to work anymore due to poor health and they regret not leaving earlier. They are then reliant on men like your husband to care for them.

Can you agree to separate but not divorce - at least for now? So both live in the same house (mostly) but emotionally you are detached? Which is already the case anyway by the sounds of it..It would take some figuring out but it would mean you can meet other people. I guess he would need to agree with this arrangement though otherwise it can't be an option

Don't leave 'to meet somebody else'. Leave to find YOU again. To experience the freedom that comes with not being with the wrong person. To get back on the right track for your life. Which should be a happy one.

It sounds like maybe your childhood set you up to need to be with someone, anyone. And maybe you hadn't learned how to be at peace as a single and whole person first?

You're not going to be on your own entirely. You have kids now. And after an adjustment period and time spent making new friends and picking up new hobbies, you'll be glad to have a couple of days a week where they are with their dad. Even if its tough at first.

Don't leave for someone else. Leave for you. Your relationship doesn't have to be 'not good enough in comparison to what else might be out there'. The fact that it's not good enough for you, full stop, should be enough.

your happiness can not be compromised. even attempting that is beneficial to nobody..Especially the kids.its ok
its YOUR FUTURE ,their future.life is short,unpredictable.LIVE IT

Unfortunately those of us who experienced abuse in childhood often have a lower bar for treatment of others. And crave kindness/attention/ want to please people.

If it was just a case of you get on but don't fancy him/ feel it's reciprocated. Then you could consider staying together and making the best of it as a partnership.

It reads like he wanted the norm - kids/ wife etc so he did what he needed to do to achieve that and now he is his true self.

But this trying to control/parent you is an unhealthy dynamic. If you stay with him you are reinforcing this as normal to your children. You are role modelling an unhealthy relationship to them.

I was in a abusive relationship and it was terrifying to leave, I felt like a failure. But although it meant my kids spent time with their dad. I was their main parenting example/influence. I met a lovely man and showed them what a good relationship looks like. They have both chosen lovely men who treat them well. In the end although their dad has impacted on them , over the years it has become less and less. I know it would have been significantly worse if we had stayed together.

If you don't want to leave for financial reasons and because you don't want shared custody, that's fair enough.

Can you think of your relationship as co-parenting within the same household, so you can disengage from your relationship the way he has?

If you leave, do it because you don't want to live with him, not because you have a romantic dream that you'll find Mr Right, or you could rush in a worse relationship, to prove to yourself that you were right to leave.

38 is SO YOUNG! I am 60 - don’t feel old - but obvs am a bit. But 38 is young. You sound very unhappy. You should leave this man. He is Asperger’s or Autisitic. He won’t change - he won’t want to and possibly can’t. I know so many men like this. They don’t hear or see you in their own worlds. The shutting himself away watching documentaries bit made the hair on my neck stand up. Been there. You need to make a nice life for you and your lovely children. You can. You will. Don’t wait. Be free. Sending you a big hug and a ‘you can do this’.

Life is definitely not shit as a single parent. My ex and I split after 15 years when my DS was 18 months. He is 16 now. I've made a life for myself, travelled, hobbies, advanced career, friends. Thankfully we get on OK so always been flexible. DS is happy. I gave space when he is with ex. However I had to get used to it from when he was a baby unlike you. I wouldn't settle for the relationship you have. Have you tried couples counselling? can help you both decide if separating is the right thing.

Lots of people couple up again in their 30s, 40s and 50s! Bizarre opinions on here. 50% of marriages end in divorce now and many people aren’t married on the first place so there are other splits. You are 38, if you can afford to move out, do it now. It’s also impactful on the kids to see this type of relationship and actually will he want 50:50 - less time for the documentaries! Living together whilst separated is soul destroying as well. I split at 46. I’ve had a new partner for 3 years.

It doesn't sound like you love him (which is OK) and it also doesn't sound like you have gotten to the point you find him completely unbearable (yet).

Maybe look at creative solutions - my friend bought a house where her bedroom was on the top floor, her kids bedrooms and the kitchen were on the middle floor - and her ex hubby lived in the basement floor with a kitchenette.

They both saw their kids each day and there was no need for baby sitters etc. It worked so well she at one point moved her boyfriend in and they lived as happy families this way for years.

Its very important you are happy - both for your sake and the kids. If not they think the relationship you have with their dad is what they would be expecting when adults.

Talk to him in the right moment.

OP my situation was different to yours. My husband and I split up when I was 46. I want to reassure you there is a whole other life ahead of you. I met someone who I wish I'd met year ago. Don't let your age stop you moving on. You'd be happier alone than married. I promise you that. Then it opens up so many possibilities.

This is rather negative! Why wouldn't OP meet someone else more suited to her, who will make her feel loved, at the young age of 38?

Please do not think you're acting in the codebook best interest by staying with him. My mother did that for me, and it was the worst thing she ever did! I was desperate for her to leave him. But she kept us in the horrible situation for years. Children know, they pick up on energies in a house. They hear things they don't understand but know are not good.
Don't put your children through this, it's very very damaging.

Met my dh at 36…,you are not old OP.
how old are the children?

I was where you are five years ago. Albeit with one child.

My ExH is one of my best friends now. He has a lovely girlfriend who is like a big sister to my DD. DD stays with them a couple of nights a week and every other weekend.

I have stayed single because actually it was early days just before COVID when we split so didn't fancy dating and I haven't fancied it since! 🤣 But my life is so much happier now.

Financially I am a TA so virtually living on minimum wage so have to claim a bit to top up my money. ExH still pays half the mortgage as it's DD's home and he's a really decent bloke. Plus he will eventually get half of the house.

Now I know this doesn't happen for everyone and it's rarely plain sailing, I am incredibly lucky. BUT there was a lot of unhappiness in our marriage and what I'm trying to say is that I'm so glad I didn't stay. There was no abuse but just indifference so we could have plodded on. We told our DD together and got her excited about 'daddy's new flat' and let her choose her room. By the time he moved into the flat two months later we'd redecorated her bedroom here and she'd chosen furniture for her new bedroom at his. She was so excited!

As long as there is no-one else involved on either side, there are ways of doing it with minimum impact on your kids and you.

Working with children of primary school age I see the awful fallout of family break ups but there are ways to make it easier. You can do it OP!

Gosh you're only 38. There's plenty of time for you to meet someone else when you're ready and right your wrongs so to speak.

There is more to a marriage than that. I'm a year younger than you and have been very happily married for 11 years.

It's a difficult decision to leave but perhaps something you can work towards in the next year or two.

Thanks all I don't see my age as much of an issue, my grandmother remarried at 55 and had a very happy marriage for 20 years after an abusive one. I think maybe finding time to meet someone is the problem! I've filled my life with so many hobbies and activities that I'm not sure how/where someone new would fit in.

DH has already said he will move out and live with his brother who is quite affluent and will allow him to leave there for free. He has 4 spare bedrooms so the children can have one of those for sleepovers too. There is a creative way out should we choose it. DH is waiting for me to make the choice though but I'm aware that once I make it there's no going back.

He will want 50/50 I should think as he is very practically present in their lives, emotionally he is not there at all but he takes over a lot of the practical tasks for them. His life is governed by tasks which means he does a lot for them. I can't imagine him giving up on all that. Sometimes I feel like he makes me redundant.