If your partner is lovely but thick as mince, how’s it going?

[Shan5474]

The list of attributes I look for in a partner includes things like being warm, kind, caring etc. Intelligence has never actually really featured very high on the list. I’d choose someone lovely but dim over someone OK but clever every time. Obviously the whole package is preferable but no one’s truly perfect.

If you love someone who’s great but silly, naive or downright daft, how’s it going? Do you get frustrated or is it easy to overlook because they’re such a great person?

I have a colleague who is very attractive but soooo limited conversationally. I'm no heavy intellectual and could happily chat trivia all day but this guy can't even do that. Instead he obsesses loudly about what he's going to have for his lunch. The hardest part is that he considers himself to be clever. He can't pronounce 'chipotle'.

Ha, not romantic relationships but friendships. I'll happily be friends with people who are genuinely good people but a bit dim. I will also be friends with people who are a bit of an arsehole but funny/witty/clever. My closest friends are the best of both.

It's when you end up being a friend or in a relationship with someone thick and also an arse that you run into problems.

I couldn't date someone like that, but then I concede that intelligence comes in different forms. For my part, I'm quite highly educated (I know I sound like a wanker!) but I've dated a broad spectrum of people who aren't necessarily book smart, but excel in their chosen fields. So I guess for me, a passion for something that they're good at equates to intelligence.

Suppose it depends how stupid they are.
Nobody knows everything but some people shouldn’t be allowed out on their own.
Think it’s Ricky Gervais that says being stupid is like being dead, you don’t realise it’s just affects everyone round you.

I think it’s definitely true that someone can be not “book smart” or conventionally intelligent but clever in terms of life skills or their job or hobbies. Your DH sounds really interesting and like he can do a hell of a lot even though he’s probably never really sat any exams

It’s an interesting one OP. I’ve always gone for intelligence but I am very intelligent. I wonder if the women who go for ‘thick as mince’ men are also ‘thick as mince’? I mean, when I watch reality TV I look at all the contestants and I think ‘where did they find such stupid people?’ So maybe they stick together?

I think intelligent men often marry beautiful but not intelligent women, but I don’t see much of the opposite. Is that because of society? Biology? Anthropology? I don’t know.

However, one super clever female friend dated a handsome but ‘thick as mince’ guy for a few years. She found him handsome and kept telling herself that and his devotion to her was enough. But she grew to despise him, he then cheated and she ran. He still keeps in touch (she blocks him when he pops up) and every time he does, she sends me the photo and note and says it makes her wonder what the hell was going on in her head that she managed more than 1 date with the guy.

Intelligence is highly heritable. If you're thinking of having children.

FWIW I can't date men who don't spark my intellect. DH has an IQ of eleventy billion but he's also hot and nice. I held out.

I also would not marry someone not highly educated and/or can't make conversation. People are allowed to make their own choices, and we are all different.

Resentment
If you like being in charge of all 'adult' jobs to do with home and family then great.
You will always have to oversee his efforts.
Great if you like to take charge.
Can get frustrating and resentment will take over your life.

My last partner wasn't stupid, but just not that interesting or with anything much to say.

It started to bother me more and more and I felt quite stifled and dissatisfied as time went on (admittedly I like a lot of mental stimulation).

I agree

I need book smart and highly educated, as well as street smart. Hot isn;t that important. We all end up being not hot in a few years, anyway.

There's a difference between being intelligent and being educated. I think that broadly, a successful relationship (and that includes friendships in many cases) are based on similar levels of intellectual capacity.

While this is often true for education as well, it's not always the case. My father, for example, is highly intelligent but not particularly well educated (formally). But because he IS intelligent, he reads a lot, engages in all kind of discussions, watches TV, documentaries etc, is widely travelled and basically thinks. As a result, he has a wide range of friends from different backgrounds, different educations etc, because they can nonetheless discuss all kind of things that mutually interest them.

I have a good friend who has a a post graduate degree, academically very successful etc. Her DH has A*levels only (and only just, at that). But like my father, he's an intelligent man, has been very successful and they have a successful marriage.

Oh, and incompetence and/or being naive are a third thing and frankly, I can't BEAR that.

Intelligence is not the same as education. I can't abide unintelligent people who aren't inquisitive.

DH is severely dyslexic and struggles with life in many ways as a result. He flunked school, but has now done 6 GCSE equivalents in his 40s so he can be employable (as in educationally qualified) when he leaves the military after a 26yr career.

He loves Shakespeare plays, knows more about history than I ever will, and can strip then rebuild an engine without books, but can't handle getting a car insurance comparison quote as its overwhelming.

He often says he's stupid (thanks for that, school teachers of the 80s and 90s) but he's far from it - reading isn't everything in life and I say that as someone who reads, assimilates and analyses data for a living then reads a Kindle 1-2hrs per day!

Emotional intelligence is very attractive and your dh / dp sounds like they have this

Not read full thread. Surely intelligence is a large part of their personality? Intelligence was a big part of attraction, for me.

I once dated a guy who was incredibly handsome. An objectively utterly gorgeous, posh public schoolboy type. Mince wasn't thick enough to describe his intellect. Holy lord, it was painful. I tried to keep dating him, but it was impossible. The lights were permanently out, a cuckoo flying around his brain.
I actually looked him up on social media a few months ago out of curiosity after my partner and I got talking about ex flings. He works in banking now, apparently. It figures.

I only ever went out with one bloke who was not intelligent. It didn't last long.
I'm no brainiac but I can't be with someone who's not on my level - either way. I wouldn't want to be the dumbo in the relationship either.

@NCForQuestions you and your DH sound like me and mine! Even down to the reading and absorbing written information for work.

Except DH did get a degree. He commented recently that he does wonder sometimes if he really did that career/degree because he loved it or because, as we now strongly suspect he has ADHD, was it actually because it was the only one he could do (strong practical element, less academic.... and he still struggled).

Not 'book smart'? Not an issue. Zero common sense? Wouldn't want to deal with that.

I've only ever dated men with a similar level of intelligence to me. I wouldn't date smarter because that would make me the less intelligent one in the relationship. And I wouldn't date someone less intelligent because I find ignorance very off-putting.

My exdh was a bit thick. He'd believe anything he read on the internet as fact. It got to the point that I couldn't talk to him about anything political because the facts he'd chuck around were bullshit. I'd call him out on it and it would result in a row.. A bit like all immigrants come to the uk to use the NHS and claim benefits. Without realising, or at least having the sense to check that the facts were true.

It got to the stage that he became a bit of a social hand grenade due to the crap he'd talk, it was embarrassing tbh. I stopped inviting him to work do's for this reason and introducing him to new friends.

And don't get me started on him always trying to use 'big' words to make himself sound intelligent, but using them in the wrong context, hearing him on a work phone call was excruciating.

He turned out to be not a nice man, but I can't imagine ever finding this attractive even in the kindest, most lovely man.

But he is clearly intelligent. The age of school leaving has no bearing on intelligence IMHO.

This thread is pretty sad to read. With a few rare exceptions, most people have interests and things they are passionate about. It’s not a sign of low intelligence if they are not educated to degree level or have a broad knowledge of current affairs.

My DH and my best friend from when we were young are both people that did appallingly at school. My friend had to retake a couple of GCSEs, my DH did slightly better but only scraped passes. My DH has been told he is not very intelligent his whole life by his parents and laughed at by his friends for mispronouncing words leaving him with such low self esteem. My friend played up to her “stupid” persona for a long time because that’s how people saw her. Everyone who judges them are so, so wrong. They are both some of the smartest people I’ve ever met. School simply did not interest them. My friend is frankly a top blagger with insane people skills and now earns double what my top university friends do. As for my DH, he still mispronounces words but laughs at himself and at the grand age of 32 is the owner two successful companies and 3 properties. He is smart, kind, funny and generous. Everyone loves him and part of his success is his ability to get on with people from all walks of life and judges people on more than their level of education.