Husband wants to move closer to his family

[ConfusedDippy]

First time posting so hopefully it is ok!

My husband of 2 years told me at Xmas that he hates everything about where we live (in the Midlands) - the people, accent and the fact there is nothing to do and he wants to move back to his home town 2 hours away up North. He hasn't lived in his home town since he was a teenager which was 16 years ago. He has his family there, 1 school friend and 1 uni friend and his work is based in London. He has been wfh but his work have said they expect people in the office 3 days a week now, which has added another layer to things, as his company has an office in his home town, however he would still need to regularly travel to London.

We have also been TTC for 18 months now with no luck and have found out that I have a low egg count. I am 35 and my husband is 34.

He has been here for a total of 10 years and was already living in the city for 3 years prior to us meeting. He has now decided that he hates it and that his family being a 2 hour drive up North is too far. And the fact that there is nothing exciting to do where we live. He has friends where we live but he doesn't see them as being close. His other close friends are scattered all over the country but the majority of them are in the South (so closer to where we live now)

Very early on in our relationship I did make it clear that I wouldn't want to move from this city, so if that is what he wanted we shouldn't become serious. I have a job in research that I cant do remotely and I have spent the last 13 years building a reputation in. It would be very hard finding a similar, permanent position somewhere else as funding is very low. I also have all my school friends, family and family friends here. We also live in a house that I own. I would find it really hard to leave all of this to go somewhere where my husband only knows a handful of people and the level and amount of support isn't the same.

Husband packed his bags on Valentines Day (I came home from work to find that he had spent the day packing) and left. He wants to come back to our home to try and work things out. He said he would join clubs etc to try and make more friends here but I don't know what to do. Have totally parked the idea of having a baby now and postponed our fertility appointment. I just don't know what to do - anyone have any advice?! Thank you :)

Often those who are dissatisfied with life think that moving will make everything better. It doesn't. The result is a dissatisfied person in a new place. The fact that he hasn't visited his grandmother is proof that his problem isn't lack of family; it is something lacking in him. He needs counseling to find the real issue.

Tell him no moving back unless he completes a full course of counseling in his current location. He has acted horribly toward you. If he wants to "earn" you back, he needs to make big changes.

@CoddlingMolly

did you not read this bit
' He has been here for a total of 10 years and was already living in the city for 3 years prior to us meeting. He has now decided that he hates it and that his family being a 2 hour drive up North is too far '

10 years ! He has only been married to the Op for 2 years...

Sorry Op, i agree with @DreadPirateRobots - this is The Script & he's rewriting history to fit his own narrative. I'm sorry but your marriage is over.

Hello - just coming back on here to get things off my mind as it helped somewhat last month. But we are now separated :(

He is happier in his home town and I can't argue with that. Nor can I keep someone I do love dearly somewhere where they are not happy. It was decision made when he told me has bought a house up there. If that isn't a sign I don't know what is. He still wants to try and make things work....

So you’re doing ivf, he works in London, and wants to move closer to his family despite it making it tougher for you who’d then end up doing the bulk of the childcare? I’d tell him to do one

I’m sorry to hear that you have separated. But it sounds like it’s the best thing for you. So he has bought a house up there’s secretly and only just told you now?!

Has he said what he's going to do to make things work? To date he packed up and moved out on Valentine's Day without telling you, and now he has bought a house, two hours away, without telling you. What has he suggested that he's going to do to work on the marriage?

I'm sorry but I would be preparing myself for the appearance of a "new" girlfriend that's pregnant. This has the script written all over it.

Actually bought and moved into a house ?
or not.

as he moved out on 14th Feb, today is 2nd May - that was quick to view properties / make an offer / have the offer accepted / all the conveyancing ( searches and surveys ) and actually move in - 2.5 months.

I have no idea how he thinks he can try and make things work - that sounds like words coming out his mouth.

so is he saying he expects you to move there.

despite you having told him in the first place that you never would.

I hope @Dontbeme is wrong with the suggestion: ' a "new" girlfriend that's pregnant. '

if he does have a pregnant girlfriend that would be despicable ! I so hope he doesn't.

I think the stark contrast between your family relationships is bothering him. Reality is if they can’t be arsed now they won’t be arsed later. He may have gone home to prove to himself that his family are just as connected as yours but wants to come back now because he’s realised they aren’t and it’s a fantasy. He’s probably embarrassed about it. If you want it to work I would make counselling the condition because this will just crop up again.

Oh sorry OP ignore me, wishing you the best.

Oh I'm sorry, have you been happier without the mental load or does he keep popping up to tell you what a mistake you're making..

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I really hope I'm wrong too, but the house purchase seems very quick and I would guess he was planning this move for quite a while.

@ConfusedDippy

I'm so sorry for the despicable, cowardly way he's treated you both when he moved out when you were at work and now buying a house without any consultation with you. He is showing you how much love and respect he has for you and, in your situation, I'm afraid I'd consider the relationship over.

Share this situation with your friends and family but I think you should, as soon as you can, get your ducks in a row to ensure you are financially OK from this point onwards. Take a couple of days to work out how your finances currently stand, financially.

I can't recall what today's about your financial situation but please consider transferring half of all cash in the bank, savings, etc into a bank account only you know the passwords to.

How did he manage to buy a house? Will that affect your position? These are questions you'll need answers to. Do also consider taking in some legal advice and check your own credit rating online. 🌹

This !!

I think you need to be ruthless here. He's demonstrated that he's not committed to you or your future together.

I would get rid of him quickly and stop letting him waste your time. Don't let him faff around for the next couple of years taking up space in your life which could be filled by someone who you actually might have a future/children with.

another here who thinks there’s another woman. It will all come out and passed off as they’ve only just met. Sorry op, but our better off out of it even if it doesn’t feel
like it now

If he's bought a house up there, that's a clear indication he is only willing to make it work as long as you make the move. I wouldn't in your shoes.
Overall there is a vibe of both of you guarding your separateness despite you being married. I noted the 'owning your house' comment although legally it becomes half his when married. Then he buys 'his house'. Clearly you kept your finances separate throughout the marriage which might reflect a lack of togetherness from the start.
Sounds like he was being horrible to you through no fault of your own, and that was out of order. Suspicious behaviour, the kind of blame that is dished out when someone else is on the scene tbh. He probably wants you back because it didn't work out. Could he have been busy seeing someone, it would explain why he didn't visit the friends & family while up there when they were the excuses he put forward for going. It's too handy.

Hi there - so he went to view it last week and had the offer accepted on the same day. He told me in person 2 days later. He said he didn't tell me straight away as he wanted to let me know in person. He said that would be his home and if we had kids they could spend alternate weekends there. I knew then this wasn't going to work :( I can't bring children into the world like that :(
Don't understand how he thinks that is remotely fair on me or on children

Hello - I bought my house when we were dating as a first time buyer but decided as we saw a future together he would move in so we could live together properly. This was 5 years ago as well (if only I knew what was to come :( ) He had a small amount of debt at the time but no savings to contribute to the purchase so it was always on paper 'my' house but in reality our home together. As soon as we got married we joined finances in the sense all household running and together spending such as outings and holidays was joint instead of separate. We have our own separate accounts for our own personal spending which I'm glad of now as I have my own financial safety net still

But 'his' house that he's in the process of buying now becomes a marital asset in the event of divorce! Strange time for him to buy

in view of the above info, I wonder where he got his deposit from ?

or is he expecting a pay off from her house ?!

I'd get a solicitor. See if you can get him to agree to an amicable divorce where you each keep your own assets. Otherwise he's walking away with half "your" house.

I think the relationship has been over for some time. He's presenting you with a choice that he knows you will choose to stay where you are. Then he hasn't left you, you have made him go. It's a mind game. He signed up to living with you in your home town. Make himself look better.

I don't know if there really is another woman. He could just go back to single life.

I'm sorry OP. Dont let him take your house.

He's not quite normal.

I’m so sorry for you. He mentally moved on ages ago. Buying a house is a huge step for him. How on earth did he think you’d agree to this? Particularly sorry as you had hoped to have a baby with him.