....And I'm beyond anxious and angry. And yet I'm not sure I'm reasonable in feeling this way.
Dh had an issue with cocaine for, it emerged, 12 months or so. I found out on Boxing Day and since then there has been a lot of discussion. He had lied to me for a long time and I feel very betrayed by it. And I don't want to be married to a drug addict, plus I don't want him to die because of it. I feel betrayed, disappointed and small, and it's really rocked what I had thought was a lovely marriage.
Nevertheless we agreed to work through it, he has started counselling and I thought he understood where I was at. My anxiety is through the roof, and worse when he is out for work (his work involves a lot of going out with clients, and pretty well all of them do coke). I've found it very hard and he has in fairness cut back on the going out whenever he can.
Today he had a big thing at work. It went really well. He told me he had a meeting at half three after the thing and then would be coming home. It so happens I've had a fairly unpleasant medical procedure today which was at 4. I'm alright, but it wasn't ideal to go on my own.
He called me at half five. From the pub where he had been with his team all afternoon since the big thing which was at one. His meeting got cancelled he said.
His friend has just got there, he'll be another hour.
This is the exact thing he would do before when unbeknownst to me he was going a lot of coke. (Then he would phone me every hour or hour and a half, still out-which want an issue really when I thought he was just out having a nice time-I'd no problem with that until it came out he was high as a kite).
He knows how I feel about him being out currently. I've had panic attacks and I'm on the verge of having to take anti depressants as I just can't cope with being this on edge all the time.
To boot today He knows I'm on my own at home in a bit of discomfort.
If his meeting got cancelled he could have come home and supported me.
He could also have told me at half two he was going to the pub as his meeting got cancelled.
My feeling is he didn't because he knew I would be unhappy and he would feel guilty and have to come home.
And yet-he had a big thing at work today. It should (and always would have been) fine for him to go out and celebrate it.
I have never been a possessive or paranoid person and now here I am having an anxiety attack because my dh is in the pub with his work friends.
We have had words and he is now on the way home. He says he has done nothing wrong and it was the biggest thing of his work life etc etc.
I'm so upset and I feel awful that he has missed out, and yet it's been not even three months since he turned our marriage upside down, and I also don't think it's a good idea for him to be in an environment where he would once have automatically taken drugs just yet.
I don't know if I'm being unreasonable at all and I don't know how we ever work past this.