Page 3 | What is consent in marriage

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:37

Xenoi24 · 21/03/2024 10:32

We have 2 kids under 4 the youngest boy is 19 months at the minute I'm just been patient and hope things change by the time the youngest is 2.

You've been patient and you have two kids under 4 .. .wise up.

Babies and young kids do that to a relationship. You chose to have them too. There are peaks and troughs in a long-term relationship, esp with children.

Your timescale is ridiculous. Stop being so unrealistic, selfish and sex obsessed.
Only a dickhead thinks about leaving his wife and mother of his children cause he's not been getting enough sex by the time they're 4 and 2!!

Edited

Were not married engaged, so you would marry someone when you feel unhappy in a relationship?

I don't feel loved, wanted, needed, appreciated by my partner and I don't trust her to make me happy or put the effort into our relationship. If I felt these things then maybe I wouldn't want as much sex.

I've spent more time been unhappy in this relationship than been happy.

HungryBeagle · 21/03/2024 10:38

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:37

Were not married engaged, so you would marry someone when you feel unhappy in a relationship?

I don't feel loved, wanted, needed, appreciated by my partner and I don't trust her to make me happy or put the effort into our relationship. If I felt these things then maybe I wouldn't want as much sex.

I've spent more time been unhappy in this relationship than been happy.

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Leave then. Or start your own thread for advice.

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:40

HungryBeagle · 21/03/2024 10:33

I’d probably suggest relationship counselling.
Cleaning, washing up and putting the kids to bed are just normal things that you should be doing in order to contribute to the running of your household. Entirely seperate to the issue of sex.
Are you saying that when you had regular sex you didn’t bother doing those things, because you didn’t need to?

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No I'm saying it feels like I'm putting a lot more effort into our relationship than my partner .

CherryBlossom321 · 21/03/2024 10:43

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:30

Imaging every day you are the perfect partner to your OH, then when you wanted to be intimate with them they say I just don't want to anymore. What would you do?

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I would suggest it’s possible that you are only the “perfect partner” from your own perspective if she isn’t desiring you. Do you have a strong emotional connection? Do you spend time being intimate in non sexual ways together? It’s usually a case of figuring out why she’s turned off.

CherryBlossom321 · 21/03/2024 10:48

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:37

Were not married engaged, so you would marry someone when you feel unhappy in a relationship?

I don't feel loved, wanted, needed, appreciated by my partner and I don't trust her to make me happy or put the effort into our relationship. If I felt these things then maybe I wouldn't want as much sex.

I've spent more time been unhappy in this relationship than been happy.

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If you’re this unhappy, you should end the relationship. To be clear, sex is not a tool with which you satisfy a need to feel something. It’s the outcome of mutual desire within a loving, safe and healthy connection.

CherryBlossom321 · 21/03/2024 10:50

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:20

No I haven't, when were together I spend all my time agreeing with her, doing things she wants to do and watch just in the hope that we might have sex that night. Hours of watching tv series and films just hoping they will finish so we can go to bed. It's no way to live. She just says she doesn't feel like it anymore. All I want from her is a bit of effort and it's stupid to think we would lose everything because she won't. If things changed it would take me a while to be convinced that this is the new norm to even get ready. I don't trust her to put the effort in to make me happy it feel like she doesn't care.

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Sex is not transactional. She doesn’t owe you the use of her body because you watched something with her. Or because you participated in the maintenance of your shared household or care of your children.

CherryBlossom321 · 21/03/2024 10:52

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:28

90% of my choices when we are together are related too keeping her happy so we might have sex. This is the insecure man I've turned into due to lack of intimacy and my need to be intimate with my partner.

Can you imagine every choice you made was made so you could keep your partner happy even though they won't give you what you want.

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This is a terrible, unhealthy approach to a relationship. You should not get married. You should let her move on. Own your insecurities and stop trying to make her responsible for them.

Obeast · 21/03/2024 10:53

@Wmale this OP is being sexually assaulted, stop derailing the thread, it's incredibly rude and cruel of you.

OP your threads and posts about the molester over the years are so depressing, get you and your child away from the man.

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:54

Obeast · 21/03/2024 10:53

@Wmale this OP is being sexually assaulted, stop derailing the thread, it's incredibly rude and cruel of you.

OP your threads and posts about the molester over the years are so depressing, get you and your child away from the man.

Sorry OP ill stop posting

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/03/2024 11:00

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:20

No I haven't, when were together I spend all my time agreeing with her, doing things she wants to do and watch just in the hope that we might have sex that night. Hours of watching tv series and films just hoping they will finish so we can go to bed. It's no way to live. She just says she doesn't feel like it anymore. All I want from her is a bit of effort and it's stupid to think we would lose everything because she won't. If things changed it would take me a while to be convinced that this is the new norm to even get ready. I don't trust her to put the effort in to make me happy it feel like she doesn't care.

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She's probably completely aware that's what you're focused on. Although a long term relationship should involve loving, caring for and supporting each other its not her job to make you happy. All this feels a little tone deaf, this really isn't the thread for this discussion. You need fo start your own thread and ask for advise on there.

Glow22 · 21/03/2024 12:32

Wmale · 21/03/2024 10:30

Imaging every day you are the perfect partner to your OH, then when you wanted to be intimate with them they say I just don't want to anymore. What would you do?

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Your youngest is only 19 months.

How often are you initiating even though you know she doesn't want it?
And how soon after the birth did that start?
I would say you're not the perfect partner if you keep initiating sex when you know she doesn't want it. That's a stressful situation and she is likely to be picking up on the fact that you're always hoping for sex after watching tv etc.

She can't magic up a libido if she doesn't have one right now...so she'd only be having sex she doesn't want and is resistant to which would do more harm than good.

kkloo · 21/03/2024 12:33

Elsewhere123 · 21/03/2024 06:06

You may like to think then talk to your DH about what touch you like and when. And ask what touch he likes and when. Work out between you so that one person's affectionate cuddle isn't the other's grope. Communication in a non aggressive way is a really useful skill in a relationship.

My DH is constantly grabbing my chest and if I dare say anything he will sulk for days and bang on how it's my fault as I am not affectionate enough

Did you miss this part?

VillageOnSmile · 21/03/2024 12:40

@Wmale id advise you to start your own thread. It seems that the lack of sex (or not enough) is creating problems for you.
But whatever problems you have in your own relationship isn’t relevant to the OP.

So maybe stay on the subject?

VillageOnSmile · 21/03/2024 12:55

@Chatnel36 i just want to reiterate that what your dh does is sexual assault.

At a push you could argue that the first time, it was within boundaries. But any time after that, when you have told him to stop, but he carries on groping you and then sulks if you stop him?
This is sexual assault and he is controlling in the top of it.

I suspect that there are other issues in the marriage too.

How are you doing just now? And what would you like to do next?

Elsewhere123 · 21/03/2024 14:11

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Pinkbonbon · 21/03/2024 14:12

Tbh you have bigger issues if he sulks when being told no. That's sexual coercion. Which is illegal by the way.

He's coercing you into tolerating sexual assault 'for a quiet life'. I don't know if he's a psychopath or a sociopath or garden variety narcissist but he's not a normal or good human being. He's dangerous and things will only get worse.

Get out of there.

MsRosley · 21/03/2024 14:14

He has forced you to sleep in a bra. Think about this, OP. He has forced you to sleep in a bra. Fuck his moods, you need to put an end to this behaviour now.

Marblessolveeverything · 21/03/2024 14:16

Consent in marriage is the same as consent anywhere else.

The above every time.

Obeast · 21/03/2024 14:45

@Elsewhere123 appalling to advise the victim to get counselling with her abuser. He's been assaulting her for years. Please think about what you're typing to victims of sexual assault.