How is this the man I married? I feel trapped.

[Macaronio]

10 years married and I feel so sad that this is my marriage.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home where there was domestic abuse and alcohol, left home in my late teens. Went to uni and had a couple of bad relationships. Had lots of therapy. Got a good job and met some nice friends (or so I thought) and through these people met my now DH at age 26.

Got married and had our first DC at 28. He was 8 years older.

I look back and I knew that this man was not for me. It took my colleagues months to persuade me to go on a date with him because he wasn't my cup of tea. Everyone convinced me what a great, lovely, wonderful, gentle giant he was. They all adored him. I thought that perhaps this is where I'd gone wrong before with my other relationships, I'd been attracted to bad boys. So I went with it and slowly started to like and eventually love him. He was lovely to me for the first two years although had some quirks.Life was nice. He was kind. He would surprise me with small, affectionate, thoughtful gifts, he enjoyed touching me. We travelled a lot. But I started disliking his friends because I realised they were arrogant and cocky and behaved like they were aloof. Little did I realise that he had this edge too.

We had our first DC and it all went downhill very slowly. He just wanted to continue his freedom with his friends and I was lumbered with a baby and he made me feel like I was needy and unreasonable for expecting him to be around at weekends. Our marriage became sexless and he revealed to me that he had never really been bothered about sex. Hand holding stopped, no more compliments at all, no love. I felt like a household applicance. Things got better after a year so we had our second DC soon after and then he completely stopped saying he loved me at all. He hasn't said it at all for 4 years.

All he talks about is mundane, practical tasks all the time. He's very task focused. There are no jokes, no love, no sex, no affection. I feel like I'm in a desert. He sleeps in the spare room where he can watch his documentaries in peace. Neither of us see those friends anymore who fixed us up in the first place. It turns out that they weren't particularly nice about me behind my back.

I also know now that due to some of his behaviours which were masked in the beginning, DH is quite possibly neurodivergent. I'm not looking for anyone to suggest a diagnosis for him and regardless of any reasons for why he is the way he is, I am so unhappy.

I know everyone will flock to tell me to leave him if I'm as sad as I am, but it doesn't feel that simple to me. All I ever wanted after my shitty upbringing was a family of my own. My children are my absolute world and I have hobbies- I run, gym, go to a craft class weekly but absolutely nothing replaces having my children at home with me where they belong, I also have a good job. I can not stand the thought of sharing the children. I've explored my options too- seen a solicitor, a financial advisor and spoken to my mortgage broker and I can afford to leave him but financially, it's incredibly tight. I have single mum friends who have to use foodbanks if their washing machine breaks or they need new tyres because there is no extra money. They earn not much less than I do. I can't bare the thought of living like that. Currently we're not particularly comfortable but certainly not poor either.

I seem to swing between choosing to stay for my children and choosing to leave to give me the opportunity to meet someone who is actually meant for me. I would never change my children for the world but I can't help but imagine what my life would be like now if I'd have ignored those work colleagues and waited for someone to come along who was right for me. I'm trapped with a man I don't love and who does not love me.

He's more like a father figure than a friend or housemate too, directing me on what needs to be done next with his task lists, giving his opinion on how I should deal with this and that. It's shit. He's not forcefully controlling, he just acts like he's my parent or something which is weird. He doesn't take care of his appearance or his health and I am just stumped sometimes that this is the man I chose and this is my life. Sometimes, I feel so mad with myself that he's the one I married.

But I can't be away from my children 50% of the time or even close to it. I just don't see that outcome making me any happier than this outcome on the whole. It would be like swapping one shit life for another, one where I also have less money too. Of course, I may meet someone else, but there is no guarantee and I wouldn't like to take a risk on it.

I feel like I've failed.
There is no relationship therapy or talking to him either. Been there, tried that, complete waste of time.

I'm 38 years old, there has to be more to marriage than this?

I think I need a hand hold.

I think you should leave, especially as it seems a practical solution has already been found. Does it mean you can stay in your current home?

I think if you were just bored in your marriage or things had slipped, having previously been good for a longer time, the advice would be different. Relationships do have their ups and downs, and with young children, the relationship between the parents can suffer. But this doesn't seem to be the case here.

Change is scary but we all adjust eventually. You would get used to not having your children all the time and you would find benefits to your child free time too. I think your life would be so much better without having your DH living with you, acting as a father figure to you. All that stress would go. Yes, he would still be in your life, but not 24/7.

I'd forget about finding someone new for now. You'd need to get used to your new life and stay single for at least a couple of years anyway, to get over the marriage you have had and to find out who you are as a single person. At 38 you have years ahead to date, maybe when your children are much older. And maybe you'll find you don't actually want to.

Your own crap childhood here set you up good and proper into becoming more receptive to have dysfunctional, abusive and otherwise crap relationships as an adult. Dysfunctional stuff like this can and does go down the generations; I note your grandmother had an abusive marriage too but it can and should stop with you.

No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and otherwise loving relationship is like and fact is you still do not know. Your children do not know either at present due to the abusive model you're currently showing them. Your boundaries here, already skewed by poor life experiences and this abusive relationship, are being further eroded by this man now. He is not a good father to his children because he has and will continue to treat you as their mother like he is now. This is who he is and such men do not change.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Be brave here and make the break. Do not further stay with him and by doing so teach your children further damaging lessons about relationships. You learnt an awful lot of damaging crap about those when you were growing up and your parents failed you abjectly. Do not repeat the mistakes of the past here by remaining with him particularly as he is emotionally unavailable to them too. He being practical counts for very little if he is not available emotionally.

re your comment:
"DH has already said he will move out and live with his brother who is quite
affluent and will allow him to leave there for free. He has 4 spare bedrooms so the children can have one of those for sleepovers too. There is a creative way out should we choose it. DH is waiting for me to make the choice though but I'm aware that once I make it there's no going back".

I would not rely on him or his brother at all here and besides which he has not moved out yet. I note as well he wants you to make the decision; this is probably because he'll then go around wailing, "oh she left me" to all those daft enough to listen to him.

Apart from contacting Womens Aid I would urge you to seek legal advice from one or two firms of solicitors re all aspects of separation and divorce. He is likely not going to make the whole process of this at all easy or straight forward for you. Do you really think he will want 50-50; how is that going to fit in with his work and outside of that?. Some men as well want this in order to avoid paying child maintenance and such types too can and do use the kids as weapons here against the mother. Remember too that 50-50 is but a starting point, its not fixed.

Divorce is not failure OP, living in such unhappiness is. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

Again, what do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. They certainly cannot afford to learn the damaging lessons that your grandmother, mother and now you learnt as a child about relationships. This can and should stop with you rather than this being further passed onto your children. We owe our kids our truth.

I think you have to decide whether to leave now ,things a bit tight financially but you feel better ,or stay the course gradually eroding you sense of well being ,At 38 you are still a fairly young woman! There are no guarantees of course ,but lots of people marry/couple up well int their 40s and 50s!

If he will move out why not take him up on it? Don’t divorce if you don’t have to. He may well be satisfied and happier living with his brother and assuming the role of useful, task oriented, Uncle to the children. He may want them 50/50 or he may be satisfied with just doing his tasks for them and scheduling you. But once he is out then you start to have freedom and can ignore him.

If you don’t mind my saying so I do think you should divorce. It is not going to get better and you are giving this man all the power to determine your life. It is killing you and it is so unhealthy for the children!

Think of how your children see you and your husbands awful and loveless relationship.

There may not be abuse but living with parents who are cold and unaffectionate towards each other is damaging.

"I can not stand the thought of sharing the children."

They are his kids too.

This is a very bleak prognosis. I met the love of my life at 43 after a few years as a single mum. Eight years on, my DP continues to be brilliant with my DC.

Also, I would second PPs that say you do get used to the 50/50 arrangement. It can take a while, but slowly but surely you begin to value the time you don't have the DC. You can do your hobbies, see friends, date (when you're ready).

He is hands on and obviously cares about his children so I don't see the issue with him having 50/50. He has offered to move out. Honestly, what more do you want? I know you blame your friends for your marriage, but really you are an adult and you need to own your life and decisions.