Dh in recovery has gone out....

[definitionofmadness]

....And I'm beyond anxious and angry. And yet I'm not sure I'm reasonable in feeling this way.
Dh had an issue with cocaine for, it emerged, 12 months or so. I found out on Boxing Day and since then there has been a lot of discussion. He had lied to me for a long time and I feel very betrayed by it. And I don't want to be married to a drug addict, plus I don't want him to die because of it. I feel betrayed, disappointed and small, and it's really rocked what I had thought was a lovely marriage.

Nevertheless we agreed to work through it, he has started counselling and I thought he understood where I was at. My anxiety is through the roof, and worse when he is out for work (his work involves a lot of going out with clients, and pretty well all of them do coke). I've found it very hard and he has in fairness cut back on the going out whenever he can.

Today he had a big thing at work. It went really well. He told me he had a meeting at half three after the thing and then would be coming home. It so happens I've had a fairly unpleasant medical procedure today which was at 4. I'm alright, but it wasn't ideal to go on my own.

He called me at half five. From the pub where he had been with his team all afternoon since the big thing which was at one. His meeting got cancelled he said.
His friend has just got there, he'll be another hour.
This is the exact thing he would do before when unbeknownst to me he was going a lot of coke. (Then he would phone me every hour or hour and a half, still out-which want an issue really when I thought he was just out having a nice time-I'd no problem with that until it came out he was high as a kite).
He knows how I feel about him being out currently. I've had panic attacks and I'm on the verge of having to take anti depressants as I just can't cope with being this on edge all the time.
To boot today He knows I'm on my own at home in a bit of discomfort.

If his meeting got cancelled he could have come home and supported me.
He could also have told me at half two he was going to the pub as his meeting got cancelled.
My feeling is he didn't because he knew I would be unhappy and he would feel guilty and have to come home.

And yet-he had a big thing at work today. It should (and always would have been) fine for him to go out and celebrate it.

I have never been a possessive or paranoid person and now here I am having an anxiety attack because my dh is in the pub with his work friends.

We have had words and he is now on the way home. He says he has done nothing wrong and it was the biggest thing of his work life etc etc.

I'm so upset and I feel awful that he has missed out, and yet it's been not even three months since he turned our marriage upside down, and I also don't think it's a good idea for him to be in an environment where he would once have automatically taken drugs just yet.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable at all and I don't know how we ever work past this.

How old is he OP? From your original post I thought early 30s.... now I think a lot older. He tells you he's gone a bit too far over the last 12 months (he's definitely minimising)... can you think back to earlier on in your relationship and things that don't add up? Him being out til all hours? Unable to sleep when home? Money not accounted for etc? I suspect this has been going on for years.

The more senior you are, the easier it is to go to the early part of a celebration, buy a couple of rounds and then leave (and let the juniors party on, get pissed etc without you there). He had the perfect excuse (needing to take care of you) and he didn't take it. He's a selfish twat and most likely he is still using (or fell off the waggon today). Don't let him drag you down with him.

Is he drinking alcohol?

you can buy drug tests off Amazon, his reaction to you asking him to do one will tell you everything you need to know.

That sick anxious feeling is totally understandable in the circumstances.

Please do not let him turn this round to you being unreasonable and ruining his big day. As others have said, if he's senior it's far more common for them to leave any celebrations early - and he even had the perfect excuse - a poorly wife. The reason he stayed is entirely because he wanted to.

Unfortunately you cannot reason with an addict. You have to make plans to look after yourself. That may mean leaving him. And ironically that may be the wake up call he needs. But it will be too late for you.

He's 47.
Home. A bit pissed. Nothing else I think, but then he's better at hiding it than I thought obviously.

Big row. He can't see why I'm upset. If he can't see it we have bigger issues than I thought.

So he came home 9 hours after the big presentation/meeting, knowing that you were left alone to cope with a medical procedure. Instead of being remorseful/sorry/apologetic he comes home drunk and if fight mode.

What an absolute prick.

Maybe a trial separation is in order. Kick his ass out and tell him he can come back when he is clean and maybe learned to respect his wife somewhat.

On the other hand, you can continue on this road of trying to fix something which is not in your control. Only he can fix this. If he is not willing to show you that he is even trying, then you will be better off without him.

Leaving aside the very obvious addiction issues. He left his wife to manage after a difficult hospital appointment because he was focused on drinking with work colleagues.
I would be mad as hell OP.

Agreed. I wouldn't put up with this shitty behaviour. He's 47 not 17 FFS! The class A drugs would just be the icing on the cake. What sort of role model is he to his kids? You need to raise your standards. He's a crap husband & a crao dad. Give him the wake up call that he needs & kick him out.

I buried my partner last year due to drink and coke addictions . It's a horrible addiction and I'm absolutely traumatised by it all.

I saw a rolled up piece of card at work the other day and the feelings all came rushing back. Finding empty coke bags round our flat , in his pockets and him constantly gas lighting me.

I've never felt anxiety like I did when I found out about his addictions. At the lowest point I would follow him round the pub , accuse him knowing he was lying to me then next morning I would find the evidence in his pockets.

I become someone I never wanted to be. I never wanted to not trust him but I couldn't coz I was a paranoid mess.
I genuinely dont envy you coz I was in this position and it changes you as a person. My partner didn't want help towards the end. The addiction was bigger than his willpower. He couldn't go anywhere without it .

This is his problem and he needs to reassure you but eventually it will send you crazy .

You need him choosing you over going out to give you reassurance he doesn't need that stuff . And without that reassurance your relationship is not going to work.

Please take care of yourself .

He’s knocking half a century it ain’t funny or pretty to be blunt. Time to put you first and show your children it’s not acceptable to live with a selfish, prick

He knows why you're upset. he just doesn't care and is hoping you'll just be quiet about it and let things slide.

What is stopping you from ending this marriage?

This. 100pc this.
I always go, buy a round, have one more drink (often non alcoholic) and then leave.
It's even better if I can say, oh I have to rush because my DP is having an op and I want to be there.

The obvious thing for him to do would have been to get in a round and had a soft drink for himself because he had to take you to have your op. Nobody would have judged him for that, and it’s what most people would do for their partners - that would have been normal. I can’t imagine going on the piss while my partner was having any operation or health intervention, no matter how minor. Being with him would be the priority. He chose not to do that but to go on the piss instead. At least you know where you are in the pecking order now - below the pub and coke. I’m sorry, OP, you deserve a better man. This one isn’t good enough.

I’ve got a HUGE work deadline today… massive. Been working for this for months. The team will likely go out afterwards but I won’t, I’ll go home to my kid. I am the lead on the project so very senior. I don’t care if it looks off that I don’t go.

Your H is making excuses to do what he wants. A good H would have come home and taken you to the Dr. He fucked off to the pub. Not sure I’d forgive that, particularly considering his history.

And he is utterly gaslighting you by saying he doesn't understand why you're upset.

He does understand. But to put it plainly, he doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

He will do this again and again because he can. And that anxiety you feel will eat away at you. Constantly second guessing yourself whether you're being unreasonable or not. But it's easier to bury it rather than tackle it and he certainly will want to move on quickly. Until the next time...

I'm sorry, but you are not married to a man who respects you or your marriage.

Also, just to add - people don't recover from drug addiction with couples counselling.

An individual has to want to recover for themselves. Not because their partner 'nags' them to do it.

Did he put the work in and get some proper addiction help through Narcotics Anonymous or similar?

He has mostly said all the right things this morning. But he has said them before. He says he knows he needs to grow up. I believe it less and less every time. I think he does actually believe them when he is saying them, then he gets caught up in whatever is going on and it goes out the window. Which is not attractive snd doesn't bode well for any sort of recovery. He was only a bit tipsy last night to be fair. Not high. But as I said to him, it's the failure to make the right choice, communicate about it, and not own that that remains the issue. And how it feels for me sitting at home knowing he is in choosing to be in what he needs to recognise is a risky environment. Life is going to be a bit more dull for him for a while. And he needs to wear it.

He did start slightly giving it the 'you don't understand my industry' spiel and that made me quite angry. He works in sales basically. Media based. But no different to any other commercial business. Is there a culture of drink and drugs? Yes. Do you have to automatically buy into it? No. He maintains it looks bad if he's not there and I just don't buy it. Yes if it's some sort of client event or something-he does then have to be there, hard as I might find it. He was away for a night on Monday for one such and although I wasn't super comfortable with it we just had to crack on with it. No if it's taking your team to lunch and getting mash up in the pub because you have delivered a good pitch.

But then I'm just a social worker so what do I know about it? We don't work like that anymore.

I've gone to work feeling shit and I'll be there til 7 tonight as I'm on call. I don't feel up to it at all today. After that who knows.

It's not as easy as just leaving. I do love him, we have a lovely marriage apart from this, a house, kids, a life. But I've said in no uncertain terms that we cannot carry on like this. What that looks like I don't know.

Thankyou everyone for your input. I'd started to convince myself I was being unreasonable. Easy to do as I just don't want this to be my life and it's easier to brush it under the rug. But that's not going to work so it was good to get some other opinions to sure up my thinking a bit.

The thing is with addicts, they have to become pathological liars. They lie so easily, to themselves and others, that it’s almost harder to quit being a liar than it is to quit the thing they’ve been lying about.

Unless someone admits that they have a serious problem with lying, and seeks help for that, they’ll just keep lying about even small things that you maybe wouldn’t have minded. Lying becomes like their accent, a layer over their day to day language.

No it’s not.
Life in a sound marriage means you support each other. His team would respect him if he did his presentation, was there for the presentation then said he had to leave for a family commitment.
A man committed to repairing his relationship would want to do this. It would now be his new normal way of life.
He’s obviously not committed to this . Do you still want to live like this next year? In 5 years time? It’s time to decide how you want your life to be.

I'm a social worker and DH is in sales and we are about your age as well. Yes there is a heavy social culture in his work but honestly more for the younger and more junior people.

If your DH is leaving you unsupported after an operation that is on him not the expectations of work.

It was just more fun for him to hang out in the pub than being at home doing his job as a father and partner.

No one at his work is going to blink an eye if he had said "I'd love to go out but wife has spent the day in hospital so I need to duck out of this one and check she is ok"
So as I said before I would be mad if my DH tried to pull this nonsense.

It wasn't an operation to be fair- just a sort of test-to follow up on a more serious small op I had as an investigation a few months ago. It was uncomfortable but not awful. It would have been nice to have the support but I was really fine-just in a bit of discomfort- so it's a bit misleading and maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it. I just felt a bit vulnerable maybe due a bit to that but mostly the rest I suppose.

I just feel really knackered today and sad about the whole thing. What a pointless waste of a lovely marriage.

Someone who has had an issue with cocaine simply doesn't go out socially where booze is available when they are in the early stages of recovery.

For many people they don't do that at all, even many years on, as it is such a trigger and so easy to escalate into old behaviours.

Him going out for drinks, especially when he had the perfect genuine excuse 'my wife had a hospital appointment today so if better not join you, I want to check she's ok' he could have used, shows he is paying lip service to the idea he had a problem and either doesn't accept he had a problem or doesn't want to get better.

You say that he wasn’t high when he got home, but the effects of cocaine can wear off in half an hour to an hour so can’t be sure that he wasn’t unless he does a test to prove it to you. If he wants you to trust him then he needs to show you that he’s trustworty.

I totally understand why you would not want to confront the situation and you have to process everything in your own time.

But it would be good if you could take some time now to maybe get your own counselling. It is very easy, when you have children to get caught up in the notion of the 'family unit' and forget that everyone is an individual - including you.

There is an absolutely brilliant book that I recommend you read called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

You alone cannot 'will' your husband into behaving better. So it is fruitless trying.

Lots of us have been where you are and honestly taking the leap to the other side is so fucking liberating - to not having that dread when they don't come home when they say they're going to or worry what state they're going to be in. Or to not want to make a fuss in case the kids hear you rowing.

You may not feel it's that bad but it's like the analogy of a boiling frog. You don't realise until you're out of it just how much stress and energy was spent trying to manage another person's behaviour.

Best of luck. I have a feeling so are going to need it.

OP seriously raise your game, something shouldn't need to be awful before your DH chooses spending time with you rather than drinking with work colleagues.
You can't do his work for him, whether it's the work he needs to do on his addictions or his marriage.