My relationship is a mess

[Showbel]

Honestly don't really know where to start with this.
I've been with my partner 8 years. Engaged for 5.
Currently live in rented house with a dog and a baby on the way. We have almost bought our own house and are moving literally in the next couple of months.

I love my partner. I absolutely want the best for him and us. I really want us to work out.

We have highs- and when we do they are amazing. He is so loving, caring, always boosting my confidence, has a great sense of humour etc. But we also have terrible lows where we just can't agree on anything, blazing arguments, feeling like we're not on the same page all the time.

It feels like we are opposites in so many ways. I'm health conscious, slim (well, I was before I was pregnant!). He eats unhealthily and is obese which has caused me anxiety and has brought a whole lot of issues of its own.

I find him lazy and lacking drive/motivation. There's no 'get up and go'. I've told him this. He doesn't organise his day or his time so he forgets to do things like walk the dog which is super important as she's a high energy breed, or schedule regular meals (snacks instead).

I tell him a chore needs doing, he has a go at me and says I'm trying to control him and he will do it in his own time, which leads to the dog being walked at 10pm in the dark, or the dog poo not bring cleaned up until tomorrow, or the dirty dishes and pans being left in the sink meaning I can't cook unless I wash them first.

His eating habits are out of control but he won't talk to me about it because he says I'm too harsh with him, even though I've told him they are directly affecting me too. He admits he probably has an eating disorder.
I had bulimia as a young teen so his eating habits are massively triggering for me, and I'm so tired of having to mentally just shut it out. He rarely eats in front of me though.

There's so, so much more but honestly you can probably understand my issues now.

I'm scared. I don't see this relationship working but I feel trapped. I'm in a job which I love, so moving absolutely isn't an option. I won't be able to afford the rent on my own with a baby and a dog. I'm about to enter a long mortgage agreement for our first home which is a huge commitment (although I've paid for all solicitors etc so far. Money is a whole other essay of its own). He will 100% take the baby off me and run if I tried to leave him, because he knows fathers have equal rights in law. I'm about to go on maternity so could move in with a relative about an hours drive away if needed but it would be a huge ask and I wouldn't know what to do on my return with the rental issues.

Thanks for reading... but what the heck should I do????

I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to about this irl because my family will obviously be biased and I just feel its so long and complicated to discuss it with friends (a two hour coffee date wouldn't cut it!)

The longer you leave it the harder it will get.

I'm not sure how you are going to co-parent. You seem really conflicted on many things and adding a baby into this mix is not going to go well.

Honest I'd split before the baby has arrived then work out how to co-parent after

How old are you both op?
I found my husband a bit like this but not as extreme before we had kids and then he shaped up and is now great with the kids and me, does more than his fair share around the place. I didn't really realise it until we had kids and made no secret of telling him what needed to be changed.

It would be a good idea to go to marriage counselling now, before the baby comes to see if it's worth saving.

I hope you're OK!

This will not resolve itself and add a young baby into the mix your resentment is going to skyrocket. Don't one of those people that post here in two years time with a toddler and a baby on the way and an unsupportive twit of a man child. Leave now while it is easy.

You basically have a lazy partner, whose lifestyle is diametrically opposed to yours. The cracks are showing, you add a new baby into all this? Do you honestly see him doing a major about turn and it would be a major turn around when the baby comes and you need very real continuing help and support? He honestly sounds more friend material than partner material after reading your comments, to me.

He honestly sounds more friend material than partner material after reading your comments, to me.

+1
His sense of feeling "controlled" by normal requests for sharing household chores is a red flag. A baby is only going to make this worse, imo.

So sorry you’re going through this, I think a break is needed, sounds like he might get worse when the baby is here. Tell him he needs to fix up or this is over

You might love him, but you don't actually like him. What you are really in love with is the person you want him to be. It's not fair to try and change someone or even to expect them to change for you. unless you can learn to tolerate what you see as his flaws, then the relationship is ultimately doomed. If you're not prepared to try couples counselling to try and learn to understand and tolerate each other in areas that your personalities don't align, then you might as well split up now.

I'm not sure why either of you thinks that father's having equal rights in law means that he can take your baby away and run?

Honestly, it will get so much harder when the baby arrives. He'll regress even further, and you will start to REALLY resent him. Get out now before the baby arrives

It will never be easier to leave than now. You will regret not going now. Cancel the house purchase and move in with family or rent somewhere cheaper. Re-home the dog if you need to.

This. Leave now

I'm not sure how you still fancy or respect him. He doesn't respect you or the rental he lives in with you. How he treats where he lives will continue with your own place. Mat leave will likely be a reason you get to do all chores and he won't magically start chipping in when you go back to work. If he can't effectively look after the needs of your dog, he's going to be crap with a baby.
What are his parents like? Are they overweight snackers or has he found his own path?

Are you in the UK? If you're on a lower income, you might get UC help with rent especially with a child. You can find a way to remove yourself from this, and will be so much easier before the baby arrives. He is a nightmare and that kind of behaviour with a newborn will break you. Id walk out asap, leave the dog with him, youll have enough on your plate with the baby. Its not long and complicated, he is not partner material let alone a father. Figure out the leaving logistics and do it.

Looking from another angle. These highs and lows, are they linked to diagnosed/undiagnosed MH issues? or was it just your way of describing the relationship? You also touched on money, suggesting he doesn't manage his finances well. Is this linked to your/his issues? Just food for thought.

Also, I'd ditch the house purchase, leave the dog and go. Rent somewhere alone for you and the baby. Seek Gov help/housing/UC, whatever you need. Go it alone, you can always get back together if you see him change, or forever thank you lucky stars you didn't mortgage to the hilt and get stuck with this manchild

What’s the problem with your family being biased though, really? They’ll want the best for you and if they offer biased advice and support it’s probably what you need to hear given that you feel trapped and need ways out.
Has he previously said something about father’s rights?

This x 3

'He will take the baby off me and run' he can't do this. You don't need to put him on the birth certificate then you'll be the only one with parental responsibility. Staying with family with newborn wa great I loved it they looked after me so much better than my lazy mean ex would have

Agree with people saying that you don't love him, you love the man you want him to be. Let him go.

Also agree with others, if you are in the UK, it is easier to leave now. If you're not married, don't put him on the birth certificate. Sort out custody etc after the baby is here (You will probably find that that when he realises how much work is involved you won't see him for dust). Find out if you would be entitled to Universal Credit as a renting single parent (I am one too so I think you will).

This will get only get harder and worse once the baby arrives.

How far along are you? Are there still options to not have the baby? In the scenario you described I would not want to go through with it. Sorry not sorry to be graphic. Otherwise, as others say, you need to put things in place now to split up so you are settled when the baby arrives.

What do you mean he will take the baby and run? If he does that you'll be able to get the baby back through court. He doesn't have 'equal rights' to care for a new baby. You're right in that this relationship is a mess. Can you afford to buy him out of the house?

Thank you for responses
@opentooffers his family are bigger.

@SuperGreens I haven't looked into UC, I am on 27k a year so don't think I'd qualify, I'll have a look though, thanks.

@Mmhmmn yep all the time. He said he is parent as well and will have equal rights. He doesn't think child should automatically stay with mum in most circumstances. Not sure how that works I've not looked into it myself.

@Showbel there is no way a father would get custody of a newborn unless the mother was an unfit parent. I would leave now and not put him on the birth certificate. Then he can’t just take the baby anyway. Are you planning to breastfeed? At best he’d get a couple hours visitation.

He really sounds like he has ADD/ADHD. The lack of motivation, eating problems, disorganisation and poor finances - all issues with self regulation. When he says you are controlling him, it sounds like a defensive, shame-filled response. Sounds very difficult for you, would he be open to help?

AD(H)D is one thing. Being a calculating little f**k planting seeds about child custody because he knows he's a useless lump is a whole other thing.

Going back to your original question...

Thanks for reading... but what the heck should I do????

You should free yourself of him before baby comes. Don't tie yourself to this mortgage or this lump of a man. Things will only get worse and harder, and you'll only feel more conflicted.