Husband wants to move closer to his family

[ConfusedDippy]

First time posting so hopefully it is ok!

My husband of 2 years told me at Xmas that he hates everything about where we live (in the Midlands) - the people, accent and the fact there is nothing to do and he wants to move back to his home town 2 hours away up North. He hasn't lived in his home town since he was a teenager which was 16 years ago. He has his family there, 1 school friend and 1 uni friend and his work is based in London. He has been wfh but his work have said they expect people in the office 3 days a week now, which has added another layer to things, as his company has an office in his home town, however he would still need to regularly travel to London.

We have also been TTC for 18 months now with no luck and have found out that I have a low egg count. I am 35 and my husband is 34.

He has been here for a total of 10 years and was already living in the city for 3 years prior to us meeting. He has now decided that he hates it and that his family being a 2 hour drive up North is too far. And the fact that there is nothing exciting to do where we live. He has friends where we live but he doesn't see them as being close. His other close friends are scattered all over the country but the majority of them are in the South (so closer to where we live now)

Very early on in our relationship I did make it clear that I wouldn't want to move from this city, so if that is what he wanted we shouldn't become serious. I have a job in research that I cant do remotely and I have spent the last 13 years building a reputation in. It would be very hard finding a similar, permanent position somewhere else as funding is very low. I also have all my school friends, family and family friends here. We also live in a house that I own. I would find it really hard to leave all of this to go somewhere where my husband only knows a handful of people and the level and amount of support isn't the same.

Husband packed his bags on Valentines Day (I came home from work to find that he had spent the day packing) and left. He wants to come back to our home to try and work things out. He said he would join clubs etc to try and make more friends here but I don't know what to do. Have totally parked the idea of having a baby now and postponed our fertility appointment. I just don't know what to do - anyone have any advice?! Thank you :)

Just as an aside The Midlands is made up of 11 counties, 7 cities and numerous towns and villages. There are urban areas and rural areas.

Whilst I don’t recommend you moving from your home and support network whilst your marriage is so fragile. If you both decide you want to work on it, could you find a compromise in terms of location? (Although, I actually think his location unhappiness is just masking other fears or concerns).

We moved to an area we called home and It wasn't what it was 10 years previously. The friends were at a different stage of their lives, BiL's children had married so were preparing to be Grand parents.
They all had liked us as visitors and friends but they were not going to change and make us central to their lives.
We moved again to somewhere new.

You want to live where you live as you are close to your family and friends. And you need to live there for work.

You were completely honest about this from the start.

I wonder if he changed his mind or if he figured at some point he could convince you.

The way he's treated you is awful, especially packing and leaving on valentines. I'd struggle to forgive that.

You shouldn't move, you will resent having your hand forced and the impact on your career.

He needs to decide if he can be ok with that and he needs to apologise for his shitty behaviour.

But you also need to think do you want him back? Can you trust him to stay ?

You have your fertility in the factor too which makes it harder. Is he someone you still want to have kids with. ?

He's really messed this up, he knew all along you planned to stay where you were. He waits until you are having fertility problems to decide he wants to move and is so frustrated you don't want to he has left you. He's lowered your chances of having a child by his actions. Even if it's not deliberate I'd be pretty angry if I were you

Op, you sound like a lovely and sensible person. Of course you should stay where you are with your job and family support. Your husband will be no happier up North and will make zero effort to see the people he claims he wants to be closer to. To leave you on Valentine's Day shows that your husband is petty and spiteful. You are still young and can meet someone else who isn't scornful or resentful.

I think if you had got pregnant he would've gone anyway. God knows what's going on in his mind but I think I would be expecting the entire relationship to end now I'm afraid.

Between Christmas and now, he may or may be not living in his mum’s place in his hometown all the time. It is not possible for you to track where he was and is.

Sorry, I mean between Valentine’s Day and now.

This!

Sounds like you're better off without him Op. I also think something else is going on with him, whether its another woman, freaking out about a baby, early mid-life crisis or whatever. That's all on him & his treatment of you is unacceptable. Moving won't solve any of this!!

I think there is someone else from back home. He left on valentines day to be with that person. He is panicked about having a baby. He wants his freedom.

I'm sorry, op, but your marriage is over. The sooner you accept this and end it, the better. There is no coming back from this.

I'm sorry but I agree there's an OW. Sounds like TS not worked out and he wants to slink back home.

Your husband of just 2 years is already reneging on your agreement that you wanted to stay in the area you live and keep a job you love and have worked hard for, running away like a baby back to mummy, with I agree with PP the expectation you would follow him like a meek and feeble woman, and now you haven't he is willing to come back and play nice for a month or two before probably trying the same stunt again. Nah. Life is too short. Get out whilst you still keep your assets etc and move on with your life.

You have done nothing wrong

and if you had been pregnant or had a baby it WOULD NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE

he has the problem

Apart from anything else ,leaving you on Valentines Day was cruel .You are young and have your whole life ahead of you . Well educated with a good job .I would let him go ,if you take him back it will be a couple of years and he will want to return to his roots again!

Do not go backwards and do not “forgive” someone do reckless snd callous that they would act out (leaving on valentines day) in such a hostile manner. That is not the act of a (merely) unhappy but good person. It was a vile, angry, demeaning, and deliberately cruel symbolic abandonment. He has broken faith with you. End the relationship and free yourself to find a good person.

So he wants you to sell your house, leave your career, leave your family and friends and move north with him for what? What does he expect you to do where they are less opportunities for work? All while he travels to London and Portugal for his work? How can he think this makes sense? Does he want you to sit home alone while he builds up his career, just waiting on him to pop home? Add to that his cowardly (and frankly maliciously) packing up his stuff and moving out without speaking to you. This man is not safe, he is not emotionally dependable to have a child with. I think your next move should be legal advice to protect the home you brought into this marriage, you need to minimise the financial risk to yourself of ending this marriage. It is particularly cruel that he is doing this right as you are trying to conceive, his games are running down your time to have a family if you so wish.

Hi there - he actually said its been triggered by my atrocious behaviour towards him since we got married :( I speak down to him and nothing he does is right. The only examples he could give of this were that I hoovered after he had already done so, rewashed dishes that he had washed and rearranged laundry on the airer. I explained that hoovering is my 'down time' and often allows me to think, of course I'm going to rewash pots if they are still dirty and I had no idea I would rearrange the laundry. I did get very defensive at this and have to admit I didn't stay calm at all. But now I can't stop wracking my brains on other things I may have done. I know the above examples are laughable but the words 'atrocious behaviour' have been said and I need to know what I've done to cause this

Yanbu to want to stay where you are.

He is nbu to change his mind about where he wants to live but he’s very unreasonable about how he has gone about it.

I agree with you that the town and him as a person will have changed since he last lived there so it’s highly likely that he has rose tinted glasses. I also agree that the fact that he hasn’t seen his gran is very sad and he’s unlikely to be happy after the move because he’s not going out and seeing the people that he says he misses.

I think it’s fortunate that he had this freak out before you had the baby and things got more complicated and he tried to pull emotional blackmail about baby not knowing his side of the family. I think that you’re absolutely right not to invite him back because of the likelihood that he will have a strop every few months. Well done for staying alert and looking out for red flags.

Sorry if I'm being daft here, but he moved home mid feb and lived with his mum, and a month later he wants to come home? Sounds like he's figured out that the grass isn't greener and has realised that moving back to his home town wasn't what it'll he thought it would be.

Not sure I'd want to waste time with a man who was happy to leave his wife high and dry, potentially ruining any chance of a baby without a thought, then when it doesn't work out, wants it all back. We all sometimes want things our partners don't, but we don't just up and fuck off we stay and compromise, work through to a happy resolution. He sounds extremely selfish

“he actually said its been triggered by my atrocious behaviour towards him since we got married :( I speak down to him and nothing he does is right”
Only you know if this has any truth to it. It could be true, so reflect on that. But it’s also a common thing men say in the midst of a mid-life crisis or affair. They often re-write history in their own minds and totally believe it. But it sounds like deep resentment has set in for him and it’s almost impossible to come back from that feeling.

I think the moving to his home town is a complete red herring. He is unhappy in the marriage, there has been stress at not being able to conceive, he feels upset that he doesn’t have the big support network of family/friends that you do. He might be having a mid-life crisis or affair, or is thinking about wanting an affair. And he wants to run back to where his life was last easy, free, with no responsibilities. Please don’t think that if you had gotten pregnant that none of this would have happened - I think if you had fallen pregnant he would have still have had this big crisis and run away exactly the same. Running home indicates to me that he isn’t prepared to act like a grown up and he wants to run away and be a child without responsibility.

Whatever his reasons, he needs to work on that by himself. He needs to work out what it is that will make him happy. You can’t do that for him. I also think he needs individual therapy to work through whatever he is feeling.

In the mean time you need to work out if you still love this man and could forgive his recent behaviour, if he does decide he wants to come back. Do not sell your house, do not quit your job, do not move your whole life, away from your job and support network…….. for an unhappy man who does not know what will make him happy. I highly suspect that if you moved with him, he will still be deeply unhappy and the same will happen again. And you will be up shit creek.

Feeling so down today about what I may have done to have caused this and if I had been able to get pregnant this wouldn't have happened

I went through all these kinds of thoughts when my dh left, if I'd been slimmer, younger, given him more sex, committed more money to his hobby etc he wouldn't have left. But a friend said to me 'you could have farted unicorn rainbow dust, and he'd still have left, not because of you, but because he's an absolute selfish cunt' I think she summed it up brilliantly.

I know the above examples are laughable but the words 'atrocious behaviour' have been said and I need to know what I've done to cause this.

And this is exactly why he said it, if you are spending your time examining your actions and trying to see where you are "wrong" you are not looking to closely at what he has been up to. You will have no energy left to think on how he has treated you (ie: packing up and leaving without telling you)

Please do not allow yourself to blame yourself, you will be enabling his pathetic bad behaviour.

To walk out on his wife who thought as a couple they were trying for a baby is his behaviour and he needs to take ownership of his behaviour.

Not you.

and all he can do is find petty petty excuses for that and find silly silly childish things that you may or may not have done / do.

it is his behaviour that is atrocious !!!

I so hope you do have support from your family and friends and i hope you are close enough to at least one of them that you share this pathetic behaviour from him to you with them as they will be able to see the wood for the trees !

This solidifies it for me: there's someone else. I'm sorry. This is The Script, bigtime. He has decided to leave, so he has to construct a reason why you are awful and therefore he has no choice.

Your marriage is over, I'm afraid. He doesn't want to be in it any more.

To me we're only getting one side of the story here. You talk down to him, be says? That's quite a specific complaint.

I'm clearly in a massive minority but will share my perspective anyway so you have a range of views.

I'm team DH here. Having been on the other end of this where my ex was surrounded by everything he ever knew, all his family and friends, it can really feel like it's not balanced and not fair.

You say you were clear about not wanting to move from the get go, but people change, whats more concerning isn't that he has changed, its that you haven't at all.

You say it would be hard to get another research job elsewhere, you don't say it would be impossible. Ultimately you don't want to make it work, but you're painting it like he has massively pulled the rug out from under you. But from the flip side perspective, the blinder is that you have zero give on anything it seems, whether that's your job or your location.

you've had decades with your ideal set up, he's tried it, you could offer to throw the dice and see what happens if you try the north for a year, but you don't want to. That's fair enough, although it's a restrictive way to live your life.

Having been in this situation before I can tell you there is no compromise or halfway solution here. In life there are people who are willing to experiment or give something a go, then there are people who are unyielding and risk averse, these people won't come along for the ride or if they do they'll grind the shine out of you in the process.

He has done Portugal, London, the Midlands, now he wants to try going home and he should do that and let you stay as you are.