If your partner is lovely but thick as mince, how’s it going?

[Shan5474]

The list of attributes I look for in a partner includes things like being warm, kind, caring etc. Intelligence has never actually really featured very high on the list. I’d choose someone lovely but dim over someone OK but clever every time. Obviously the whole package is preferable but no one’s truly perfect.

If you love someone who’s great but silly, naive or downright daft, how’s it going? Do you get frustrated or is it easy to overlook because they’re such a great person?

I’ve always had high intelligent partners but when I was in a relationship with one that was not used to engage his brain a lot, it created all sort of problems

• conversations were not interesting
• couldn’t discuss worlds events, history, geography never mind philosophy, psychology, culture
• when we met with other people as a couple it was embarassing because of what came out of his mouth
• very closed minded
• financial nightmare, he couldn’t undertand how money worked
• huge chip on his shoulder
• his emotional intelligence was also very low

There is this a strange middle ground - where both parties are smart, but in different ways.

I am very logical and analytical - I see patterns easily, and I am quick to pick-up new concepts.

My husband is optimistic and a little naive, but he is EXTREMELY knowledgeable, has an unusually good memory, and has the ability to pick up languages like nothing I've ever seen before.

I sometimes get a little frustrated that my brain works faster than his - but, equally, I am nowhere near as knowledgeable - and we definitely have good chat!

An ex boyfriend, going back decades was physically BEAUTIFUL, but... not smart. There was no good chat.

This thread is pretty sad to read. With a few rare exceptions, most people have interests and things they are passionate about. It’s not a sign of low intelligence if they are not educated to degree level or have a broad knowledge of current affairs.

Maybe, maybe not. But it's fine if women choose to date/marry only the highly educated or those they consider to have broad knowledge. Just as its fine to date/ marry only people you fancy, and nobody can tell you what you should fancy.

I wouldn't even get to the dating stage, if there were grammatical errors in their texting. Even getting your/you're wrong, or there/their/they're wrong, would have me running for the hills. Or saying "of" instead of "have". No thank you.

I know someone who married one (second marriage in 50s). Thick as shit. She knew that but did it anyway. Now she has no one to talk to so spends her time sofa-surfing at other peoples’ houses to get away.

I’m the same. A man doesn’t have to be hugely educated but needs to have common sense and the ability to communicate well.

Any men with poor grammar, who are monosyllabic or who think ‘lol’ is a good response to a message get deleted pretty quickly.

Ive met men who left school at 16 but who were interested in the world around them and keen to learn . That works for me. Good communication is vital for a relationship to thrive imo.

Yes very, very boring I’d imagine. I like to be challenged. As a poster said earlier it must be like supervising a child. No thanks

This thread is pretty sad to read. With a few rare exceptions, most people have interests and things they are passionate about. It’s not a sign of low intelligence if they are not educated to degree level or have a broad knowledge of current affairs.

I don’t care about the degrees, in my post upthread the intelligent man I spoke of didn’t have a degree but the one lacking intelligence and common sense had a masters degree.

However, if you’re not able to discuss current affairs and social issues with me, especially in what is an increasingly unequal world, you’re not the one for me. I will bore you and you will frustrate me.

But yeah to some extent, I’d say intelligence is more important to me than his ability to earn money. And to be fair, I think if anything- valuing what’s in someone’s head above what they earn is less superficial.

I'd struggle with someone who had to have jokes and references explained to them all the time. I'd go for intelligence every time. My husband and I have just been on holiday with another couple, one of whom is highly intelligent. The other wondered aloud why the people sitting behind us on the first flight of our long haul journey weren't on the same plane as us for the second leg. The hub airport was an international one..... It'd drive me to murder.

Well, I completely agree with you. I think having common interests are extremely important. I only mentioned my DH/DF’s success to show that they are both intelligent people, just not in the conventional sense.

I got with my STBXH very young and whilst he was gorgeous and I was in love, we really had nothing in common particularly in terms of intellect and interest in the world. Having DC gave us our only common interest.

I was devastated when he left almost two years ago to be with the OW. It's only after therapy that I now realise how controlling he was and how he used his lack of intelligence to be aggressive, loud and intimidating.

He is still an attractive man to look at - I had to do parents evening with him last week and was taken aback, momentarily, by how he looked. Then after 2 minutes in his company, all the ugliness in his voice, behaviours etc came flooding back. I wouldn't go back there in a million years.

My boyfriend now is so on my wavelength it's scary, mostly importantly for me though is intellectually. We talk and debate EVERYTHING and hours seem like minutes.. I had no idea how much I was missing out on before - no more having to suppress my vocabulary - and it's just wonderful. He's also the kindest man I've ever met...and the incredible sex is just the icing on the cake!

I think ideally partners would be equally yoked. My DH and I have similar IQs but our strengths and weaknesses differ, so we really compliement each other. I think I would want to feel I could rely on him and he on me.

I just couldn't do it...
I have to be able to respect my other half and that's not going to happen if they happen to be an idiot.

But only a couple of people mentioned degrees, most didn’t. And several posters said that being highly educated didn’t equal high intelligence.

Mine is a walking Dunning-Kruger effect. He's certain his handful of CSEs trump my Oxbridge degree every time. Never ever learns.

I did mention degrees. I agree that highly educated doesn't always mean high intelligence, or sometimes means intelligence only in one area. I still sought highly educated though, as education is very important to me.

Contrary to social media and TV reality shows, stupidity and ignorance are not great qualities in a partner.

Not my dh but my friend's. He honestly thought he could just quit his job and be a world famous rock musician.

difficult
I know people with phd who are 'thick as mince' in daily life.
on the other hand I know 'uneducated' people who are incredibly clever and resourceful.

similar sense of humor is more important imo. I want to laugh with my partner.

To be totally honest a big part of my dating choices up to meeting DH (when I was still quite young) was what other people thought about them, so I’d never have wanted to date someone obviously thick for that reason. On reflection, my standards were probably higher on behalf of other people than for myself. Got lucky with DH though who is an engineer and intelligent in all the ways I’m not and vice versa - hopefully covers all bases for the kids!

Why is it sad? Most people on the thread have differentiated between being book smart/well educated and intelligent or at least interesting/inquisitive, exactly as you have.

Besides which surely its very normal for people to tend to have long term relationships with those vaguely similar to themselves, whether that's in terms of politics and general outlook, social class, attractiveness, etc. Obviously not all the time - there's always an element of opposites attraction, but generally people tend to have relationships (including friendships, not just romantic) with those they have something in common with. Dating people who are largely on your wavelength in terms of intellect is just another aspect of that.

It's just being stuck with that for years... I don't think I could do it. You'd be finding things funny and having to explain. Not being able to understand why something is interesting when you travel. I actually think for me it would be the humour - I don't really get chit-chat jokes and find a lot of pleasant but dull people have conversations that read like an 80's comedian making jokes about nerds reading etc, which would be quite off-putting. I don't want to be with anyone who thinks being clever is a bad thing.

I've dated 3 before ending up with DH who is both kind and intelligent.

Problem was that I'd end up bored with the less intelligent exes - my strongest attractions have always been with funny/witty, intelligent and well-read men. Looks less important. I've not had the misfortune of being with someone unkind, kindness is a non-negotiable for me.

Making jokes and then having to explain them step by step gets wearisome after a while, as does listening to someone who only ever discusses their daily life and celeb gossip... plus, my lord, the anxiety of being financially linked to someone who makes stupid decisions 🙀

I just don't see a happy longterm future for couples where there's a large disparity in intelligence

Exactly this. I wouldn't dream of having a friendship with someone stupid, so why would I contemplate having an intimate relationship with one?

A partner should be nice anyway. It's not really a personality trait. Anyone can be nice if they want to. I couldn't deal with someone really thick.